How to Mentor Neurodivergent Youth With Confidence

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Are you striving to leave a profound legacy for your grandchildren?

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Do you dream of shifting the paradigms they were born into?

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In today's ever evolving world, many of us find ourselves raising neurodivergent children, a concept unfamiliar when raising our own kids. While the core principles of mentorship have endured, our next episode features Dr. Deborah Heiser, an applied developmental psychologist specializing in midlife and aging.

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As the founder and CEO of the Mentor Project and the author of the mentorship edge, Dr. Heiser brings a wealth of knowledge to the table. Join us as we explore her insights and uncover practical strategies specifically tailored to mentoring neurodivergent children.

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Equip yourself with the tools to guide the next generation with confidence and compassion. Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Nurturing through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experience, experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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The Mentor Project is a group of STEM mentors that are sharing their expertise with students around the globe, of which Deborah Heiser is the founder. I recently subscribed to Deborah's column in Psychology Today called the right side of 40, which is a fabulous column if you're interested in it. By the way, a recent article called Mentoring Neurodivergent Minds with Confidence inspired me to contact Deborah and do this interview.

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Neurodiversity covers a lot of labels, and as grandparents raising grandchildren, we didn't have those labels at our age. We might have said that our kids were distracted easily or overly active, or excelled in some areas of school and not in others. There's a quote in your recent book the Mentor's Edge by Erik Erickson that although at our age our physical abilities may be declining, but our mental abilities continue to rise, which I'm truly enjoying by the way it's marked up, highlighted page marked with sticky notes, I highly recommend anyone that's listening that's interested in mentorship or learning more about mentorship to read it. Would you talk to us about how the mentorship work that we're doing with our grandchildren can be especially important for neurodivergent kids? Sure.

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I just want to make one quick and thank you for the introduction about the book and everything. I'm so glad that it's resonating. We're on an emotional journey, so our cognition may deploy declined. Mine often does. I have word finding problems. I'm in my 50s. It does not mean anything. But this is an emotional journey. And most people don't think of mentorship as emotional. They think of it as a transaction.

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The important thing when we're thinking about neurodivergent kids and neurodivergent adults, listen, the way I think about it is that we all learn not. No one learns the same. And so when we're approaching any person that we're looking at, we should never look at it like, I am going to now go mentor, and here's how I'm going to do it. You don't know how you're going to do it till you meet the person. You need to know, really, what is it that this person is needing from you?

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What is it that they want from you? How is it that you're going to be modeling for them in terms of how you're going to be mentoring? So in some cases, mentoring is modeling. In some cases, mentoring is that you really need to have a discussion with somebody about something, whatever it might be.

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And the other thing is, mentoring comes from the mentor.

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So we should not be trying to learn something to then impart it to the mentee. We are giving what we're already experts at. So when we're an expert at something, we don't have a problem with switching how we do it. So if I'm teaching somebody, you know, and I teach at a university level, I know that there are some kids and it doesn't matter how they're learning, what they're, if there's a label on them or not.

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Some people learn better from listening, some by reading notes, some by taking notes. You know, it depends on the student. Some are going to have a hard time with, you know, multiple choice questions.

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Everybody has a different thing. And I have to come at that from the point of view of how can I reach everyone with the same information. So when you're a mentor, you need to come at it with, I'm an expert. I need to translate this the best way possible to the person that I'm mentoring.

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So in the case of me as a teacher, I'm not a mentor, I'm a teacher. I come at it where I give notes that are exactly as I spoke the lecture so that a student can reread it later. I also provide a lot of video examples. If I give a test with multiple choice, I give the option for them to do extra credit, to write a paper if that's easier for them. These are the sorts of things that if we say you're only smart if you can do one thing, then that's not good. We need to say, can we get this to the finish line and how can we do this best?

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And mentoring is one of those things that an expert should be able to use a lot of different platforms in order to get that mentee to understand what their, what their expertise is. And I would imagine that personal connection and one on one experiences are much more effective with neurodivergent individuals. You know, it's funny because it can be and it doesn't have to be.

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So I've seen that people, and this is from the mentor project.

