Aug. 11, 2025
Raising Emotionally Whole Boys: A Grandparent's Guide
Are you a grandparent striving to raise emotionally healthy boys in a world that sometimes discourages men from expressing their true feelings? Do you wonder how to break generational cycles that keep boys trapped in an “emotional desert,” unable to connect with their vulnerabilities and strengths? Are you seeking guidance on nurturing grandsons and granddaughters alike, empowering them to access their full emotional selves?
I’m Laura Brazan, host of ‘Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity.’ In this episode, we’re joined by psychologist Gloria Vanderhorst, who brings over 50 years of experience to help us understand the vital role grandparents play in fostering emotional wholeness. Together, we’ll unpack cultural myths about boys’ emotions, provide practical steps for building emotional intelligence, and share tools—like feeling vocabulary lists—to create open conversations at home.
You can find Dr. Vanderhorst's New York Times best-selling journal book, Read, Reflect, Respond: The 3 R's of Growth and Change on her website.
Tune in for expert advice, real-life stories, and actionable strategies to help your grandchildren thrive. Join our supportive community as we break old patterns and nurture the next generation’s emotional wellbeing—one heartfelt conversation at a time. Subscribe now and discover how you can be the catalyst for lasting, positive change in your family’s legacy.
Parenting Is Too Short to Spend It Stressed.
Learn how to turn everyday moments into joyful connection — with zero guilt and zero gimmicks. Visit Parenting Harmony.
Thank you for tuning into today's episode. It's been a journey of shared stories, insights, and invaluable advice from the heart of a community that knows the beauty and challenges of raising grandchildren. Your presence and engagement mean the world to us and to grandparents everywhere stepping up in ways they never imagined.
Remember, you're not alone on this journey. For more resources, support, and stories, visit our website and follow us on our social media channels. If today's episode moved you, consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort and connection in our shared experiences.
We look forward to bringing more stories and expert advice your way next week. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.
Want to be a guest on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity? Send Laura Brazan a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/grg
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00:00 - Gendered Emotional Conditioning Impact
04:58 - Preschool Boys Misunderstood as Hyperactive
06:37 - "Boys' Emotional Range: Historical Adaptation"
10:14 - Unlocking Emotional Depth in Men
16:27 - Flexible Growth Journal
22:06 - Welcoming Boys' Emotions Equally
24:15 - "Nurturing Emotional Growth in Kids"
WEBVTT
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:18.399
How is a little boy treated when he falls compared to when a little girl falls? If you were brought up the way I was, boys were often told to be a man, not to cry, not to whine. Little girls, on the other hand, were almost encouraged to be fragile. It was seen as a feminine trait.
00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:33.390
But what are the long term consequences of this emotional conditioning? Our jails are disproportionately full of men, and the significant reason for this is often linked to an inability to express negative feelings in healthy ways.
00:00:33.789 --> 00:00:50.350
While our generation has made some strides in this area, we still have a long way to go. This week on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, we're diving deep into this critical topic with Gloria Van der Horst, a psychologist with 50 years of experience.
00:00:51.469 --> 00:01:48.280
Gloria's profound work shines a light on how our culture sees systematically robs males of access to the full range of emotions, leaving them in what she calls an emotional desert. Join us as Gloria shares her wisdom on recognizing these subtle patterns in our grandchildren and more importantly, how we as grandparents can actively open up the world of feelings for both our grandsons and granddaughters. What vital steps can we take to ensure our boys avoid this emotional desert? And how can understanding our own emotional selves transform relationships within the entire family? Tune in to unlock the secrets to fostering true emotional wholeness and building a foundation of healthy self expression for the children you love. You won't want to miss this vital conversation with Gloria Van der Horst.
00:01:52.359 --> 00:02:40.719
Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and explorations advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
00:02:43.280 --> 00:03:00.939
We'll discuss how we can change the. Course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
00:03:02.379 --> 00:03:11.419
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.
00:03:18.379 --> 00:03:47.490
Gloria points out that genetically, men, having originated from their hunter gatherer ancestors, are generally exuberant and physically active. It's actually proven that they are more emotional than girls. And yet, how many times do we hear parents tell their sons, boys, don't cry or don't be such a sissy. We As a culture, are not afraid to coddle our daughters from their hurts and are more encouraging when it comes to nurturing their grief and their pain.
