March 16, 2026
How to Engage Men in Kinship Care
Have you noticed the unequal load—both seen and unseen—that grandmothers often carry, while searching for ways to bring grandfathers more fully to the caregiving table? You’re not alone. The gender gap in kinship care is real and significant, often leaving women overwhelmed and resentful, while men struggle to find their place and purpose in the caregiving journey.
I’m Laura Brazan, and on "Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity," we get real about the deeply rooted neurobiology, social norms, and emotional dynamics that shape our family roles—especially in times of crisis. In this powerful episode, Dr. Anthony Silard, renowned researcher and author, helps us unpack the 750% disparity in household labor, the science behind why men and women approach caregiving differently, and—most importantly—how we can rewrite these scripts with compassion and creativity.
Together, we’ll explore actionable strategies to foster greater empathy, assertiveness, and active involvement from grandfathers, from creating men’s caregiving groups to launching fun, family-based competitions that root every member in connection and legacy. You’ll discover not just the challenges, but the life-changing social and emotional advantages of stepping up as a grandparent leader—regardless of gender.
Ready to build a more supportive, joyful, and resilient home? Join our thriving community of caregivers as we share candid stories, expert advice, and game-changing resources. Let’s transform resentment into teamwork and break the silence around caregiving inequality.
Read about the Invisible CEO Grand Challenge— and download your missi
You have blessed my life with your podcast and your devotion to all of us grandparents raising grandchildren. I would be lost if I hadn't found you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and may God bless you and you're sweet family always. - Jeanette Coffey
I recently started listening to your podcast on Amazon Music. I'm addicted! You have validated so many of my feelings associated with raising young kiddos at an older age. No one in our life really gets it. Our girls are not blood related as their mom was a friend of our daughter and we wanted to get them out of a shelter. 6 years later...thank you!
Thank you for tuning into today's episode. It's been a journey of shared stories, insights, and invaluable advice from the heart of a community that knows the beauty and challenges of raising grandchildren. Your presence and engagement mean the world to us and to grandparents everywhere stepping up in ways they never imagined.
Remember, you're not alone on this journey. For more resources, support, and stories, visit our website and follow us on our social media channels. If today's episode moved you, consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort and connection in our shared experiences.
We look forward to bringing more stories and expert advice your way next week. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.
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"Our path may be difficult, but our presence is unwavering. We are still here. Sending you peace." - Laura Brazan
00:00 - "Grandparents: Caregivers and Challenges"
00:00 - Loneliness and Men's Mental Health
06:18 - Gender, Work, and Cognitive Tendencies
08:39 - "Empathy: Gender and Social Norms"
10:29 - Loneliness and Men's Mental Health
18:22 - Mental Load, Resentment, Social Convoys
21:40 - "Differences in Perceptions of Dancing"
24:58 - "Pressure on Women Across Ages"
27:12 - "Women's Evolving Social Networks"
31:59 - Grandfather Caretaking Accountability Group
35:31 - Family Movie Night Discussion Idea
38:06 - Prioritize Self-Care for Caregivers
39:42 - "Redesigning Retirement Gender Roles"
44:48 - "Prioritize Love and Connection"
47:25 - "Parenting Insights with Melissa Schultz"
WEBVTT
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Why is it that when a family crisis hits, the grandmother holds the emotional motherboard together while the grandfather heads to the garage to fix a sink?
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Today in part two of our series with Dr.
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Anthony Sillard, we're looking at the neurobiology of the gender gap in caregiving.
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We are tackling the 750% disparity in household labor and most importantly, we're launching a national contest to fix it.
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Stay tuned to the end for the official kickoff of the Invisible CEO Grand Challenge.
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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Nurturing Through Adversity.
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In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren.
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As we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support, I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society.
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Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles.
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This podcast was made especially for you.
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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.
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I've stood in my kitchen so many times, feeling like I was speaking a completely different language than my husband.
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I was tracking the trauma triggers while he was focused on the objects of our life.
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I used to think that it was just us until I saw the data.
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This conversation with Tony helped me see that the resentment many of us feel is systematic.
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But today we move past the resentment and into a game-changing strategy to bring our partners back to the table.
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Welcome back, Tony.
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Hey, Laura, it's wonderful to be back.
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Myself as well.
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I've finished your book, and there's so many wonderful questions that our listeners are asking.
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Um, today I really am looking forward to talking to you about this topic.