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Some people get really inspired by somebody in a group panel discussion. They just hadn't been, they hadn't known that that existed, that that was an option for them. And that's finally something that a lot of students are like, oh my gosh, this is outside of the school work that I'm learning, which is dry. I get to hear about somebody talking about something. So it can be now one on one. You know, that works for a lot of people. But it doesn't have to be that. It can be in a group setting. A lot of times it's lateral mentoring. If you are a student and you are young, it's oftentimes your peers who are going to help you out. I remember, for example, one time my son, he has ADHD and he forgot his pencil. And the, the teacher said, you're going to get a zero for getting your pencil. And anybody who has ADHD knows that you forget things. That's part of adhd. Does that have anything to do with your intellect? No.

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So his fellow classmates said, you know, he has adhd, you can't penalize him for that. And he stood up for him. Now, is that what we're seeing in that case is that our peers are the people that we trust and that we feel like we can be vulnerable around and they'll have our back and all of the things that go into good quality mentoring. So in the case of students, oftentimes they're going to get it from fellow students, Parents will get it from fellow parents. You know, these sorts of situations help us a lot and gives us more than just one person to rely on. One of the greatest things that we can do as mentors is to promote self esteem, support the social pressures that kids, kids face. Oh, absolutely. I mean, when you're a kid, just think about it. Developmentally, we're trying to figure out who we are and we have milestones that are placed upon us that are within school that we feel like we have to reach, you know, and do. In addition to finding out who is it, who am, who is it that I want to be, who am I now? Not just in terms of work or later things, but who do I think of myself as, what's my identity, what's my cultural value? All of these things we're trying on a ton of hats.

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Now you add to it that you say to somebody you're less than because you think differently. That is not good. So what we really need to do is back that up and move back a bit and say, listen, we're going to approach students as students, not as learning styles. What do you think are some of the essential skills that a mentee, the essential life skills that a mentee can develop with a mentor?

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So first of all, a mentee, this is a two way street. We all think that the mentor is going to be dumping out all of this information and the mentee is going to gobble it up. A lot of times mentees are like, I don't want what you're giving, especially young people, especially from older people. So what we have to do is understand that we have to know that mentees are going to take in what they want to take in. But the mentee needs to know you are carrying something very valuable from someone. This is not teaching you math.

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This is you are taking in something emotional, which is you are taking in a piece of this person and incorporating it into yourself. That changes that to a meaningful connection.

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The mentee's job is to be meaningfully connected to the person so that they understand that they aren't just grabbing from somebody, Somebody is giving them a gift and they are receiving that gift.

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That changes how a mentee feels. Because when you feel meaningfully connected to somebody, that's a lifeline for you. That's really a different case than if somebody just is handing out things to you. And so the mentee's job, really the only job of the mentee is to say, I will take everything I can handle from you and I will incorporate into myself. And so the mentor's job really is just like we would with a friend, is to see, oh, have I given them too much? Or, you know, where's the level where they can handle this amount that I'm giving them? And they develop that together, just like we do with friendships. And it's not too direct to ask a mentee what they are looking for in us as a mentor. Oh, no, we should be asking that. But mentorship is mentor driven. So if you pair somebody up and somebody says, I'm looking for painting skills and you put them with an astronaut, that's not. That may be great. Maybe the mentor says, I want to do this. We should really be looking at what does the mentor want to give. Otherwise it's a burden on the mentor. You know, that then they have to figure out something that they really haven't been wanting to give out. So. And that could be a surprise to many. It often is. How do you match mentees with mentors on the mentor project?

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So what we do, it's mentorproject.org you can go there, there are mentors there, and we list what they're good at and we even have words that show what their expertise is. Now, if you're a mentee, you may say, I don't know anything about, you know, any kind of astrophysics or comedy writing or whatever it is. I would like to learn that or learn what they do. That's good enough. We will connect you.

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Part of mentoring is learning the lay of the land with something. Now, if somebody also comes in and they say, I want something specific, I want to know quantum mechanics, well, then we can find a person that does that and say, this person is interested in mentoring on that. Then we find out. We always say, don't just pick one, pick several. Look outside of this narrow field that you're in and say to yourself, who might I want to learn from? And you do not have to have a specific question in mind. You don't have to say, tell me something that's very intimidating, especially to a mentee, where they feel like they have to come in and have prepared questions. It's just a dialogue. Tell me about what you do. And then you start asking questions as they. They start to. And I know in many situations you've had mentees that have come to a panel discussion and get lit up by a particular mentor that is in a field they might never ever thought of exploring. That's just how we all do it. You know, when I was Young. I did not know what a psychologist was. I went to visit my grandmother, who was like the most fun person on the planet. She was really the light of my life. And I went to visit her and she wasn't herself. So I said to somebody at the independent living facility, what's wrong with grandma?