00:03:47.969 --> 00:04:13.129
We've generationally suppressed that very nature, inadvertently robbing the male sex of full access to their emotions. This sets them up for the emotional desert Gloria speaks about. Listen in to how she tells us how we can increase our young men's feeling vocabularies. Welcome, Gloria, to our show. We're honored to have you here today.
00:04:14.729 --> 00:04:40.730
I'm excited about this conversation. I'm really looking forward to it. I am as well, because the future of our children and the legacy that we leave as grandparents is very important. And in your career, you began working with preschool boys, noticing how their exuberance and physical energy was oftentimes mislabeled.
00:04:41.290 --> 00:05:19.100
Absolutely. Tell us more about what you observed and how you believe that our culture, even from such a very young age, began, begins to limit their access to the full range of their emotional abilities. Well, I was fortunate to have a friend who ran a preschool, and so that enabled me to work with the preschool children and teachers. And as you know, most preschools are run by females, and most preschool teachers are females.
00:05:19.579 --> 00:05:38.139
And so when a boy comes into the system, the women are almost distressed by the exuberance of the boy, the activity of the boy, the verbalizations of the boys.
00:05:38.139 --> 00:06:07.529
Boys get louder, boys get busier, they move around more. And then what happens is that they get identified as having a problem. And typically, the teacher, the preschool head, will think of them as they must have attention deficit because they won't, you know, stay quiet, they won't stay in their place.
00:06:08.329 --> 00:06:37.470
They want to often. And so I got to interact with a lot of these preschool boys who were labeled as attention deficit. And in the course of my reading and research, I have come to discover that boys come into the world with a broader range of emotional expression than girls do. Isn't that interesting?
00:06:37.629 --> 00:09:10.759
It's fascinating. You know, you have to ask yourself, it's got to be adaptive in something, right? Why would we be programmed that boys have a wider range of emotional expression than girls do? That's a bit of a mystery we could hypothesize, but it's fact. They have a wider range of emotional expression. And so we historically and for very good reason, have trained boys to confine some parts of their emotional expression, because think of it right as cavemen. They have to take their spear and go out and track animals and kill them, while the female stayed inside the cave with the fire and the children and so we don't want them being afraid or being weary. We want them being strong. And that's carried forward for centuries. Well, yes. And yet as a personality trait, that's not something we commonly talk about with men. We say the quiet type, the strong, quiet, silent type. Right, right, right. We don't want them expressing feelings that are soft, tender, yet. Right. When we go into relationship with a man, we long for that, but we don't realize that we have already, at the infant level, train them to shut off those types of feeling states. We want them to be strong, aggressive, kind of complicated intellectually, but we don't want them to be tender. We really don't want them to be soft. We don't want them to cry. We don't want them to have emotions on that end of the continuum. And it's all wrong. And it's very important at this point in history that we make a dramatic change and encourage boys to experience the full range of emotion. This is what you've termed in your book the emotional desert. Right, right.
00:09:12.600 --> 00:09:19.669
Interesting. Because we actually complain when we see that they don't know how to express their feelings.
00:09:20.549 --> 00:09:38.549
It's true. Right. But what we have discovered is that the male's expression of feelings is narrowed by interaction with mother in infancy.
00:09:39.029 --> 00:09:51.320
Interesting. That's. That's just like mind blowing, right? It is. We've trained them to be that way, and so now we have to retrain them differently. Correct.
00:09:51.480 --> 00:10:13.139
We want to encourage that full range of expression because as AI advances, emotional intelligence will have to keep up with it. Or you use internal family systems and emotion focused therapy. Right. Tell us how that works.
00:10:14.019 --> 00:11:28.419
Well, both of these are based on the reality that we all have access to a variety of different feeling states and that even though, all right, we have trained men not to access the more tender end of the emotional range, they still have that capability. It still exists in your brain. Your brain doesn't lose it or wipe it out, so you can still access it. And with emotion focused therapy and internal family systems, you can open up those parts of the brain that have been closed by the social structure and connections can be made. People can come closer together. They can be able to express tender feelings and go deeper into relationship with each other. And that's what we want to encourage, not only in adults, but we want to really encourage that in our younger children and our boys in particular.
