What I Wish I'd Known About ADHD

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Have you ever noticed your grandchildren being extra sensitive to rejection, struggling with perfectionism, or having memory issues? Perhaps you too recall being an inquisitive child, constantly curious, questioning authority, and sometimes daydreaming in class? Does this sound familiar? If so, ADHD might be a part of your family story.

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It wasn't something we talked about when I was growing up, which made it even more challenging when both of my grandchildren received this diagnosis. In our next episode, we're delving into the world of ADHD, a condition affecting 2.5% of our population worldwide. Join me and our insightful guest as we unpack the signs, the misunderstandings and genetic nuances of adhd. We'll explore strategies and support for grandparents navigating this journey with their grandchildren.

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Don't miss this eye opening conversation.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of childrearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued and your journey is honored.

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I am thrilled to introduce our next episode featuring the remarkable Nella Dwyer. She's a globally celebrated singer, songwriter and one of the foremost experts in adhd. Nella's journey is a testament to the power of resilience and transformation.

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With a career that straddles the world of music and ADHD expertise, Nella has captivated audiences from the stages of video Games Live in China to the immersive World of Warcraft, and she continues to break new ground collaborating with Emmy and Grammy winning composers on her debut album.

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Her unique insights don't just stop at creativity.

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Nella is fully trained by the ADD Coach Academy, the top institution for ADHD coaching. She empowers high profile clients including executives, entrepreneurs and creatives to embrace their neurodivergence and unlock their full potential.

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Through her transformational programs, the ADHD Clarity Code and ADHD Life Mastery, Nella helps her clients achieve clarity, balance and unparalleled success. As a consultant, she guides organizations in harnessing the strengths of neurodivergent talent to foster innovation and growth. In this episode, Nella shares her personal story and expertise on adhd, diving into common misconceptions, the science to watch out for, and what we can do to support our grandchildren diagnosed with a disorder. Her experience, both as a mother and a coach, offers invaluable insights that can transform the way we understand and approach adhd. Join us as Nella Dwyer, based between Ireland and Los Angeles, brings her extraordinary blend of creativity and knowledge to our show. Whether you're simply curious about ADHD or have a family member or child who's been diagnosed with this disorder, you won't want to miss this powerful episode. Welcome. Noah, I just learned at the beginning of our conversation that you, too have adhd. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And a daughter with adhd. Yeah, yeah. And that comes along with lots of challenges. How did you learn to navigate those? And when did you come to understand that you had adhd?

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Yeah. So I suppose I might, I have a kind of a typical story for, you know, a late diagnosis mom finding out when their daughter was suspected or child was suspected of having adhd.

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So, yeah, my daughter was suspected of having ADHD when she was around 14. And I remember thinking, when they said it to me, no, she's really intelligent. You know, she's like, so smart.

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She's not like a little boy bouncing off the walls, you know, I don't know what you're talking about. So I went, I did my research, and I realized that my understanding of ADHD was totally wrong. And actually this was, you know, all of the symptoms and everything was kind of, it was like a, a smack in the face, really going, oh, my gosh, this is my daughter, this is me, this is my dad, this is my brother. Like, how this is literally explaining my entire life's experience, you know, all these symptoms. I couldn't believe it. So it's really misunderstood. A lot of the time, you know, we have that sort of archaic understanding that it is the little, you know, bold boys bouncing off naughty boys, you know, bouncing off the walls. And that's just not the case whatsoever. It's just an entirely different blueprint of how a brain works.

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So, So I actually didn't know that My daughter had ADHD, obviously, until she was 14. And I didn't find out until, you know, I was in my late 20s. So, you know, I, I, I didn't. What were the signs that they thought she had adhd? Why did they think she had adhd? It was yeah, there was lots of signs. But like typically in, in girls, girls go inwards, girls go introspective. So boys are usually kind of physically hyperactive. Girls, they're, well, boys and girls, they hate. So let me, let me go back a second.

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So I'm trying to. In true ADHD, so I'm trying to say 10 things at the exact same time. So the H and ADHD is hyperactivity. And a lot of people think like, understandably that that means physically hyperactive. And whilst it can, it actually refers to hyperactivity of the brain, which means we get lots of thoughts at the exact same time. And unfortunately, well, fortunately on one side that's a huge strength. That's why we can be very creative. We get lots of amazing ideas. We're great problem solvers because our brains naturally have to problem solve in real time, all the time.

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But, you know, so, so it is. Yes, sorry, a typo activity of the brain, which is quite misunderstood. So, you know, typically girls go inwards with lots of sort of negative self talk, introspective, a lot of shame, a lot of overthinking, catastrophizing. You know, obviously we've got the kind of, you know, most of us with ADHD who are girl or women. And looking back at our report cards when we were in school, they're usually. Anytime I say this to somebody, if I'm meeting them, you know, if I'm going to be coaching them or having a chat, I'll say, I bet your report card said, you know, highly intelligent, needs to focus more, looking out the window, distracting others. That was my report card. Okay, that's funny. Yeah. Or you know, really focus on are they really, really excelling at say English and whatever and really, you know, need to try harder in whatever maths and science or whatever it is. And what that's about is that ADHD is a deficit of interest and a hyper focus.