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So let's let's imagine we're standing in the middle of our kitchens and we're speaking two different languages.
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So this happens in my household all the time.
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We see a grandmother who's holding the emotional motherboard together while granddad's out in the garage fixing his sink because he doesn't know how to fix the situation.
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Why is it that we as men and women pivot to these two different departments of leadership in the moment of a crisis?
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And how does that affect the home?
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Yeah, you always ask the best questions.
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There's a lot, there's a number of reasons.
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Let's start with some of the research on um how men tend to focus more on objects and women tend to focus more on people.
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So there's a lot of research on this.
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Literally, you can show uh you can show uh a boy and a girl infants at uh at at the age of two.
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You can show them pictures of faces and the girls pay more attention to the faces.
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You show pictures of of toy trucks and the boys pay more attention to the trucks than than do the girls.
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So some people have said, well, okay, but at two years old, they've already been socialized by their parents.
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Well, what those people don't realize is I said at the age of two.
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I didn't say years.
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It said the age of two days.
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You're already seeing these differences.
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And this has a lot of effects, of course.
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I think you can you can put a man in a job where he's really focused on how objects interact with each other.
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So it could be developing a manufacturing product, it could be software, and that guy can spend years just content doing that.
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Well, women, on the other hand, and of course, anything we're gonna say today about I'm gonna say about men and women, males, females, we have to keep in mind that this is based on averages, large national and international samples.
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We're looking at averages.
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So on average, the average guy is more interested in objects than the average woman is, and the average woman is more interested in people than the average guy is.
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But there are many people that don't fit these uh these norms.
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It's like a normal curve.
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And so it's not true for any individual.
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But but this is what we see when we run the numbers looking at large samples.
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This is how it how it plays out.
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So you get these situations where where men can be focused on how objects interact or how an object works and just spend tons of time on that and and be just fine.
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And women, on average, get really bored with that because part of this is because women tend tend to have a lot more what's called cross-hemispheric neuronic traffic.
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Let me explain that.
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There, they women tend to fire more neurons from one hemisphere of the brain into the other hemisphere.
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And they go, they go back and forth.
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Men's neuronic emissions tend to stay in one hemisphere.
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Really?
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So one of the so I'm working on a book on gender and how we develop relationships.
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And one thing I've found in a lot of the research is that men tend to have more cognitive focus than women, and women tend to have more cognitive flexibility.
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So if you look at occupations that involve people, psychology educators, social workers, and so forth, you know, 85, 90 plus percent women.
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If you look at occupations that are really focused on objects, whether, you know, like construction, plumbers, uh, you know, many sort of manual labor type jobs, these tend to be uh more men.
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And so there have been studies and and and ethnographic studies, for example, in Israel, there were studies on the on on a few kibbutzes where they said, you know, we don't we don't want men and women to be set, you know, like segregated this way, objects versus people.
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So we're going to we're going to put women in positions where they're doing construction and they're doing a lot of the work involving objects.
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And we're going to put men into roles of like early childhood educators and psychologists and so forth.
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And you know what?
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Within three months, they just go right back to what they're used to.
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It's really, it's really just interesting how that plays out.
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So, yeah, so you have the grandfather at home and he's he's fixing things, and the grandmother who's focused on relationships and everyone getting along.
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So this is this is uh very, very common.
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Aaron Powell Well, how do those gendered scripts trap us in our judgment about each other?
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How does that create resentment?
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You know, the old saying, you know, familiarity breeds contempt.
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I think familiarity also breeds children, right?
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And and so what often happens is we have children and we sometimes feel many negative emotions toward each toward each other.
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We're talking about like in a heterosexual relationship or marriage, because the other person's not more like we are.
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So, you know, we we don't see others as they are, we see others as we are, and that's a big mistake.
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We expect others to be the way we are.
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And I think also there's a lot of resentment because, and this I think is is is what sort of takes this issue and like blows it up and makes it extremely important, especially today, is that these gender differences influence how we approach our social relationships.
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For example, if women focus more on people, you would think that women more are more empathetic than men.
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Well, it turns out that if you look at the most extensive cross-cultural study of empathy across like 70 countries, there's not one country in the world where men are score higher in empathy than women.
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In almost all the countries, women score higher in empathy.
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Now, the interesting thing though is that again, we don't just see others as instead of as they are or as we are, we see ourselves as we expect ourselves to be based on societal norms.