00:11:29.460 --> 00:12:13.539
Right. You mentioned to me in previous conversations a list in which you help us use modern terminology to encourage men, boys and men to speak about their feelings. Because oftentimes we get irritated and we don't provide, really, a very nurturing environment for them to open up. I would be happy to send anyone this. It's like four or five pages. Yeah. With four columns on each page. All feeling words.
00:12:14.019 --> 00:12:36.509
It's like blow your mind. You didn't even realize that many feeling words existed in the world. And the truth is that when you scan through that list, your brain will automatically pick out the feelings that you're experiencing. So it's all housed up there.
00:12:36.509 --> 00:13:06.259
We still recognize what we're feeling if we've just been given the right tool to recognize it. I actually thought that I would. I had this vision, this vision of leaving a printed copy on the coffee table in the living room, or even making little index cards with the words and putting them on the dinner table and using one of them. Because it's humorous how we.
00:13:06.259 --> 00:13:47.830
Well, it's not really, but how we discuss feelings. And I thought it might be fun to see how that. How that triggers the family to feel safer about releasing thoughts. Absolutely. I have had families do that. All right. Put a copy on the kitchen table. Put a copy in the living room, and put a copy in the bedroom. And it's fabulous. All right. Because your brain can recognize what your feeling experience is, and then you get to have a great conversation.
00:13:49.340 --> 00:13:52.980
All right. But we're not used to using those terms. No, we're not.
00:13:52.980 --> 00:13:59.980
Conversations. I can't wait to read it, and I hope you'll share it with us. Perhaps we'll put a link in the show notes.
00:14:00.299 --> 00:14:03.740
Definitely. Great. You have a blog?
00:14:04.779 --> 00:14:11.820
I do. Your blog helps men and women better understand their emotional selves and relationship dynamics.
00:14:13.100 --> 00:14:20.009
And I put together a book with these blogs so that you can do one a week.
00:14:20.570 --> 00:14:28.169
You can also go through this in any direction you want. You don't have to start at the beginning and take them in sequence.
00:14:28.889 --> 00:15:18.289
The name of the book is Read, reflect, respond. The three Rs of growth and Change. This is a different type of journal. There's an essay on one page, and the facing page is blank. So that you can tap into parts of your brain that are not based in language. You can draw, you can scribble, you can tear the page if you want, but you'll lose the essay on the other side unless you tape it back together. But the point is that we can access all of the information that we've come into the world with and all of the information that we have gained.
00:15:18.289 --> 00:15:46.879
Our brains are just amazing. They hold on to absolutely everything and you. So there's hope for our future. Yeah. You can tap back in to all of that and it leads to healing. Right. When you discover an experience that you had in preschool and how that led you then to decide, okay, I will kind of hold back.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:16:19.049
I won't initiate. I'll wait for others to come to me because I've been injured someplace in preschool. And when you find that particular experience where you felt shamed because you did initiate and then you got shamed for initiating, and when you understand that, it's like, oh, you know, keep doing that.
00:16:19.690 --> 00:16:25.929
It's like key to the kingdom. Yeah, right. It's definitely the key to the kingdom kind of thing.
00:16:28.730 --> 00:16:39.740
Well, I'm looking forward to. And I'm, I am going to ask at the end where of our conversation where our listeners can find those books and also connect with you.
00:16:39.980 --> 00:16:50.700
But I'm assuming that the book you're speaking of is available the three Rs of growth change is available on Amazon. Growth and Change is available on Amazon. Read, reflect, respond.
00:16:51.019 --> 00:17:13.349
Three Rs of growth and Change give. Us one key insight about fostering healthier men. All right. One of the things that happens in relationship is that women tend to say that they want their men to open up and to be more vulnerable.
00:17:14.230 --> 00:17:36.950
But when a man does open up, let's say there's some kind of a tragedy or trauma that leads them to burst into tears, the woman typically moves backwards, not forwards.
00:17:37.670 --> 00:17:44.390
Interesting. Because this is so strange. It's so unusual. Right.
00:17:44.950 --> 00:17:54.890
Typically, the male in my life just doesn't express feeling like this, that we're caught off guard and we don't know what to do.