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Sorry, a strength of hyperfocus. So that's great. Nobody's ever explained that to me that way. And that makes lots of sense. Yeah. If we don't have interest in something, it's not that we will not, it's that we cannot focus on it without adopting a different working modality. The thing is, and that's because of. The different side of the brain that we're working from.

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It's like there's a lot of neuroscience you can go into, but like, so ADHD basically is, if you can imagine, we all have dopamine at the front of our brain and we all have These dopamine robbers that take them away, take away the dopamine at a steady pace with adhd, it's taking it away too fast. So that's kind of a very, very, very simplistic way of explaining the neuroscience.

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So we. What that means is the ADHD brain is always chasing dopamine, is always chasing any shock or any excitement, good or bad. And it does not differentiate whether that's a good thing or a bad thing and how that can serve us. And I know I'm saying 15 things at the same time, so I'm hoping whoever's listening is. No, it's all making perfect sense to me.

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Maybe people out there that are not adhd, maybe not be following us, but. That'S usually the case. Totally understand, as I said before, I'm sure that I was adhd, but when I was a young girl. Girl, that wasn't a term that was used. Yeah, yeah. And it is. My report card said exactly what you said.

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Yeah. And that is exactly why, you know, sorry, that actually proves, you know, that it is a deficit of interest. Because if we can excel, that's why we've always been very confusing to. Or teachers. It can be very confusing if they're uneducated about adhd, which, you know, we're only kind of really in the world sort of getting. Well, not everywhere in the world, but I know America is a little ahead of Ireland. Well, much further ahead in our. Than Ireland with education about. Around adhd. But we're all improving, thankfully with our understanding of it. But that's why it's confusing when a teacher, say, has a student or a parent is parenting us, you know, their daughter or a grandparent or their daughter or son or grandparent, grandchild or, you know, and they see that the, the child is. Is excelling in some things and amazing in some things or in some environments or situations or with certain people or with certain whatever it might be, but then in others just totally fall apart or just overwhelmed or lash out or whatever it might be.

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It can be. ADHD is very paradoxical. It can be this, but also this at the same time. So you can be highly creative, but also have, you know, total sensory kind of shutdowns at the same time, you know. So, you know, and the way my. Parents dealt with that when I was a child was to say, you just have to study harder or work harder. And it was extremely difficult to do that. And I think it is for children with adhd. It's almost like, I know as a grandparent to a daughter with adhd. I'm constantly trying new things that help her focus better and it doesn't always help. Yeah.

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And so you did ask me, sorry, any tips and stuff. So. Exactly that there's like, I, I do help, you know, I don't work directly with children because it just doesn't work in my opinion, you know, coaching a child, it just doesn't, you know, and you have to be very, very highly trained in that. And whilst I have a daughter who had ADHD or has adhd, it's, it's, it's not something that I find works. But what does work often is helping the parent to understand a.

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Understand ADHD more and understand how to parent somebody with adhd, because it is very different. So I'll give you some examples that I can just think of at the back, the top of my head because, you know, it's. How long is a piece of string?

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There's so many different things I could talk about, but you know, with a few just things that come to mind, you know, with my daughter, I remember she used to come in from school and immediately I would say, hey, how was school? Tell me. You know, and I thought I was being really nice and really friendly and really. And she, and she used to always be like, will you go away, just leave me alone. And I'd be feeling, because I have adhd, I would be feeling that rejection sensitivity dysphoria where you. Any rejection or perceived rejection that I get feels like a physical pain in my chest. And then I, with impulsivity can often have an emo emotional reaction to that. And that's where a lot of people really butt heads. ADHD to ADHD or, or just somebody with ADHD responding to any rejection or perceived rejection. And that's so comforting to know that our reactions are part of our own behavior disorders. Once you understand, that's the thing. Once you understand why you're having a reaction, then you can actually have the real conversation with the person. So even like a couple, if one is react, overreact, and the other person says, hey, why are you, you know, giving way? So like, if somebody comes in and they're saying, oh, you mean are you going to eat another piece of cake? And the person says, the person feels, oh my God, they're saying, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm this. And they feel it and then they give back this reaction. Well, you know, you're this and you're in. The person's like, whoa, why are you being so oversensitive? You Know which we've all been told in our lives. And it's like, well, I've just subconsciously I'm giving you back the pain. You just gave me the same amount. Whereas actually, if I know that I. If I know that I have rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria, I can put information now through a filter and I can understand the that's coming at me. Process it through. Okay. Fact check it. Are they saying the things that my brain is hearing? No. Do they mean to hurt me? No. What can I do? Take a pause and pause when the situation come back. You know, why don't you give us. An example of how you coach a parent that is doing that? I mean, do you physically have them stop at the moment that they're about to react or. Yeah, so I suppose it's about understanding that. So I want to just finish the point there because I realize I'm going off on tangents and you're very kindly letting me.

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So I'm just going to finish the one with my daughter coming in the door.

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It's just so fascinating. And listen, it's. It's. I could talk about it for hours.

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So when my daughter used to come in anyway, and I would sort of basically overwhelm her, not realizing it. What I learned was that actually what I need to do is let her have what we call a transition. So she's just been totally overstimulated all day at school, then on the school bus. Right? She's just gotten off the school bus. And she needs what we call a transition. So what I started doing was saying, hey, hope you had a good day. Come down in half an hour, whatever. So she'd go upstairs to her room, and now she's got half an hour to have a transition of, you know, basically doing something mindless. So that her brain, because the ADHD brain takes in a lot of information and we process.

