From Foster to Adopt

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At 64, my husband Tom and I were looking at a quiet retirement in a remote Corner of Montana. Two years later, we're 68, living in Louisiana and facing the reality that our temporary rescue mission has become a lifelong commitment. When you're nearly 70, the decision to adopt two young children involves a lot. It's about legacy health, health and a radical kind of creativity.

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Today's guest, Rachel Fulginitti, spent a decade in the fire of the foster to adopt system. When is it the right time to adopt takes a warrior heart required to parent when you're older, tired, and the system is broken.

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And why the most natural solution to a societal crisis is often found outside the traditional box.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents Raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of childrearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the. Course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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I was looking back at my journal from the month we realized that this wasn't going to be a temporary situation with the children I wrote. There was a time when I wasn't sure if choosing to adopt was the right choice for the children or for us.

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We built a life for two retirees in the mountains, not for two traumatized children in the suburbs. I'm 64 and I'm mourning the quiet mornings. I thought I earned, but sometimes you have to do the right thing and change the course, even when the wind is against you. My guest today, Rachel, knows that uprooted feeling. She spent years navigating the heartbreak of infertility and the dysfunction of CPS to find her warrior children. We're talking about the strategy of the stay and how to build a tribal village when you can't get down on your knees to play anymore. Hi, Rachel. It's so nice to have you on the show.

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Hi. Thank you for having me. I was so excited to connect with you because as I've had my grandchildren for almost four years now and early on in the process, when we got the children from Child Protective Services and stepped in when their parents weren't able to take care of them, we thought this was going to be a temporary situation and it didn't end up being that. And now, almost four years later, we still have the children.

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Their father is not in their life at all and their mother has seen the children now twice. It's just been in the last month that she's been able to see the children. And we're very excited about that. But when we realized about two years ago that this was probably going to be a more permanent, possibly lifelong situation, we went through all kinds of stuff emotionally, as any person in this situation would do. We didn't know if we could handle it at our age. We're both 68 years old, the children are almost 7 and 10.

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And we didn't know if it was the best thing for the children because we knew we weren't young anymore.

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We knew that it's difficult to be around young, noisy children when you're our age. We're a little less tolerant of things than we were when we were younger. And so we began talking about should we adopt the children first. We approached the rest of our family and there was no one that was willing to take them on at the time.

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I started thinking, well, what would be this perfect situation? The perfect situation would be a foster to possible adopt situation where we could co parent with another family or families to help provide a more natural home life for the children.

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And then maybe, possibly when we were too old to take care of them or if one of us got sick, we wouldn't suddenly have to put them into an estranged family and we could develop a relationship that might become an adoption situation. Let's talk about why they this is such an unnatural situation for many people to consider, but such a natural solution to a problem that's happening in our society today where there are children that need healthy families and there are not enough healthy families to adopt them. It's very, very true that. Thank you for having me on. First of all, just to mention what you were talking about, we used to parent in community. We were tribal people, right? Like back in the day, it wasn't just the mother and father that took care of the kids, it was the whole village.

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And so I absolutely agree. I think that was actually a really interesting solution that you came up with. I'm actually wondering if you ever. Did you bring that up to Child Protective Services or. Because I can see how they might just be like, whoa, Whoa, whoa.

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Because it's out of the box. And of course, yeah, with cps, you have to be in the box. You just have to. In Texas, where we got the children, the system is overloaded with children that need safe homes. And so basically, they said, we just want to know these kids are safe. And when they are, I want you to know you'll probably never hear from us again. Because, yeah, they said, your case. And I'll tell you, if you go back and listen to the first few episodes of my show, I talk about the condition in which we found the children. It was horrific. I had no idea that this was going on in this country, but they told me mine was one of the better situations. They said, we have cases. We really are need to pay attention to you. You look like nice people. We checked your background. You're their grandparents. You can take them in the state of Texas. So see you later. That was it. Wow.

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Mm. That's wild. Yeah. Of course, there are the benefits of staying with biological family, and that's a proven thing. So that is.

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That's wonderful for the children in that way that they know where they come from, that they know their biological family. It doesn't always work out that it can be like that. And there are a lot of sort of quote, unquote, controversial things about the foster to adopt process. I have an African American son. That's controversial. A lot of people don't like that, and I understand where that's coming from. A child needs to have representation, and they need to be in touch with their culture, and they need examples of, you know, they need relationships and friendships and people in authority that are the same race as them. And I get that. My husband and I work really, really hard to make that happen and to make sure that he's in those environments. And that's a conscious decision on our part. I would say for your listener and for what your situation is, it was a conscious decision on your part to go ahead and do this adoption, even though the circumstances weren't perfect. And I think that's what we're talking about.