00:17:55.690 --> 00:18:23.059
So we have to be able to prepare ourselves to receive the emotion that we say that we want. All right. And to be able to support the male when he is vulnerable and not be afraid of it, not move away from it, but move into it and seek more. Right. Tell me more of how you're feeling.
00:18:24.980 --> 00:18:28.579
I was going to say, what's the best way to respond to thank them.
00:18:28.579 --> 00:19:10.559
Sometimes men don't know what to do with that kind of sincerity. Yeah. The first thing is just to announce that you're here, I'm here, and I'm not going anyplace. Right. Because the fear for a male is that they will be abandoned if they go into those softer feeling states because they have told over and over again, you know, boys don't cry. And so they need the sense that you're going to stay right there.
00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:14.400
What a great point. Almost like a mother's love.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:21.609
Definitely like A hug like that, it's definitely like a hug, right? It is a verbal hug.
00:19:21.849 --> 00:19:24.569
I'm here and I'm not going to go anyplace.
00:19:25.289 --> 00:19:34.329
Wow. I think this information is so important for where we are heading politically, socially.
00:19:36.490 --> 00:20:40.670
We as women have been leaders in many ways in our families, and this is a way that we can lead our mental health to be more wholesome individuals and healthier leaders in their future. Absolutely. And if you have, you know, grandsons, little guys, which I do, you want to welcome their emotions. I'll tell you a story, right? If you go to the local mall and you watch the exchange between parents and a little boy toddler and parents and a little girl toddler, if the girl gets distressed and runs up to mom and dad, she will get picked up and then she will be asked what happened. If the little boy is distressed, runs up to mom and dad, he will be asked what happened. If he gives a good enough answer, he will be picked up.
00:20:43.390 --> 00:20:46.670
Please pick that boy up first.
00:20:47.630 --> 00:21:21.710
Pick that boy up first and then ask what happened. He should not have to justify himself to get. Don't make them justify their feelings and emotions. That's right. Important takeaway. Well, Gloria, your 50 years of wisdom are truly a gift and for grandparents listening today. Any other important messages you want to share with them? I think the relationship between grandparent and grandchild is golden.
00:21:22.910 --> 00:21:48.859
It gives the child the opportunity to have acceptance without question. Right. Without having to justify anything. This is the one gift that a grandparent can give to a grandchild is that they are valued just for being themselves.
00:21:50.619 --> 00:22:01.440
Thank you. That's great wisdom to share. Thanks, Gloria. I appreciate your time so much. I've enjoyed the conversations. Nice to be with you. Thank you, Laura.
00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:42.150
Today's conversation with Gloria Van der Horst has opened our eyes to the emotional desert and how we as grandparents can actively nurture a full range of feelings in our grandchildren. Her insights into understanding boys emotional development are truly invaluable. What resonated most with you from this important discussion? Are there specific ways you plan to increase your young men's feeling vocabularies? Share your thoughts, experiences, or a question this episode sparked for you on our social media or website. Let's build a community dedicated to fostering emotionally healthy, expressive children.
00:22:42.950 --> 00:23:30.559
And please share this episode with anyone who wants to ensure the children they love grow up with full access to their emotional selves. Together we can help break old patterns and cultivate a new generation grounded in emotional wholeness. Next time on the podcast, get ready for insights from Coach Yana the Laptop Life Coach as we head back to school, we're diving into crucial conversations about safe, fun and engaging online socialization for our kids. Coach Yana will share her expert strategies for navigating the digital world, ensuring our children connect positively and and prepare for a successful school year. Don't miss this vital discussion.
00:23:31.279 --> 00:23:44.880
Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:55.950
Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:18.399
How is a little boy treated when he falls compared to when a little girl falls? If you were brought up the way I was, boys were often told to be a man, not to cry, not to whine. Little girls, on the other hand, were almost encouraged to be fragile. It was seen as a feminine trait.
00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:33.390
But what are the long term consequences of this emotional conditioning? Our jails are disproportionately full of men, and the significant reason for this is often linked to an inability to express negative feelings in healthy ways.
00:00:33.789 --> 00:00:50.350
While our generation has made some strides in this area, we still have a long way to go. This week on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, we're diving deep into this critical topic with Gloria Van der Horst, a psychologist with 50 years of experience.