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We're very fast processing brains, but that's why we can often be very overwhelmed and try and do everything at the same time. So she needed that transition to do something mindless like social media or whatever that might be, so that her brain in the background can process all the sensory stuff coming at her during. During the day, and then she's ready to come back down. So I start. When I started doing that, it really changed everything rather than, you know, and she'd come down, then we'd have lunch and she'd be ready to talk, you know, so I didn't even say I was doing that. I just changed my tact you know, because, you know, the normal parental sort of inclination is to say, oh, hi, you know, how is your. Tell me about your day.

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What do you want for dinner? Oh, look. And. And, you know, that just makes somebody who's. Or if you can imagine, like with adhd, we have an overwhelm bucket, Right. So our job all the time is to keep the bucket low, not fill it up. Right. So if that bucket of overwhelm or sensory bucket, sensory bucket or overwhelmed bucket, whatever you want to call it, is already high, then you don't want to add to that and tip it over, because it will tip over and then there will be a big reaction and probably a fight. And then, you know, it's interesting that. You say that, because I have two children with adhd, and when the younger of the two comes home early because he only goes to school for half a day, and then she gets home at the end of the day, so she's overstimulated, and she comes in and they immediately, he wants a playmate. She overwhelms him, and it always ends up in fighting. So you made me think that perhaps I need to separate her before she interacts with him when she comes home and explain this to them. One thing I find with these children is that they're very good at visualizing. If I explain to them, if I were to say, hey, your bucket's pretty full right now, why don't we go have a little time so you can dump a little of that energy out before you go play with your brother?

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Right? Yeah. I mean, that could be a game changer, you know, it's. Yeah, could be. For us. Yeah, absolutely. And I think, look, it's whatever works. And I think that's the thing. Once you understand what's actually going on now you're having the real conversation.

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Yes. But nobody has ever told us this, Right. So if you can actually understand. Oh, this is why they're having that reaction. It's not because they want to hurt me or they're rude or they need to be taught manners or they. Because that's. That was my go to. It was like, stop being so rude. Absolutely. Stop stairs away from me going, get away from. You know, and I'm not running after a screaming, but I'm sitting here going, why are you being so rude? All I said was, blah, blah, blah. And that's, you know, and. And neurotypically, I think I'm doing something right. I think I'm showering her with love, offering her a meal. You know, what does she want for dinner, let's hang. I think I'm showing her love as a parent. And why wouldn't I? Nobody told me that it needs to be in a different way, right? So when I kind of understood my experience of adhd, I could understand her experience. And now our relationship is much better because I understand when it's time for me just to shut up and start talking, give her, give her space or I know what to kind of offer. And I suppose if we talk about like the symptoms that can kind of maybe help people to understand. Because then if you can kind of please, please do like, I suppose, I mean, honestly, again, if I asked you, this is what I always answer when people say, tell me the symptoms, I know I offered and I will say the symptoms. What are the symptoms of adhd? It's like, well, tell me the symptoms. I'm a. No neurotypical brain. I'll be here for, we'll be here all day. And there's actually the same amount, you know, for adhd, like we trained for a year. The manual is over 10,000 pages on the symptoms of ADHD. And you know, so it's an entirely different blueprint.

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But I suppose things to know about us with ADHD is, you know, it's, it's not a bad brain. There's nothing wrong with us. We don't need to be fixed. We don't need to be taught how to be neurotypical.

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We need people to a understand us and baby, apply totally different, what I call working modalities. I work with a lot of CEOs, thought leaders, musicians, creative professionals, entrepreneurs. And so that's the kind of verbiage I would use. You know, we, we need to use different working modalities to approach things that we know work with adhd. Right. So, but symptoms would be things like justice sensitivity.

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So, you know, I met a woman who's a client now who is a big thought leader in the world and she runs an amazing company that's all about justice for something, basically. And when I said to her, you know, justice, sensitivity is a, is a symptom of adhd. And whilst it can harm us sometimes if we really fight for fairness and people are like, okay, if you're doubling down on a point, you know, if you really believe in it, that can often, you know, make people overwhelmed and feel like you're trying to dominate the, the conversation.

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But it's often coming from passion. But it can also be great because, you know, you can have a company like that lady, which is all about Fairness and justice and, you know, so justice sensitivity is a really, really big symptom of adhd. Rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, as I said. So being too sensitive, as people would say. But again, if I didn't have my sensitivity, would I be able to write songs that help people to process their emotions and cry in an audience? Probably not. Right. I wouldn't give it back. Okay. So it's a totally different brain, which has just got different, good and bad than the neurotypical brain. But we were just never given the manual of understanding it, you know, so. So in. More in. In. In children and teenagers, you know, obviously impulsivity, you know, telling somebody, telling a child, telling anybody with ADHD what to do. Like, as a coach, I'd always say to my clients, I'm not going to be like, if they ask, how are our sessions going to go, I'm not going to be here telling you what to do, because, number one, you're not going to do it. And number two, who am I to be telling you? So ADHD is hate rules. Unless the rules are clearly explained to us and we believe in the rules, then we'll be full, like, we'll be really kind of advocates of the rules. Right. We will push it with you. So if you've got.