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Anytime we're talking about foster to adopt or foster care, there is never going to be like a perfect situation.

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It's a trauma situation. It's something painful that happened, and we need to look for the best solution. And it's not always going to be ideal. It is difficult to be that old and to be parents of young children. My children, I just turned 54, and my children are 4 and 9. And so it's a lot, you Know, I'm dealing with menopause, but I'm also dealing with a four year old. So it's like a lot. Not ideal.

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It's not ideal, but. But it's the decision that we made. It was the universe's timing. I mean, we had been trying to get pregnant, as you mentioned in intro. We went through infertility for years and we started this back in 2010. I think we started first trying to build our family and it was only complete two years ago, you know, so that's an awful time and a lot of things that we had to go through. God bless you for being patient to get through that. Yeah, it's. It's like, you know, is it perfect? No, it's not perfect, but it's, it is perfect for our family because this is what is. And we'll deal with the roadblocks as they come. We're going to be getting older too, as, as they get older. But like, one thing for me, and I'm sure you're probably doing this too, my husband and I are making sure that we're really, really in good health.

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It's so important to us now, not just from a standpoint of, oh, I want to be in good health, like for myself. I need to be able to be there for these children, for my children.

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And so that means taking the very of myself that I can do. It means strength training. So I can, you know, have the energy to do these things. Dealing with my mental health and, well, being, learning how to relax, you know, all of that stuff. So in a way, it's making it better. It's making me a better person for having. Oh, absolutely. I think that's a beautiful part of the process is things become very critical when you realize that someone else's health and wellness depends upon you. Yeah. And. And it's different when you're young. You take so much for granted when you're older and you're doing this. I think I've got to learn about neurodiversity. Yes. I've got to learn about how to communicate with these children, about.

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I can't assume that this is the way.

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I remember early on thinking I've got to do it the way I did it when I was young. I got to get down on my hands and knees and crawl and do all those fun things. But I realize, no, I can communicate with them, that I can't do this because I have arthritis in my knees. And, you know. Yeah, yeah. But it is. And it's also, as, you know, getting Back to what you were saying before. It's also like, there's a bit of creativity that. That can go into this in terms of, okay, I can't get down on my knees and do this and play for three hours with them running around. Who can.

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Who in my community, in my circle can do that? You know, we've found a lot of babysitters that older high school, like, junior senior in high school and then college age. And they're so great because they have so much energy and the kids don't drive them crazy the way they drive us crazy. And. Yeah, yeah. We have, like a roster of these young girls that are just awesome and they have so much energy and they play with them, and it's just fantastic. So it's like I don't have to do every single thing.

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I don't have to fulfill every role. I just need to make sure that we have coverage. We actually relocated recently. It took me two years to really accept that this was something that we needed to do. We relocated to be in the middle of my husband's very large family.

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Went from Montana to Louisiana, which everybody.

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You're supposed to go the other way around. I said, well, you have to understand this was a creative decision that we thought was best for us and for the children, because now they're being raised amongst their cousins and their aunts and their uncles so that if something does happen to us, they have this extended family around them.

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My children still live in Montana, so we created a situation that allows them to come to a place they can vacation and have fun, and I travel back up there. But it was part of figuring out our finances differently. As you said, it's creative thinking and what is best for the moment. And letting go of expectations. Yeah. And solving problem solving. And letting go of personal wants and needs for what is best for the greater good.

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Yeah, yeah. It's true. It is true. And letting go of that. Of how it should be or how you.

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Yes. Should be, because that will only just drive you crazy. Like, you'll always be in your head thinking, well, it shouldn't be like this. It should be right. No, it's like this. This is a better way to live. This is what is. So let's deal with that.

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You know what? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

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Absolutely. I believe that. I do believe that. But that kind of thinking is what we all need in our families.

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Yes. I need more in our lives. Yeah.

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Personally, how do your other children, your adult children, relate to your now little children?

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They relate well. They love them. They've been wonderfully understanding about me having to share them as a mother.

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And they. What I think is neat that's come out of it is that we, we found creative solutions to keeping our family connected by face timing.

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We play games. I order crafty kits that my other grandkids and these grandkids can do with them. Oh, that's fun. And so we do them over FaceTime.