00:00:51.469 --> 00:01:48.280
Gloria's profound work shines a light on how our culture sees systematically robs males of access to the full range of emotions, leaving them in what she calls an emotional desert. Join us as Gloria shares her wisdom on recognizing these subtle patterns in our grandchildren and more importantly, how we as grandparents can actively open up the world of feelings for both our grandsons and granddaughters. What vital steps can we take to ensure our boys avoid this emotional desert? And how can understanding our own emotional selves transform relationships within the entire family? Tune in to unlock the secrets to fostering true emotional wholeness and building a foundation of healthy self expression for the children you love. You won't want to miss this vital conversation with Gloria Van der Horst.
00:01:52.359 --> 00:02:40.719
Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and explorations advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
00:02:43.280 --> 00:03:00.939
We'll discuss how we can change the. Course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
00:03:02.379 --> 00:03:11.419
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.
00:03:18.379 --> 00:03:47.490
Gloria points out that genetically, men, having originated from their hunter gatherer ancestors, are generally exuberant and physically active. It's actually proven that they are more emotional than girls. And yet, how many times do we hear parents tell their sons, boys, don't cry or don't be such a sissy. We As a culture, are not afraid to coddle our daughters from their hurts and are more encouraging when it comes to nurturing their grief and their pain.
00:03:47.969 --> 00:04:13.129
We've generationally suppressed that very nature, inadvertently robbing the male sex of full access to their emotions. This sets them up for the emotional desert Gloria speaks about. Listen in to how she tells us how we can increase our young men's feeling vocabularies. Welcome, Gloria, to our show. We're honored to have you here today.
00:04:14.729 --> 00:04:40.730
I'm excited about this conversation. I'm really looking forward to it. I am as well, because the future of our children and the legacy that we leave as grandparents is very important. And in your career, you began working with preschool boys, noticing how their exuberance and physical energy was oftentimes mislabeled.
00:04:41.290 --> 00:05:19.100
Absolutely. Tell us more about what you observed and how you believe that our culture, even from such a very young age, began, begins to limit their access to the full range of their emotional abilities. Well, I was fortunate to have a friend who ran a preschool, and so that enabled me to work with the preschool children and teachers. And as you know, most preschools are run by females, and most preschool teachers are females.
00:05:19.579 --> 00:05:38.139
And so when a boy comes into the system, the women are almost distressed by the exuberance of the boy, the activity of the boy, the verbalizations of the boys.
00:05:38.139 --> 00:06:07.529
Boys get louder, boys get busier, they move around more. And then what happens is that they get identified as having a problem. And typically, the teacher, the preschool head, will think of them as they must have attention deficit because they won't, you know, stay quiet, they won't stay in their place.
00:06:08.329 --> 00:06:37.470
They want to often. And so I got to interact with a lot of these preschool boys who were labeled as attention deficit. And in the course of my reading and research, I have come to discover that boys come into the world with a broader range of emotional expression than girls do. Isn't that interesting?
00:06:37.629 --> 00:09:10.759
It's fascinating. You know, you have to ask yourself, it's got to be adaptive in something, right? Why would we be programmed that boys have a wider range of emotional expression than girls do? That's a bit of a mystery we could hypothesize, but it's fact. They have a wider range of emotional expression. And so we historically and for very good reason, have trained boys to confine some parts of their emotional expression, because think of it right as cavemen. They have to take their spear and go out and track animals and kill them, while the female stayed inside the cave with the fire and the children and so we don't want them being afraid or being weary. We want them being strong. And that's carried forward for centuries. Well, yes. And yet as a personality trait, that's not something we commonly talk about with men. We say the quiet type, the strong, quiet, silent type. Right, right, right. We don't want them expressing feelings that are soft, tender, yet. Right. When we go into relationship with a man, we long for that, but we don't realize that we have already, at the infant level, train them to shut off those types of feeling states. We want them to be strong, aggressive, kind of complicated intellectually, but we don't want them to be tender. We really don't want them to be soft. We don't want them to cry. We don't want them to have emotions on that end of the continuum. And it's all wrong. And it's very important at this point in history that we make a dramatic change and encourage boys to experience the full range of emotion. This is what you've termed in your book the emotional desert. Right, right.
00:09:12.600 --> 00:09:19.669
Interesting. Because we actually complain when we see that they don't know how to express their feelings.