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Right. So if you've got a child and you're telling them, do this.

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And authenticity is really important to people with ADHD as well. So if they don't A, understand why you're giving them that rule, or B, they don't agree with it doesn't make sense. You're like, well, why would I do it this way when I can do it this way? That's why a lot of the time we're not employable with ADHD because we'll tell the CEO like I did in my early 20s and working in a gym, why are you doing this with all yourself? That's ridiculous. Probably why I work for myself.

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That's. Well, you're 600% more likely to be an entrepreneur if you have ADHD. So that's. That's interesting. Yeah. And I like to joke, saying we're a bit unemployable, like, not in a bad way, but we often.

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Our brains are good problem solvers. We often. Yes, because the reason for that is because we get so many thoughts at the exact same time.

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You know, we hear about executive dysfunction with adhd. We have to execute. We have to choose in real time, all the time, how to execute a function of our brain. Right. Because if you're getting 12 thoughts at the same time. You have to choose which one to go, you know, to execute, to speak, to say. And we often, just like I'm doing right now, feel like there's a motor in our back that we have to get our point out very quickly because we know our brain will lose it because another great idea will come in. So that's why we can often talk very fast, which. I need to slow down right now. I can hear myself. Yeah. So it also shows your passion.

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And I think that people see that in myself. I mean, if I truly am probably adhd, I know that when I'm talking about something that I'm really passionate about, you can tell it in my face and my speech and my eyes. Exactly. And probably, you know, paradoxically, if you really don't like something, it's probably obvious in your face too, you know? Yes. And I don't realize that myself. You have to. I have to.

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Sometimes you put on a different face when sometimes.

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Interesting. You're saying put on a different face. That is another big symptom of ADHD masking. We hear about this autism, but actually this is a. I've never met somebody with ADHD who doesn't also have masking. Masking is a big symptom of adhd. And what is that? We often will show up because we've been told, as we spoke about all our lives, how we're supposed to be and why. Why are you doing it that way? You know, I think we've heard like 20,000 negative comments by the age 7 years old. It's some. Some statistic. Don't quote me on exactly that statistic, but it's something close to that, you know, from teachers and caregivers. Not, you know, it's not their fault, but, you know, of the way we're doing things wrong. So we internalize that. That's often why trauma shows up worse in people with adhd, because we have, you know, the rejection sensitivity and then we store it anyway. That's a whole other conversation.

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But so masking is showing up as we believe other people think we should show up. People pleasing is a big part of ADHD and a lack of boundaries, and that can be lots of different types of boundaries. I do a lot of boundaries work with people, and that's a game changer. So, you know, masking, you know, we. I suppose that's why it's really important that we don't sort of try and get our children to act in a certain way. Rather, we need to learn more about how their brain works and then what works for, you know, a child with ADHD or what parenting skills we can learn. Because again, like I said, if you tell a child with ADHD the rule, and A, they don't understand it, you haven't explained why, or B, they don't agree with the rule, they're going to rebel against you. You know, oppositional defiance disorder is very common with ADHD in children, and that means that they will literally, I mean, it's kind of in, in the words, in the wording. You know, kids will, for dopamine hits and for, you know, just as sensitive and all the reasons I just said, you will often get this child who just says no or goes against everything you say. And it's really, really, really, really difficult for parents or grandparents, you know, and. You said for a dopamine hit, meaning that they're looking for that, that stimulation, that. That's part of it. Yeah. The being defiant creates. Yes, that's part of it.

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So I'll talk on that in a moment. But just to finish that last point, I suppose, I suppose there's no point in me telling you about these things until. Unless I let you know also what you can do. Right. So a way to kind of help with that is to get your child to come up with the rule with you. Right. So say, okay, you know, you're doing this thing every day. You know, you're not doing your homework every day, you're getting in trouble. Obviously, we don't want that for you. So team up with them. What do you suggest? Do you have any way that I, you know, anything that you think I should, you know, help you with that? And what do you think that the punishment should be if you don't do it multiple times in a row? Because I want you to do it. You want to be able to not get in trouble and not get grounded or whatever. But, yeah, I'm not sure if that's a perfect example, but what I'm trying to say is coming up with getting them on board for making the rules together because they're much more likely to. If they agree with it and they understand it and it came also partially from them, they're much more likely to adhere to the rules and then want to actually, you know, not miss doing the homework because they've. It's part of their rules, they're not going to go against themselves. Right. That's. Do. You know, so it, that's. That can be kind of helpful with that as well. You know, that makes lots of sense. And I know that when I've accidentally or maybe accidentally on purpose tried to do that with the kids, it has been successful when we. Yeah. When we let them come up with consequences for behavior. Exactly. And it does feel. Rather than us imposing it upon them. Yeah, exactly. And like, if anybody's listening and they're like, oh, my God, and they're feeling so bad for, you know, trying to do it the. The way we've all been told, you you shouldn't feel bad because that. How would you have known? You know how? I mean, I didn't know my daughter had ADHD until she was 14, as I said. So I never, like I'm telling you all these things. That's not how I parented my daughter.

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I didn't know that's what I was supposed to do right. Now, luckily, she was actually really, really independent, kind of happy, easy, easy child. Very exuberant and very. And probably because we have adhd, we were similar to her. And whatever way it worked, maybe with the different stimulation of the grandparents and then me, and then she had au pairs as well when I was at school and stuff like that. Maybe that stimulation was actually something that really helped her adhd, you know, she wasn't looking for stimulation.