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So it's working? It's working. Well, yeah, it's. Yeah, it's transitioning, you know, because we just did this six months ago, so. So it's pretty new. Still learning? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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There's a steep learning curve there. And I also want to say moving at an older age, just moving, forget about even kids being in this scenario. My husband and I just moved two years ago back to where I'm from in New York, upstate New York. We had been in LA for 20 years, but we did a similar thing that you did. We thought, well, we have no family out here whatsoever, and out in New York, we have cousins and, you know, the kids will have cousins and family and they'll know the extended family. And that was so, so important. And that's why we made that move. But I have to resonate with you. That, boy, was that difficult. Like, yeah, boy, was it hard. It's taken me two years. It's just two years this month that we moved to just be able to have my roots down and to be able to be like, okay, I'm not in survival mode anymore. I'm starting to get into, like, I can be in. To a different stage, like a thrive, you know, hopefully heading towards thriving. But yeah, for a while it was just survival.

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Which brings up the issue that there are hard things that we have to do, but we also have to know when it's not okay to do them. Yeah. Which is why, speaking about adopting to foster, let's talk more about that because that is a difficult topic. It. It's. It's a difficult consideration for you. Let's go back to the process.

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Sure. That made you look into the foster to adopt situation. Sure.

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And you had, you had no control over what was going on. And as you said, it took years and years for this process to actually come about.

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And you were a successful voice actor when you started this process.

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A person who is very much in control of your life, and then suddenly you had no control over something that you wanted very, very much.

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The emotional volatility of coming into the foster care system must have been very traumatic. What Allowed you to shift from wanting a child, knowing that this was the avenue that was. That you were going to stick with, and then going through the long process before it actually happened. Yeah.

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Talk to us a little bit about what that loss of control was like, what the shift was that had to happen, and how you came through that wall. Yeah. So many great topics in there. There's so much. Yeah. The loss of control was very, very difficult. As you mentioned, I had been a career woman.

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I had fought really hard to have a life in the arts and to be working in my chosen profession.

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And it took a really long time. I started as an actor, and then I ended up finding V and audiobooks. And then that took a really long time to build and become established. And right when my career was starting to really crest, it was this biological thing of, like, wow, oh, if we're gonna have kids, like, we should probably do that, like, sooner than later. How old were you then? I was in. I was approaching 40, so I was, like, in my late 30s. And at first, my husband and I were just like, okay, we'll just stop using protection, see what happens. And then that went on for a year. Nothing happened.

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And then we're getting into a year and a half. We're like, okay, there's something going on. And oddly enough, I always had this weird sinking suspicion or feeling in the back of my mind or in my heart space or something that there was something about it that was not going to happen. Or I just had this weird thing and.

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But I pursued it. And I pursued it like I pursued everything else in my life. So I went insane doing all of the things and taking my temperature every morning and, you know, changing my diet, doing. I did everything, and it didn't work. Nothing. This was the one thing that I could not make happen. I could, like, set my mind to something and achieve it, but with this, it wasn't like that. It just wasn't happening. So the first thing was just a reckoning with, you know, God's plan versus my plan. You know, the universe. You can call it God, you can call it the universe. It's all the same thing to me. But I had to really get with again what we were talking about before. This is what's happening. It's not like what I wanted to have happen. It's not what I thought should happen. This is what's happening. We're not able to have children biologically because what ended up happening is I lost a fallopian tube in a heterotopic pregnancy. And then they recommended strongly that the only way I would get pregnant was to do, have a surgery, have them take my other fallopian tube, which they felt was unviable anyway, and then do ivf. And so we did that again, sort of a little bit against my better judgment. I never wanted to do ivf, but I got so caught up in the whole thing and I just was like, okay, maybe this is it. Like, maybe. Even though I never thought I should do ivf, like, I'm going to do this and then I'm going to get pregnant and then I'm going to, you know. No, why it all happened this way and blah, blah, blah. And that's. That's not how it happened. And, you know, it's. It's funny because you hear a lot about the success stories of ivf. You. You don't hear too much about, like, all of the unsuccessful IVF attempts that people have gone through. So, yeah, so it was starting with that reckoning of life on life's terms. This is not how I saw my life happening, but this is the reality. And then what ended up happening is after two failed IVFs, we were in debt, like, severe debt. And we had worked really hard. Both of us were creatives, my husband and I, creatives, and had worked really hard to clean up our credit earlier when we first met and like to become debt free and to. And all of a sudden here we are drowning in all this debt again.