00:09:20.549 --> 00:09:38.549
It's true. Right. But what we have discovered is that the male's expression of feelings is narrowed by interaction with mother in infancy.
00:09:39.029 --> 00:09:51.320
Interesting. That's. That's just like mind blowing, right? It is. We've trained them to be that way, and so now we have to retrain them differently. Correct.
00:09:51.480 --> 00:10:13.139
We want to encourage that full range of expression because as AI advances, emotional intelligence will have to keep up with it. Or you use internal family systems and emotion focused therapy. Right. Tell us how that works.
00:10:14.019 --> 00:11:28.419
Well, both of these are based on the reality that we all have access to a variety of different feeling states and that even though, all right, we have trained men not to access the more tender end of the emotional range, they still have that capability. It still exists in your brain. Your brain doesn't lose it or wipe it out, so you can still access it. And with emotion focused therapy and internal family systems, you can open up those parts of the brain that have been closed by the social structure and connections can be made. People can come closer together. They can be able to express tender feelings and go deeper into relationship with each other. And that's what we want to encourage, not only in adults, but we want to really encourage that in our younger children and our boys in particular.
00:11:29.460 --> 00:12:13.539
Right. You mentioned to me in previous conversations a list in which you help us use modern terminology to encourage men, boys and men to speak about their feelings. Because oftentimes we get irritated and we don't provide, really, a very nurturing environment for them to open up. I would be happy to send anyone this. It's like four or five pages. Yeah. With four columns on each page. All feeling words.
00:12:14.019 --> 00:12:36.509
It's like blow your mind. You didn't even realize that many feeling words existed in the world. And the truth is that when you scan through that list, your brain will automatically pick out the feelings that you're experiencing. So it's all housed up there.
00:12:36.509 --> 00:13:06.259
We still recognize what we're feeling if we've just been given the right tool to recognize it. I actually thought that I would. I had this vision, this vision of leaving a printed copy on the coffee table in the living room, or even making little index cards with the words and putting them on the dinner table and using one of them. Because it's humorous how we.
00:13:06.259 --> 00:13:47.830
Well, it's not really, but how we discuss feelings. And I thought it might be fun to see how that. How that triggers the family to feel safer about releasing thoughts. Absolutely. I have had families do that. All right. Put a copy on the kitchen table. Put a copy in the living room, and put a copy in the bedroom. And it's fabulous. All right. Because your brain can recognize what your feeling experience is, and then you get to have a great conversation.
00:13:49.340 --> 00:13:52.980
All right. But we're not used to using those terms. No, we're not.
00:13:52.980 --> 00:13:59.980
Conversations. I can't wait to read it, and I hope you'll share it with us. Perhaps we'll put a link in the show notes.
00:14:00.299 --> 00:14:03.740
Definitely. Great. You have a blog?
00:14:04.779 --> 00:14:11.820
I do. Your blog helps men and women better understand their emotional selves and relationship dynamics.
00:14:13.100 --> 00:14:20.009
And I put together a book with these blogs so that you can do one a week.
00:14:20.570 --> 00:14:28.169
You can also go through this in any direction you want. You don't have to start at the beginning and take them in sequence.
00:14:28.889 --> 00:15:18.289
The name of the book is Read, reflect, respond. The three Rs of growth and Change. This is a different type of journal. There's an essay on one page, and the facing page is blank. So that you can tap into parts of your brain that are not based in language. You can draw, you can scribble, you can tear the page if you want, but you'll lose the essay on the other side unless you tape it back together. But the point is that we can access all of the information that we've come into the world with and all of the information that we have gained.
00:15:18.289 --> 00:15:46.879
Our brains are just amazing. They hold on to absolutely everything and you. So there's hope for our future. Yeah. You can tap back in to all of that and it leads to healing. Right. When you discover an experience that you had in preschool and how that led you then to decide, okay, I will kind of hold back.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:16:19.049
I won't initiate. I'll wait for others to come to me because I've been injured someplace in preschool. And when you find that particular experience where you felt shamed because you did initiate and then you got shamed for initiating, and when you understand that, it's like, oh, you know, keep doing that.
00:16:19.690 --> 00:16:25.929
It's like key to the kingdom. Yeah, right. It's definitely the key to the kingdom kind of thing.