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So part of the reason women exceed men in empathy is because they think they're expected to be empathetic, but it's not always true.
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In fact, there's a really interesting, and I think this is this is super funny, there's one way to erase the empathy gap between women and men.
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If you show women and men a video and you ask them, what emotions is the protagonist expressing?
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And women are gonna blow men out of the water, like in terms of, okay, yeah, she she's feeling sad, he's feeling disappointed, so on and so forth.
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Well, there's one way to erase the empathy gap, and it preys on one way that that men tend to excel more than women, and that's in being competitive.
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Men are extremely competitive, and and especially with other men.
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And so what you do is you make it a contest and with a prize, and you say, okay, I want you to to speculate which emotions um the is the protagonist expressing, and we're gonna have a winner and it's gonna receive like a$50 prize.
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Now all of a sudden, there's no difference in in the in the uh empathy scoring.
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Uh so it's interesting.
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I I think a lot of guys are more empathetic than we give them credit for, but they just kind of it just becomes like a latent ability that they don't really practice.
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But I think what, you know, going back to social relationships, this is extremely important now because I think, you know, we're we're seeing men just really being kind of decimated by women in terms of social relationships.
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And if you look at loneliness, loneliness in especially in older men is so much higher than it is in women.
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And this is really causing problems.
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So the the most significant cause of death of men 45 and older in the UK today is suicide.
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And we're seeing also in the US and around the world these deaths of despair, especially in older men.
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And one very interesting study found that if you take a 60-year-old woman and a 60-year-old man, and each of them loses their spouse, the chances of that woman living another year are much higher than that man living another year.
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Why is that?
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Okay, for the woman, her 60-year-old woman, her spouse passes away.
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This is so sad, this is so tragic.
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She's distraught.
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And then, okay, what am I gonna do?
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Friends, right?
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She's gonna call her friends, she's gonna get support.
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The guy who's 60 and his wife passes away.
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Well, all of a sudden, he's like, okay, this is tragic, this is sad, what am I gonna do?
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There are no friends.
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You see, the wife has her friends, the husband has his wife's friends' husbands, and that's something different.
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He's got his wife's friends, husbands, that he really never felt he had much in common with, but felt like this is, you know, this is the easiest way to have a social life.
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And so let's all we'll go out with couples, we'll go out if they have kids, we'll we'll have them over and go to the go barbecue at their place.
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But he never felt that close to that guy.
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And he never wanted to make the investment in a lot of those really close friends he had when he was growing up.
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You see, a lot of men experience, I don't know if you've ever heard of the musical cliff or the artistic cliff, which is like once we get through high school and college, if you're playing, you know, you've been taking piano lessons or you play guitar or you're really into painting, that just goes right over a cliff for guys.
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It's like after that, it's like, okay, it's work and family, and that's it.
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You see, you see, you see, only prioritize what I call the four priors.
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The four PRs are to procreate, produce, provide, and protect.
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Men focus almost 100% of their energy to procreate, produce, provide, and protect.
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So it's all work and family.
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And they attach their worth to their work.
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Within that equation, there's nothing there about friends.
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There's nothing there about hobbies.
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It's just all about out-compete other guys at work and whatever women are there and spend time with your family.
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And it tends to be more on work and less on family.
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Well, what is the solution then for us to rebalance this load that we have as grandparents and grandmothers and grandfathers, men and women, to get over triggering the defensive mode or or or defensive scripts so that we can accomplish what it is that we're trying to do for our grandchildren to I mean, women are bearing the load much more than men when it comes to caretaking for their grandchildren for their children.
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Is that is that what you're referring to?
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Aaron Powell And I I think that's a that's an obvious reality.
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I would tell you that 99% of our listeners are grandmothers.
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And there is resentment about the fact that they are carrying that load.
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It feels even greater when you're in your 60s than it does when you're younger.
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I know that with younger generations, this load is becoming a little more balanced in many relationships, but what can we do as grandmothers to balance the mental load for ourselves?
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Okay.
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Once again, wonderful question, Laura.
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Thank you.
00:16:06.819 --> 00:16:16.579
So I want to share with your listeners a negative and a positive about the really Herculean load that grandmothers bear much more than grandfathers.
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Okay.
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So, first of all, let's let's start with a negative.
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We usually like to start with a positive, but but here the negative is so much more obvious.