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Dopamine as much, maybe. Who knows, right? But, you know, I'm certainly not sitting here saying I parented perfectly for ADHD because I didn't even know about it. Right. So how are you supposed to know? You know, So I don't want any of us have shaming themselves for how they feel.

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I find that the transparency being transparent with them, explaining to them the learning curve for ourselves.

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Children are amazingly forgiving. If you say, hey, I just had the most amazing conversation with a mother who's adhd and she's helped me understand this and this and this and this is what I think we could do better. Because I think that you're. And explain to them, actually, they seem to understand that they don't process things the same way some other people do. And I think what it sounds like you're kind of humanizing yourself. You're not just angry mom giving rules. You're actually saying, hey, I don't have all the answers, but I talked to somebody that helped. What do you think? You know? Yeah, that you're in alignment with them. Then you're not. It's not us and them, you know, and you've explained a lot of the. Symptoms that I was not familiar with before, all of which make sense. Let's talk about creativity. Because I've noticed that kids with ADHD seem to be very creative. It's played a role, obviously, in your music career, in your career being a singer, songwriter, and how engaging in creative activities can benefit kids with adhd.

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Yeah, yeah. My brain is like, which one do I start with first? So that's actually really interesting. You know, what's happening me right now is if you give somebody with ADHD too many options, often that's not a good thing because the risk of us not taking one option, you know, that's actually even. It's like going to. That's a good point. How do we better present options to kids with adhd? Yeah, just simplifying things. You know, I think, you know, it's like going to a restaurant.

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I've always famously just had to give myself five seconds.

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If everybody's almost ready to order from the menu, I have to go, okay, five seconds, and choose something. Because for me, like, ADHD is about risk and reward. So for me, I'm like, oh, the risk of ordering that one. And that could be nicer, and that could be, you know, so I just have to go, five seconds, order something. Doesn't matter. It's good enough. Because perfectionism is a huge part of ADHD as well. And the gate. The goal, I always say, is, you know, done is better than perfect and is actually. Is actually the goal because perfection, perfect doesn't exist.

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And perfection is also. And I'll repeat this because I know it's a lot in one sentence, and perfection is actually a form of avoidance because, number one, we already know you're really good at that thing. So it's not like, oh, I should be proud of my perfectionism. No, you're already great at that thing. We know that. But when you strive for. For perfection, and actually, this plays into your question you asked me. I'll give you an example.

00:30:26.001 --> 00:30:48.471
With my music. When you strive for perfection, now, number one, it doesn't exist. So when are you going to be happy? Right after, I think. Doesn't get done at all. So I've tried to have the perfect music album. You know, the perfect. You know, I've been working the songs perfectly, right. But I never stopped at good enough because I was like, oh, you know, it could be better. And that's also a cognitive distortion that we called maximizing.

00:30:48.536 --> 00:31:37.551
And a lot of people with ADHD have that. If you. If you get something like, it could be even in dating, or it can be choosing in a restaurant. It can be whatever. Often we'll go, oh, well, If I can get that. What. How can I do it better? I. Even with my hair and makeup and clothes, I'm always trying to improve, and people are always saying to do, stop. You look great. You know. Yeah, I'm like 15 layers of mascara, famously for the last 25 years. And before I leave the house and even during on the way to where I'm going and look, that's me. And I have accepted that. That's what I do now. But I understand now why I do it. Perfectionism is not. Perfectionism is actually not a great thing, because it really can be. Well, is a form of avoidance as well. Because if we're striving for perfection, which we know doesn't exist, and we're constantly maximizing, trying to get the better thing, then the thing doesn't get finished. Right. So, yeah, great idea.

00:31:37.615 --> 00:31:41.359
You had never got done because you were always striving for it to be better.

00:31:41.480 --> 00:31:52.342
So the goal I always say to my clients is done is better than perfect, because perfect doesn't exist. So my goal for you is absolutely not to do it perfectly, it's to get it done. Yeah.

00:31:52.405 --> 00:32:13.809
Right. Because we already know that you've. Right. Yeah. So, like, you know, done is. Is the goal. Not perfect. I don't want somebody to do something perfectly because I know it's going to make them, you know, it's going to take longer. It may not even get done because they'll just get distracted by something else because they'll get bored of it. We want it just done. That is the goal anyway. But. So I suppose that was, like.

00:32:14.180 --> 00:32:30.395
With my music, you know, that was really helpful. When I would go to the piano, for example, I would hear a song in my head, and I write the lyrics and the melody at the exact same time in my head, I'll go to the piano, which you can see behind me, but they can't see it. But you can see it.

00:32:30.468 --> 00:32:45.521
I see. It's beautiful. Thank you. And I would start writing a folk song that I heard in my head, and I'd start writing that. And then immediately my brain will give me another idea. Oh, I can write this Disney song. And then immediately I'll get another idea. Oh, I can write this. Actually, that sounds like a rap. Oh, that can be doing Irish ballad.