00:16:28.730 --> 00:16:39.740
Well, I'm looking forward to. And I'm, I am going to ask at the end where of our conversation where our listeners can find those books and also connect with you.
00:16:39.980 --> 00:16:50.700
But I'm assuming that the book you're speaking of is available the three Rs of growth change is available on Amazon. Growth and Change is available on Amazon. Read, reflect, respond.
00:16:51.019 --> 00:17:13.349
Three Rs of growth and Change give. Us one key insight about fostering healthier men. All right. One of the things that happens in relationship is that women tend to say that they want their men to open up and to be more vulnerable.
00:17:14.230 --> 00:17:36.950
But when a man does open up, let's say there's some kind of a tragedy or trauma that leads them to burst into tears, the woman typically moves backwards, not forwards.
00:17:37.670 --> 00:17:44.390
Interesting. Because this is so strange. It's so unusual. Right.
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Typically, the male in my life just doesn't express feeling like this, that we're caught off guard and we don't know what to do.
00:17:55.690 --> 00:18:23.059
So we have to be able to prepare ourselves to receive the emotion that we say that we want. All right. And to be able to support the male when he is vulnerable and not be afraid of it, not move away from it, but move into it and seek more. Right. Tell me more of how you're feeling.
00:18:24.980 --> 00:18:28.579
I was going to say, what's the best way to respond to thank them.
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Sometimes men don't know what to do with that kind of sincerity. Yeah. The first thing is just to announce that you're here, I'm here, and I'm not going anyplace. Right. Because the fear for a male is that they will be abandoned if they go into those softer feeling states because they have told over and over again, you know, boys don't cry. And so they need the sense that you're going to stay right there.
00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:14.400
What a great point. Almost like a mother's love.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:21.609
Definitely like A hug like that, it's definitely like a hug, right? It is a verbal hug.
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I'm here and I'm not going to go anyplace.
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Wow. I think this information is so important for where we are heading politically, socially.
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We as women have been leaders in many ways in our families, and this is a way that we can lead our mental health to be more wholesome individuals and healthier leaders in their future. Absolutely. And if you have, you know, grandsons, little guys, which I do, you want to welcome their emotions. I'll tell you a story, right? If you go to the local mall and you watch the exchange between parents and a little boy toddler and parents and a little girl toddler, if the girl gets distressed and runs up to mom and dad, she will get picked up and then she will be asked what happened. If the little boy is distressed, runs up to mom and dad, he will be asked what happened. If he gives a good enough answer, he will be picked up.
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Please pick that boy up first.
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Pick that boy up first and then ask what happened. He should not have to justify himself to get. Don't make them justify their feelings and emotions. That's right. Important takeaway. Well, Gloria, your 50 years of wisdom are truly a gift and for grandparents listening today. Any other important messages you want to share with them? I think the relationship between grandparent and grandchild is golden.
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It gives the child the opportunity to have acceptance without question. Right. Without having to justify anything. This is the one gift that a grandparent can give to a grandchild is that they are valued just for being themselves.
00:21:50.619 --> 00:22:01.440
Thank you. That's great wisdom to share. Thanks, Gloria. I appreciate your time so much. I've enjoyed the conversations. Nice to be with you. Thank you, Laura.
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Today's conversation with Gloria Van der Horst has opened our eyes to the emotional desert and how we as grandparents can actively nurture a full range of feelings in our grandchildren. Her insights into understanding boys emotional development are truly invaluable. What resonated most with you from this important discussion? Are there specific ways you plan to increase your young men's feeling vocabularies? Share your thoughts, experiences, or a question this episode sparked for you on our social media or website. Let's build a community dedicated to fostering emotionally healthy, expressive children.
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And please share this episode with anyone who wants to ensure the children they love grow up with full access to their emotional selves. Together we can help break old patterns and cultivate a new generation grounded in emotional wholeness. Next time on the podcast, get ready for insights from Coach Yana the Laptop Life Coach as we head back to school, we're diving into crucial conversations about safe, fun and engaging online socialization for our kids. Coach Yana will share her expert strategies for navigating the digital world, ensuring our children connect positively and and prepare for a successful school year. Don't miss this vital discussion.
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Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.
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Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.