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And this isn't. It's just. Just not. We don't want to do it this way. We don't. We don't want to do it this way.

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And we had looked into regular adoption, either international adoption or domestic adoption, like open adoption. But those are both costly options. An adoption through a lawyer, another costly option. So for us, we really came to fostering because we were like, this is the only way that we can realistically do this. We don't have any money.

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And so it's either this or. And you didn't give up, and we. Didn'T give up because I guess you. Knew in your heart of hearts this was. I kept having this voice, kept saying, there is a child meant to be in your family like you. Wow. You are meant to be a mom. Like, you can, you know, and it might not happen the way you thought it was. Maybe there's a child who's already here that you were meant to have in your family.

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So, yeah, I did a lot of personal work and even going into fostering, as you were mentioning before. The first thing is, like, understanding that what you're about to interface with and get involved with is a very, very dysfunctional system. It's a little bit broken. It's a lot broken in a lot of instances. Yes, I found that out. And so I had the benefit of being in Al Anon for years and years for before this all happened. For anyone who is just doesn't know what it is. It's for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts. And so I had a lot of these lovely people in my life that, you know, I seem to have so many and I love them dearly. But yes, I had a lot of that in my life.

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So I found Al Anon and it truly gave me a new way of dealing with difficult situations, people, places and things. So when I went into the foster care system, I was like, you're going in to interface with an alcoholic, basically, let's just call it that. So I had to work. That's an interesting way of putting around there. I just had to really work a program all the time. Like, wow, keep my own side of the seat street clean. Don't get sucked into the drama. Don't get sucked into things you can't control. Just control on your own side. All of those principles that I learned and worked really hard in served me so, so well going through this. I don't know that I could have gone through it otherwise, because prior to Al Anon, I was emotionally unsober. I mean, I was just as sick, they say, as the alcoholic or the addict.

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But mine was emotional. And so learning how to be emotionally sober. And then the master class for me throughout the fostering process was practicing being in the moment, not jumping ahead and going into the what ifs. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if she's taken away? You know, just being where I am right now, present moment. Because right now we're together.

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And that's was my mantra was just like, right now we're together. So just be there because anything could happen, you know, anything. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, knock on wood. But you know, I think that concept. I too, I believe in the universal Christ.

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I know that I need a higher power. I depend every day upon it. And when I came into this situation, thank God I had that, because I came have and still do every day come up against walls that I never knew I had. But if I didn't have that grounding point, because I get pulled in a million different directions by their par. Dysfunctionalness. Yes, the kids dysfunctionalness. I have one Grandchild whose mother used meth in utero. So she's got a brain disorder.

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Yes, agree. I would not have been able to get through the process. It was two and a half years to adopt my, my daughter. And as I said, we went into the situation exhausted already, you know, from all of the years of fertility and miscarriages and IVF and all this stuff. So we were already exhausted when we got there. Two and a half years of not knowing. And then we took a break and then we decided to do it again. And that was a two year process for my son. So, yeah, by the time we. So we adopted him in the spring of 23 and then we had wanted to move out of LA. So then we, by July 1st of that year, we had moved back here to New York. So I am coming off of just years and years of being under tremendous stress and pressure. Pressure which I'm only really realizing right now. You know, not right now, but like within the last couple of weeks. I'm like, wow, it's been a time for over a decade that we've been doing this. So your biggest mind shift change, you would say, was just being in the moment.

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It was, it was like Zen and the art of being present. And you know what I realized? I mean, I realized that it wasn't just here that I needed this. It was like in my entire life I would be living in the past or the future a lot. Catastrophizing the future or lamenting the past or, you know, victim consciousness or whatever it was. I mean, I had to get over that too. Like, this is happening to me. You know, it was like, it's not happening to you. You are just, you are in this, you've agreed to participate in this process and this is what is just happening.

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You know, this is something that I think every grandparent that is raising a child must face.

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Because if you think you're doing it just because you're their grandparents, which is why I ask people, let's say this, for many grandparents that are legal guardians, the hardest realization is admitting that they can't offer permanency due to their own age or health. So how can a grandparent make peace with the idea that the most loving choice might be finding a child a forever family?

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Yeah, I think that that's a decision that doesn't happen overnight. So that's the first thing. There is like sort of an emergency element to this. Right. Because the child needs care.