00:32:45.635 --> 00:34:14.670
And then I got so frustrated and overwhelmed that I now got bits of like, 15. Well, it's an exaggerated but, like five or six songs that I just closed the piano. I'm like, okay, done. So now my perfectionism of, like, not. Sorry, that's not even about perfection. That's this is about executive functioning and sort of creativity, you know. So that would disable me. I don't even remember exactly what you asked, but I'll try and finish this point and see if it makes sense. But you know, that would kind of make me shut down and not get the thing done at all. Because now I'm frustrated. Whereas what I learned was, okay, when I, when that happens, just record and okay, I'll play all those other ones I hear in my head. So now I've recorded them. So I've got five other potential beginning beginnings of songs, but I'm going to go back and honor the first idea that came. So with, you know, creativity that's good and bad, same with every symptom of adhd, you know, good now that I understand how to work with it. Because now I've got six potential new songs, right? Whereas before I would have zero songs because I get so frustrated that I don't even remember the original idea because I went off on a tangent of 15 different ways. And that's because again with ADHD it works on risk and reward. So for me, well, what if that Disney song is way better than that folk song I was writing? What about if that rock song is actually the better one? Now I don't know which one is the best. So actually the risk is too high and I just shut down and then I didn't write anything. Whereas when I started actually going, okay, this is working with my brain, okay, this is how my brain works. I'm getting all these ideas. How can that be a bad thing?

00:34:14.789 --> 00:34:54.411
Now I'm just going to record them all, okay? I have them there for when I want to work on them. Now I'm going to go back and, and with that I wrote an album really, really quickly on my own. You know, I always write, co write with a lot of different people. I work with a lot of Emmy and Grammy winning composers in Los Angeles and around the world and singing on that video game World of Warcraft that changed my life. But anyway, you know, I needed to. I knew that my brain was very creative, I could do all the things, but I didn't have confidence in myself that I could finish projects on my own. I thought that I had to co write with people in order to get it done. And whilst that was kind of true, that was only because I didn't understand how to work with my brain that actually that's why I can't finish a song.

00:34:54.476 --> 00:35:31.059
It's because I'm writing five other in my head at the exact same time. You know, and that's why a lot of ADHDers are great at great in a crisis. You know, we're very calm in a crisis. Usually we're sort of, you know, you know, often all over the place. You know, normally if things are calm, but if there's something that is really, you know, there's a lot of people with adhd, I can't explain how many engineers I've met. But anyway, done for some reason I suppose that problem solving brain, right. So yeah, it plays in exactly what I'm talking about. But you know, people in the police force or anything that is dopamine, adrenaline, dopamine inducing.

00:35:31.400 --> 00:36:10.489
Because as I said before with ADHD it's that, you know, basically it's like we don't have enough dopamine available to us at all times. So if we get a shock, any shock, good or bad, that gives us dopamine, that makes us calm. And now we can use and execute the functions of our high powered brinks. ADHD brain is a very usually high powered. And what I mean by that is intelligent because our brains are exploring so many things at the same time and we take in a lot more than neurotypical people in general. Obviously we can't totally generalize, but once our executive functioning is on point, we often kind of, we achieve much higher than say somebody else might.

00:36:11.030 --> 00:37:05.000
Once we have an interest and once that there is sort of that, that excitement, you know, we're always chasing that, that, that high, whether that's a good or a bad and that can be drugs or gossiping or alcohol or cigarettes or it can be, you know, a new business idea, a new song, a new person to meet, a stimuli stimulating environment, you know, so it's, it's, it's about keeping or noticing where the person, whether it's the child or the adult is interested. Because when you see like I guarantee like people would say to me, oh my child can't focus at all. They're not able to focus on any one subject at a time then. And I'm like, okay, what about when they're interested in something? Tell me what their interests are. Can they focus when they're doing that? And the answer is always yes. So ADHD is, it's about, it's like a discovery. What are they interested in? Okay. And does it really.

00:37:05.039 --> 00:37:47.472
Okay, they might need to pass maths and science or whatever. I keep saying them because they were the things for me, but they're different for everyone, you know, they were things I. I wasn't good at because I had no interest and I wouldn't study. But then I loved, you know, English and music and different things. But, you know, if you can kind of notice what they're interested in and bring that in, but then, you know, the things they just have to get by on, like maths for me, for example, then what different working modalities, as I call them, or what different approaches can we do just to get them by with that, even if it doesn't look typical. Right. Well, whatever. I love this conversation. It's making so much more sense to me.

00:37:47.496 --> 00:38:02.260
ADHD is making so much more sense to me talking with you. But I've found with my granddaughter that if I make something fun. So, for instance, she really struggles with reading and she really struggles with math.

00:38:03.079 --> 00:38:26.190
But it was. I noticed when I did reading with her the other night that we made it. We read different parts in the book like it was a play. Okay. When she could act out the reading, she could read better. Wow. So it suddenly became a theatrical experience instead of just reading a book and reading the words.

00:38:26.530 --> 00:38:52.380
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, just like that, like you're giving me again the four ideas, four things I want to say at the same time, like, it just plays into another really important point actually, is that, you know, if imagine that was for study, like that, imagine your child was. That was situation was for having to read a paper for school or whatever it might be, then, you know, the thing with ADHD is that.

