Why Parenting Techniques You Used With Your Child Don’t Work On Your Grandchildren

The kids misbehave, so you take away their tablets at bedtime, dessert after dinner, and time with friends. But instead of resolving the problem, they just become that much more defiant. The old techniques you used with your kids don't work with your grandkids. What do you do? Join us for this challenging topic. Stay tuned for why parenting techniques you used with your child don't work on your grandchildren. Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma, and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care. We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you. Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experience, experiences are valued, and your journey is honored. Many grandparents find themselves at a difficult crossroads when traditional methods of discipline, such as taking away privileges, seem to make the situation worse, leading to increased anger and defiance rather than cooperation. This is what I experienced when I was suddenly faced with caring for two grandchildren. The friction revealed a deeper issue. These children, probably due to their traumatic experiences and lack of consistent boundaries, reacted differently to discipline. It took time, experience, and research to discover more effective ways for us to cope with. My husband and I both grew up in traditional households with traditional parenting. These techniques weren't necessarily bad, they were just traditional. You know, you got time out for misbehavior. Privileges like playing with friends, were taken away. There were rules, restrictions, guidelines, and boundaries. And if these rules, restrictions, guidelines, and boundaries were crossed, consequences were enforced, no questions asked. These techniques worked pretty well with us. Although we did not raise children together, we both turned out to be responsible citizens. We both worked hard. All of our lives were capable of making wise choices and using coping skills when we feel overwhelmed. Although we were never parents together, we both had healthy ideas of how to raise children. But when I got my grandchildren, I soon realized that I didn't understand anything about raising children with traumatic backgrounds or behavioral issues. Our granddaughter, who has ADHD straight up and up, lies. When I ask her why she lies, she just stares at me like a deer caught in a headlight at first, I would continue to question her over and over until I got an answer, which I never did. I couldn't figure out why she would lie to me about such simple things as not changing her underwear or wiping herself on the toilet or finishing her dinner. The way I was raised, no response meant defiance. Therefore, you were questioned until you told the truth. So that's what I did. She'd open her mouth, but nothing would come out. I wish I could tell you that I'd give up, but I didn't. I kept giving her a chance to give up her lies until finally I'd get so frustrated after raising my voice that I'd send her to her room or take away her tablet. In my mind, she didn't care. Sometimes I actually thought she took pride in her bad behavior. My natural response was that she needed a strong consequence and time to think about it. I parroted this way. For the first oh year and a half, this seemed like logical parenting behavior. I was raised this way, and although I myself had made minor changes to the way I was raised, I thought it was a perfectly sound way to raise children. And that was what was good enough for me, was good enough for these kids. But my mother never left me sitting in soiled diapers for days on end. My mother never physically abused me. We always had food. We were never starving. And although my dad had left when we were young, my mom was always there for me. Both of my grandchildren's parents were involved with drugs their dad had left over a year before we got them, and their mom was arrested and incarcerated for physical and emotional abuse of the children. Children I learned who experienced trauma, especially early on in their life, are missing these key elements. The result is deep, deep wounds, basic unmet needs, and survival living techniques. When I started to realize this, I began to learn that I needed to change the way I communicated with the children, and I'm still learning to change the way I react to their behavior. Tommy was three when we got in and is recovering more quickly from his past. Athena was six when we got her. Her behavior patterns have been slower to change. Her mother was also doing serious drugs in the developmental stages of her pregnancy, and that may too have affected some of the cognitive brain disorders that we see in her development. I've discovered that traditional parenting, the way I was parented, just doesn't work with children who have experienced trauma. And this, I have found, is why. Number one, trauma changes the brain. If your child was drug and alcohol exposed in utero, subject to abuse, malnourishment, neglect their brain has been altered by this trauma. Their perspective and their behavior are changed. They are thinking, behaving, reacting, and surviving out of loss. You cannot look at your child and ask, what were you thinking? Chances are they don't know. If you continue to demand an answer or lecture, you cause your child to shut down. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. Number two, their behavior is their voice. For a while, I thought the choices, reactions, and attitudes of the kids were because they liked being bad, which I knew really didn't make sense because they were just little kids. Their behaviors are acting out of unmet needs. One time I watched out the window as I saw Athena, who had a hold of her little brother, shaking him uncontrollably while he screamed on the grand. I ran out immediately, yelling, what the blank do you think you're doing, Athena? I ordered her inside and after questioning her, I finally got an answer. My mom did that to me, and I wanted to see what it felt like. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. As insane as it sounded, it made sense. Number three, they've learned to survive. Because of the trauma your children have experienced, their behavior will often shift from logical and regulated to erratic and survival based. Think of it like if you're hungry, what do you do? You get something to eat. If you find yourself in a situation that becomes dangerous or life threatening, what do you do? You work intently to try to get to safety. But what if when you're hungry, you can't satisfy that need? You may become agitated, or you may start feverishly trying to find food. If you're in danger and you can't get away, you may become combative. What if you found yourself chronically hunger or in danger? You would move into a state of survival, and your behavior would reflect this survival. So then, how should we respond if a traditional approach doesn't work? Number one, I'm learning calm and firm. Remember this. Calm and firm win the day. If you haven't learned therapeutic parenting strategies or behavior management strategies, that's okay. We'll be speaking to different parenting specialists in future episodes. Start with regulating yourself. If you can remain calm and firm in your response to your child, you may see them re regulate and calm down quickly. Number two, connect before you correct. I know we want to rush to correction and discipline. It's a natural response. We all do. After all, that's how our parents parented us. Plus, when your child calls names or lashes out or insults someone, namely our other children, our instinct is to shut down the behavior and emphasize, emphasize the boundaries. But you must remember, a child who is behaving out of their trauma or survival mode is disconnected from the logical part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex, the front of the brain. Thus, he or she is in their reptilian brain, the brain stem, the back of the brain. We must help them move back into the prefrontal cortex. The only way to do this is to work, to connect to them and to help them re regulate before we correct our discipline. Your response when behaviors have escalated is key. If you are calm, they will find a place of calm more quickly. If your emotions are heightened, theirs will be also. This is step by step, and you won't always hit the mark. In those instances, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. Initially, it's natural to revert to familiar strategies from our own parenting years when we begin caregiving our grandchildren. However, for children who have faced instability, these methods might not just be ineffective, they can actually unintentionally harm, pushing the child further into a cycle of anger and retaliation. In further episodes, I'll be sharing many conversations with grandparents about their challenges and their successes. When it comes to child rearing, we'll be highlighting moments where traditional discipline led to increased tension rather than resolution. It's an intricate dance of discipline and care in the lives of grandparents raising grandchildren. It's a journey back to the drawing board for many of us, as the child rearing techniques we once relied upon might not work with the unique needs of today's children, especially those who have experienced trauma and have had few boundaries. A significant portion of our discussions will focus on empathy and understanding. Recognizing the signs of trauma, the underlying feelings of insecurity, and the need for stability can transform our approach to discipline. It's not just about correcting behavior, but nurturing a child's sense of safety and belonging well. Introduce and dissect new methods tailored to meeting the needs of traumatized children. Some of them can be assigning chores not as a punishment, but as a part of being a family team, helping children feel valued and part of something bigger. Encouraging children to find alternative ways to express their feelings or react to situations for fostering emotional intelligence and resilience. Emphasizing positive reinforcement, understanding, and open communication to build trust and mutual respect. Setting family goals central to today's discussion is the concept of nonviolent communication and discipline through love. I know it can be difficult when an occasional swat on the butt or timeout worked with our kids. I myself was raised in a very abusive family setting. Although I can be extremely patient, I have to constantly work not to raise my voice when expressing feelings of anger and frustration. A nonviolent approach to child rearing doesn't just stop at avoiding physical punishment, it's about ensuring that our words, actions and intentions convey respect, understanding, and patience. I regularly have to apologize to my grandchildren along with a promise of doing better. We reward all of the members of our grand family for healthy behavior, and we are all subject to consequences for unhealthy behavior. Adapting to new childrearing techniques is challenging, especially for grandparents who have stepped into the parenting role under complex circumstances. My husband and I are constantly making two steps forward and taking one step back. We support each other through in this challenge and give each other lots of grace. It's a journey of love, learning and adaptation. By embracing these new methods, we're not just disciplining more effectively. We're all healing, teaching, and loving in ways that change us for the better, nurturing a future where our grandchildren can thrive despite all of our past traumas. Exploring these alternative methods and understanding the profound impact of empathy and discipline, we eagerly anticipate the insights from experts like Nicholeen Peck in episode nine, who's proven teaching self government based on principles of calmness and self government, promises practical solutions for even the most out of control teenagers and addresses many of the unique challenges we face as grandparents raising grandchildren equally. The expertise of Doctor Vincent J. Monasta in another upcoming episode on ADHD will provide invaluable guidance, helping us navigate the complexities of attention disorders with informed care and support, as we look forward to enriching discussions with expert educators like Nicholeen Peck and Doctor Vincent Jay Monasta, I encourage you to share your challenges with adapting to new parenting techniques and managing behavior disorders. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend. If you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, scroll down in the app and please leave a review. Next week on our show, the episode every grandparent raising grandchildren needs to hear. I'll be interviewing transitional life coaches John and Sylvie Weaver, who have made a living guiding individuals through crises. The models required for success, believe it or not, are the same for grandparents raising grandchildren as the techniques they use in helping those with the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of health. They all have similar denominations of fear, isolation, grief and suffering. Thank you for tuning into grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone, and together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you, and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.