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And they were like, well, we're going to fix her. She'll be fine. The next time you come, she's taking a medication that is causing her to be depressed. When I came back and found she was better, I was like, that's it done. I'm going to be a grandma fixer. I'm going to be a psychologist.

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Had I not met that person, had I not seen the. That I never would have even known what depression or psychology was. In the case of Irene Yakbus, she was going on to college, and right before she entered, she met someone who was talking on a panel about NASA, about space. She changed from a math major to engineering because of that one talk. And then she went on to work for NASA. Our mentees do the same thing. So we try to get them introduced to as many people as possible because it's often that unlikely pairing that leads to the most magic.

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Our lives can become so insular. Kids get exposed to people that have a lot in common with our families. Or we live in small towns or very rural communities like we are here. And you just don't get that exposure. Even more power to projects like the Mentor project for exposing us to those opportunities when we don't live in a big city where we might not be have that kind of exposure. Yeah, you know, we. No one knows what we don't know, you know, like, I don't know what. And it's off. You know, I can't tell you how many times I've even, like, tasted a new food. And I was. I've been missing this my whole life. Or. Yeah. And I'm like, what? It took me forever to find out. This is so cool and fun.

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And we're no different than kids. You know, young students don't know what they're missing until they finally get a hold of it. One of the positive advantages of the Internet.

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Yes. You know what? That is the silver lining of COVID because no one was really on Zoom the way they are now. Now schools are equipped with it all kinds of institutions, so we can connect everywhere we never could before, but there's. Nothing like personal connection. And that piece needs to get added into all the advantages that we can have access to with technology. Oh, I 100% agree with you. There are a couple of things, you know, that is even in healthcare. I'm so glad that we now have Zoom as a healthcare option, you know, for telehealth and those sorts of things. But I want to be seen the same case with mentoring. In some cases we can't. Somebody lives so far away and it's too financially difficult to meet up in person.

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But we should never rely on just one mentor or, you know, in any case, we should have multiple mentors. We should have a spider web of mentorship all around us from people everywhere and as many in person as possible. Yeah, I'm very excited about the developments here in the Flathead Valley and the people that are interested in being involved. And I'll keep our listeners updated on that and hopefully that might be an inspiration for other people. Any final thoughts, Deborah, for our listeners, on raising neurodivergent youth? Yeah, you know, I just want to say that we should all be approaching neurodivergent. Everyone is being neurodivergent. We really all are. We all think and learn differently. And if we look at ourselves anytime we're trying to impart information to somebody else, we should not be saying, this is how I learned, therefore I'm going to teach that way or, you know, give that way. Try to think of the other person, because that's really our goal is to make it land right.

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And I think that that will close the gap of the neurodivergent thinking and learning. Thanks, Deborah. I really encourage everyone to read the column in Psychology Today, the right side of 40 by Dr. Debra Heiser. Thanks for being on the show, Deborah. Thanks for having me and thanks for all you do. My pleasure. Thanks for joining us today for another episode of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Nurturing Through Adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. I hope you'll join us for our upcoming episode as we delve into the pressing issue of child trafficking and exploitation with Erin Williamson. She's the Chief Programs and Strategy Officer at Love146. With over 20 years of experience in social services and child protection, Erin has transformed the field with her trauma informed programs reaching thousands of vulnerable youth across the U.S. erin's dedication to social justice combined with her role as a parent and leading advocate provides her with unique insights into preventing child trafficking and supporting survivors. Her work at Love146, where she has developed comprehensive prevention, education and and survivor care programs, has impacted over 900 youth. In this episode, Erin will share her expertise on how to prevent child trafficking, the importance of trauma informed approaches in supporting survivors, and the critical role that each of us can play in combating exploitation. With a focus on practical strategies and community engagement, this is an episode you won't want to miss. Join us for a powerful conversation that will deepen your understanding of the challenges and triumphs in the fight against child trafficking and exploitation and discover how you can contribute to creating a safer world for children everywhere. Tune in to gain invaluable insights from a true leader in the field. Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, Nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom. Amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.