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So actually, it's not true that this is getting a lot better.
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Let's first look at that.
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So a Pew Research Center study with American couples, married couples, what they did was it was a time-use study.
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So they looked at how much time the wife versus the husband was spending on different kinds of activities.
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And so they looked at um housework and childcare as two of these activities.
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So housework and childcare is like the explicit cognitive load of caretaking.
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So these are, these are, these are, this is not the invisible one.
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So the invisible, we'll get to that in a moment.
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But the the visible, explicit cognitive load, housework and childcare, what they found is that if you take a fully employed woman and her unemployed husband, he's not working at all.
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She's out at work all day, he's at unemployed at home.
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So the first question is well, is he doing more housework and childcare than she is?
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So actually he is six hours more per week.
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So he's at home all day, she's at work all day, he's doing six hours more of housework and childcare combined than she is.
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Now let's switch roles.
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Now we've got a fully employed husband and an unemployed wife.
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Well, how many more hours of housework and childcare is she doing per week?
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46 hours more per week.
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This is a 750% difference.
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So we are not out of the dark ages whatsoever of gender discrimination, of gender inequality.
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It's still just just as it always was.
00:17:54.659 --> 00:18:02.819
I think we just now, because of all the news about, you know, and the interest in like gender fluidity, it's really common in our discussions.
00:18:02.900 --> 00:18:10.019
But if you actually look at who's doing the work, it's still almost all of it at the home in the home is done by women.
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So that's the visible cognitive load.
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The invisible cognitive load is not even counted there.
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That's like the mental load of keeping track of doctor's appointments and making sure the kids have food before they go to school, play dates, sports events, all the other, making sure that they have clothes to wear.
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All of this is almost all done by women.
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So this creates a lot of resentment.
00:18:34.579 --> 00:18:42.980
And I think one of the first things men needs need to do is to step up in terms of in terms of both the visible and the invisible cognitive load.
00:18:43.139 --> 00:18:46.740
But before we go there, let's talk about the positive side of this.
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So is there anything good in this for grandmothers?
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Right?
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That's the million that's the million-dollar question, isn't it?
00:18:53.380 --> 00:18:57.380
Well, let's look at Antonella's research on social convoys.
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As you guys all know, a convoy is like a group of vehicles traveling together, right?
00:19:03.380 --> 00:19:04.660
That's a physical convoy.
00:19:04.900 --> 00:19:10.740
A social convoy is the close relationships that travel with you through life.
00:19:10.900 --> 00:19:13.619
Okay, so a social convoy is a wonderful thing to have.
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If you have a strong, robust, meaningful social convoy, you have a group of people who count on you and who depend on you and who care about you.
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They care where you are.
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We all want people to care where we are.
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That's that's one of the greatest ways to kind of keep loneliness at bay.
00:19:32.099 --> 00:19:38.660
Well, so if we look at this, women's social convoys blow men's social convoys out of the water.
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That's why you have these deaths of despair.
00:19:41.460 --> 00:19:46.740
That's why you have this astronomical levels of loneliness for older men, but not older women.
00:19:46.980 --> 00:19:52.740
So we're seeing a situation where, even, for example, let's suppose that a couple gets divorced.
00:19:52.899 --> 00:19:58.339
Let's look at the social convoys of the children as the children become adults and the couple becomes grandparents.
00:19:58.500 --> 00:20:04.899
Women are almost always a very strong presence in the social convoys of their adult children.
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Men, it's hit or miss.
00:20:06.660 --> 00:20:10.660
After divorce, sometimes they're still in the social convoys, sometimes they're not.
00:20:11.539 --> 00:20:15.139
Let's look at also like how women develop relationships versus men.
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Let me give you a personal example.
00:20:16.420 --> 00:20:19.460
I think that's why men get bored when they get retired when they're retired.
00:20:20.259 --> 00:20:20.660
Oh, yeah.
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Because look at the look at the four PRs, right?
00:20:24.019 --> 00:20:26.500
To procreate, okay, well, they've already procreated, that's done.
00:20:26.579 --> 00:20:29.539
They're not going to procreate again, likely, once they're grandparents, right?
00:20:29.700 --> 00:20:32.899
So there's to produce, to provide and protect.
00:20:33.139 --> 00:20:36.819
Well, to produce, if you're not working, you're not producing as much as you were before.