00:38:53.719 --> 00:39:24.715
Let me tell a story that will make this make sense. When you come in, when somebody with ADHD comes in the door and loses their key, you know, comes in the door, puts their keys wherever, and then they're going out the door the next time they're going. Leaving the house, and they're like, where the heck did I leave my keys? That's a really common micro problem that people think you're pointing at yourself. Yeah. So, you know, and the reason for that, on a very micro level, but it'll make sense for the kind of macro things, is that you were not interested where you put those keys down. Okay. So you didn't.

00:39:24.827 --> 00:40:41.184
And what this, this next bit is for me, I find it. And it's fascinating. So you weren't interested in where you put those keys down. It wasn't like, oh, wow, look at that table. I've just put my keys down. Right. Therefore, when we do not have dopamine. So dopamine is the neurotransmitter that is responsible for Creating memory. So basically, if you didn't get dopamine, then no memory was created. So now the memory that you're looking for does not exist. It was never stored. Makes so much sense, right? Yes. So that's the kind of really interesting thing about if there's no interest, there's very little memories being created. So now the, you know, if somebody has to kind of regurgitate that in an exam situation, if they were absolutely not interested when they were reading it, it is not going into their brain in the same way that when I remember doing a six month dialectical behavioral therapy, it's like distress tolerance skills. Fascinating. I did that years ago and there was, you know, there was kids in the room, there was parents, and it's a long story, the context, but anyway. But what I thought was really fascinating was, and this is before I knew anything really about adhd, but I remember asking the teachers afterwards or the people giving the lecture why they did it. So they said, if any of the kids here have adhd, let us know.

00:40:41.271 --> 00:41:03.016
And the kids that had ADHD put up their hands. And so what they did was they gave all the kids with ADHD coloring, you know, coloring sheets with, you know, cartoon characters, whatever, you know, coloring sheets to color in. And colors I'm over explaining, you know, what they are. And, and I was really confused. They were like, so now those kids you got, you guys can color in while you're listening.

00:41:03.208 --> 00:41:38.465
And I was like, why are they making them so distracted? And like that doesn't that sounds so counterintuitive. So I end up afterwards and I was like, can I ask you out of interest, like, why did you give the kids with ADHD more distractions? Like, I don't understand that. Like, and they said to me, if you, you know, so like I can't remember exactly how they worded it, but basically they were saying to me and what it reminded me of is, you know, when you're in school yourself, and if you think back to when the teachers were talking about something that was really boring to you, you're looking at them. Yeah. But if they're going to say, hey, Mary, what did I just say? Mary hasn't a clue.

00:41:38.498 --> 00:42:03.980
If she had no interest, if she has adhd because your brain somewhere else that was exciting giving you dopamine. So if you're going to give kids something that they're excited or interested in, they will take in the information that's been spoken in the room, if that makes sense. Yes. Right. Those kids that are drawing and coloring in now they're getting dopamine from that. Now their executive functioning is working way better. Now they're to. In. They're hearing the conversation and it's going to get stored. Oh, my gosh.

00:42:05.679 --> 00:42:09.351
So when my daughter. Yeah, it's. Yeah.

00:42:09.416 --> 00:42:19.295
And so when my daughter was in school and she was taking her own notes, she just could not focus and everything. So we got her a computer and now she's getting. Probably why I was always drawing while.

00:42:19.447 --> 00:43:10.634
Exactly. That's exactly what. Probably because it was giving you dopamine and now you're actually in taking the information and you will remember it. Whereas if you're just looking at the teacher listening or looking at the parent or whatever it is, and they're just talking, and if it's something you are not interested in, your brain is thinking about something that is interesting, you're not taking. So now no dopamine. So much sense. And they can't regurgitate the information. It's not the right word, but you know what I'm trying to say, they can't recoup or whatever. The word is information that a music contract. So many kids with adhd. Why don't they especially train teachers for children with adhd? Because it would seem to me that if you had a classroom where almost. It's almost like teaching a different child, isn't it? It's like teaching an entirely different human experience that needs.

00:43:10.782 --> 00:43:17.538
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So if we had teachers that were teaching for ADHD, I mean, think of what you could do.

00:43:17.673 --> 00:43:20.030
100%, I agree.

00:43:20.889 --> 00:43:21.909
Interesting.

00:43:24.650 --> 00:44:05.673
So much so. So many wonderful things we're talking about. And I think this is such valuable information because it makes a lot of sense. When I look back at my life and how I viewed things and how I processed information and how I felt misunderstood. I'm absolutely fascinated with understanding how to help grandparents manage these roles that they're in and understanding these behavioral disorders or. I don't. I don't want to say it's a. Disorder, but yeah, yeah, it's differences. But yeah, that. That is what it is. You know, medically still called, unfortunately, but yeah.

00:44:05.802 --> 00:44:24.244
Is how we can lead these kids to. I mean, it's great. It would be great to leave this world to say that you changed the lives of a couple of kids and help them understand not only how to manage the trauma they've come from, but understand their differences and encourage their strengths 100%.

00:44:24.331 --> 00:45:10.864
Like, that's, you know, that's why I do what I do. I always did music. You know, I. And that was a strength of ADHD as well, I think. You know, the hyper focus that I. Everyone always said, like you're tenacity was one of the words. But I think your resilience, you know, because, you know, in the music industry you don't earn any money usually, you know, so I, for years with, you know, as a single mom and my daughter, when I was 16, just turned 16, and my parents are very helpful. That's why this, as was I, yeah, resonated with me. Yeah. So, you know, but I hyper focused on. On the music industry and I was very resilient not knowing that was a thing. It just, that is. I always said be on stage is like a drug to me. I always said that sentence because I've never taken drugs drink, but I've never taken drugs. And you know, now I realize it was.

00:45:10.952 --> 00:47:02.733
I was getting so much dopamine. Now obviously you're getting oxytocin, you're getting adrenaline, but that was like, I'm more calm on stage than I am off 100, you know, that is my happy place. My goal in life is. Is if. Well, I think all of our goals in life probably is just to make a tiny little dent in positive way on this world before we go to wherever is next. Right. I've always done music until this just kind of entered my life. And then I got an ADHD coach as soon as I was diagnosed. That changed my life incredibly fast. Because I think a lot of it is the validation and understanding. And you've kind of heard a little bit like of it today, but you feel validated. It's like a whole new rebirth. So when I coach somebody, it's really, really, really amazing for me to be able to be a part of facilitating somebody's entire world turning upside down in a positive way. And literally they have the path. Like I have clients that have said to me. One client, I worked there for about a year and a half, director of a company, really amazing girl, amazing one. And she said to me, now you've changed. And I'm not trying to big myself up. This isn't what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to I understand. You know, it's when somebody, you know, has that experience of understanding they're not broken and the shame is gone. And validating their life experience and giving them a path forward that doesn't have all the hardships that they've already endured, even though they have successes, it's amazing. And what she said to me was, nella, you've literally changed the trajectory of my life. I feel like I could write a book on adhd. Now I understand how my brain works. And you set me, what you say, you set me up for a life of success. Now she's already very successful. It was, you know, that's the type of kind of experience I have when I work with somebody for a short amount of time. Because when you just start, as I said, you've heard in a very short time, even things that have probably changed the way you look at things forever. And that's not because of me. It's just I happen to have, you know, the gift of the gap. I can actually speak a lot on it because I'm so passionate about it.

00:47:02.822 --> 00:47:17.246
That's another thing with adhd. You know, we're very good at what we're very passionate about and interested in, but I get to be able to help people to have, you know, to really be more of them, not be more neurotypical. That's not what we want.

00:47:17.318 --> 00:47:24.250
You know, there's nothing wrong with you if you have adhd. I would not give my ADHD back. Genuinely, I would not give it back.

00:47:24.710 --> 00:47:43.326
Now would I give back some of my, you know, experiences of having a breakdown at 19 from having constant overwhelm and burnout, and what I understand now was depression from not meeting my goals and potential. And that was frustrating when I knew I could. That's why we get depression often with adhd.

00:47:43.518 --> 00:48:40.507
I'd rather not to have had that breakdown, obviously, but now I understand what it was, and I understand that that was an entire sensory overload in a relationship, for example. It was just too many feelings, too many. And so I didn't know how to process that. Well, all I can say is this. Has been an absolutely amazing conversation. I've really enjoyed it. And as I said, you know, it's. I just think what you're doing is amazing because, like, as I said, you. Before we started recording, you know, my parents, like, they were like, I had my daughter. I was pregnant when I was 15. I had her when I was 16 and a single mom. And, you know, my mom was, like, always saying to me, like, they never had any resources as a grandparent to, like, help their kid have a kid and do it successfully. You know, there's no manual. There's no, you know, an adhd. As I. They didn't even know about that. But, you know, and I just think something like this, what you're doing, is incredible because that would have been an. This would have been an amazing resource for my parents to have back then.

00:48:40.563 --> 00:48:55.592
Right. So I just think what you're doing is really, that's why when, when we, when we first spoke, it resonated with me because I know my, my mom especially and my dad really could have done with something like this. You know, they did a great job. There was nothing wrong, but just as a. Obviously. Yeah.

00:48:55.655 --> 00:49:25.429
Well, thank you. But as a support system for them. So I just think what you're doing is really amazing. Yeah, I can, I can, I can resonate just from literally hearing my mom say over the years, it would have been great to have some sort of resources and this. Actually, I've never even knew that you, you know, you existed. I suppose this is so new for you as well. And you're, you're doing great. Anyway, I'll stop rambling. That's ADHD too. No, I really look forward to meeting her and I hope I get to meet your mom someday. Yeah. Well, thank you. Thanks, Nella.

00:49:26.809 --> 00:50:07.079
Nella's music website is iamnella.com you can find her on Instagram @adh diversity or email her at ADHD coachnella mail.com to find out more about our program ADHD Life Mastery. You'll also find these links in the show notes. Thanks for joining us today for another episode of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. Nurturing Through Adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.

00:50:07.739 --> 00:50:21.760
Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together.

00:50:22.539 --> 00:51:40.960
In our next episode, we're going to discuss an essential topic for every parent and caregiver. How to talk to tweens and teens about resisting peer pressure. Join us with Barbara Ann Mojica, an educator with over 40 years of experience as a teacher, special educator, principal and school district administrator. Together we're going to explore five practical tips that can empower parents to nurture strong self esteem and decision making skills with their children. So whether you're a parent, a teacher, or someone who cares about guiding the next generation, you won't want to miss this eye opening conversation. Tune in and discover how to equip the young ones in your life with the tools they need to stand strong and make positive choices amidst peer pressure. Thank you for tuning in to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing through Adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.