00:20:37.139 --> 00:20:43.059
To provide and protect, if your grown children are providing and protecting for themselves, which is the whole plan, right?
00:20:43.220 --> 00:20:48.339
Once they leave the house, that they become self-self, you know, economically, then what's left to do?
00:20:48.500 --> 00:20:52.980
And so you see, like, for example, I think it was, I think it was, uh I forget the name.
00:20:53.059 --> 00:20:55.460
I think I want to say George Eastman, but I may have it wrong.
00:20:55.539 --> 00:21:02.339
Uh, but it was the former uh CEO of of uh Kodak, or it was Kodak or Polaroid.
00:21:02.420 --> 00:21:07.700
I don't want to mess this up completely, but it was very high-level CEO, I think, of one of the photography companies.
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Pretty much once he retired, he committed suicide a few weeks later.
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His suicide said, My work is done, why wait?
00:21:17.059 --> 00:21:18.339
And this is really sad.
00:21:18.500 --> 00:21:20.740
This is this is just depressing.
00:21:20.899 --> 00:21:28.259
That for a lot of men, if they're not working, if they're not providing, then and they're not producing, well, what is there?
00:21:28.420 --> 00:21:31.139
So let me to see how men and women see the world differently.
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Let's take a couple that's out on a date, okay, and they're going dancing.
00:21:34.980 --> 00:21:37.700
So remember, men's focus, the four priars, right?
00:21:37.859 --> 00:21:44.019
So for the woman, they're out dancing, and and you ask her, how did you, how do you see this dancing with your partner?
00:21:44.579 --> 00:21:49.539
And and she might say, you know, it's a really beautiful activity we do together.
00:21:49.619 --> 00:21:51.379
It's really so graceful.
00:21:51.619 --> 00:21:57.379
And we're really, we're just showing our community that we care for each other and what we are as a couple.
00:21:57.539 --> 00:21:59.299
I think it's just really something beautiful.
00:21:59.619 --> 00:22:02.899
You ask the guy, hey, so how do you, how do you perceive this dancing?
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How does it, how does it feel for you?
00:22:04.500 --> 00:22:06.899
And the guy says, you know, I just don't get it.
00:22:07.059 --> 00:22:09.700
If we're gonna have sex later anyway, why do we have to do this?
00:22:09.859 --> 00:22:10.019
Yeah.
00:22:10.180 --> 00:22:17.619
You know, so these are of course, of course, again, not all women or men are like this, but I think there's a huge differences here.
00:22:17.859 --> 00:22:32.420
And we we have to find ways, especially for men, to really man up and knowing that being a man, being masculine today, look, you know, your physical strength's not as important as it used to be in our new sort of technologically mediated society.
00:22:32.740 --> 00:22:33.139
Right.
00:22:33.379 --> 00:22:47.299
So for men, it's it's these socio-emotional abilities that it's either learn them or you end up hanging out with your wife, with your with your wife's friends' husbands, not having much in common and just becoming lonely, right?
00:22:47.460 --> 00:22:57.779
So a lot of it too is that for men it's it's hard because if you're a guy and you go up to another guy and you're like, hey man, let's, you know, I enjoyed talking with you, let's go grab lunch sometime.
00:22:57.940 --> 00:23:00.180
Well, if you do that as a woman, it's just natural.
00:23:00.259 --> 00:23:01.299
It's like, okay, sure.
00:23:01.379 --> 00:23:04.420
You know, if for for guys, it's like, oh, okay, what does this guy want?
00:23:04.579 --> 00:23:06.660
Is he is he weak, pendant?
00:23:06.899 --> 00:23:09.379
Is he things are not going well for him in his life?
00:23:09.460 --> 00:23:10.660
That's why he's asking me.
00:23:10.899 --> 00:23:12.500
Or um, is he is he gay?
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Is that why he wants to get together with me?
00:23:14.500 --> 00:23:23.379
So a lot of a lot of men have this natural resistance to other men's social overtures because it doesn't really fit the competitive male model.
00:23:23.539 --> 00:23:28.099
So it's like if you if you're doing so well, why would you ask another guy to go out and do something socially?
00:23:28.259 --> 00:23:29.539
So we need we need to get over that.
00:23:29.619 --> 00:23:31.460
Let me just give you this one example and then I'll stop on this.
00:23:31.619 --> 00:23:36.899
But so when I was living in California, I formed a men's group with this other friend of mine.
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