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But first I just want to say you can take the child in and then you don't have to decide about permanency right away. It's like, which is what we did right? The child is safe. Child or children are safe. And you need to get your bearings. Life just changed dramatically for you in many, many ways and probably doesn't look at all like you thought it was going to look at this age. So that's the, the first thing is don't force yourself into a decision right away. I think it takes soul searching. I think if you do have a connection with a higher power, I think that can be the most important thing is like turn this over to your higher power. What, what should I do? What would you have me do? God, or however you want to. You don't have to call it God if you don't believe in God. But what would, what would the universe have me do? What is in everyone's highest and best? I love that I ask that. A lot of my spiritual guides is like what is in the highest and best for all? And that's how I truly went through my. The whole fostering thing.

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Please let us be a forever family if that is what's in the highest and best for us and for this child.

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So important. So I think that's a good question to ask.

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Another thing is I think a lot of people don't realize that they can be involved without becoming the legal guardian without adopting. You can request that you stay involved and that you would like visitations and that you would like to be involved in this child's life. Now ultimately, whomever does the adopting, it's once the adoption is finalized, it's going to be there decision really whether that's going to happen or not. But I think you can.

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Absolutely. And I've had on my podcast, I've had people who have consciously built and fostered these relationships and are still in touch with the biological family. And it's a beautiful thing. It's wonderful for everyone. It's wonderful for the grandparents, it's wonderful for the children.

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It's just more love, more family, more support.

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And so I would highly recommend that if you do decide that you can't do it permanently, that you really try to put it out there both to your spiritual guides as well as CPS and on the ground. I really want to be involved. I want to stay within this child's life. And can we be matched up with somebody who's willing to do that, you know? Yes. And I'll tell you, we were not given that kind of advice when we walked into cps. They didn't say Here are all your options. Right.

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They were just concerned about the kids. But what I found later on was that if we had not just taken the kids, picked them up the next day, that we also would have had. We could have gone through a foster to adopt situation and we would have had financial help. Huge. Yes. Nobody told us that. I find it unbelievable that nobody that they didn't like, because I'm thinking California, because that's where I fostered to adopt my children. And I'm pretty sure that it would automatically go through.

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You know, you would need to get certified and you would need to become a foster home. But it wasn't that way in Montana. It sounds like.

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Well, this was Texas. Oh, this was Texas. Right. But every state is different, and that's why it's really important for listeners that this. Well, unfortunately, people are listening to this show after they've gotten the children.

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But if you know anyone that comes up against this, that asking those questions in every state that you're in is important. Yes.

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In some situation, some states, grandparents don't have the same rights as other states do. But if we'd thought to think that maybe we wouldn't get financial help unless we let them go through the system. Yes, they could have. Even if they'd been in there for a week and we'd taken them out or they'd gone for a day, once they go into the system, then if you legally take them out of the system and become their guardians, you automatically get financial help. Yeah. So there's lots of questions to ask, which is why it's important to talk to someone like yourself or me or somebody that is not part of the system. Because I found, as much as I love things about systems that work, as you said, the system is not very functional, unfortunately. So asking people that have gone through this before and getting that kind of advice will give you all the little details. For instance, we needed legal help. We wanted to be able to take them to doctors and schools, but we didn't want to permanently adopt them right away. So we needed the legal advice to help give us that status to be able to do that. And we couldn't afford it.

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Yeah. So we were able to get free legal advice through people that would help, but the system didn't give us that information. I had to do research. I had to talk to people that had been through this before, unfortunately. So I really do give that advice. For people that are even considering any kind of informal guardianship or formal guardianship, as you said, there are situations in which we can Keep our grandparent bond and request to have that.

00:35:46.169 --> 00:37:53.720
I wouldn't have known any of that if I hadn't run across someone like yourself. I'm so glad you highlighted that and I'm so glad you're doing the podcast for this very reason. Because people don't know and Child Protective Services, wherever you are, they're taxed, they're underpaid, they're overworked, and as you said, their main priority is is this child safe. Keeping the children safe. That is what they have to focus on. And so they don't go that extra mile. I would even take it one step further is absolutely ask these questions. Also keep in mind because of what I just said about them being overtaxed, overworked, overburdened. I really, really, anytime I was interacting with someone from the county, I really just tried to bring my best self to that interaction. I really tried to send love and light to them. I know it sounds maybe a little woo woo or whatever, but it was like, I just was like, I have to, I want to just shower them with love and light. Their job is hard. I'm in a hard situation too. But I'm going to try to be my best self. I'm going to try to be welcoming, friendly, you know, because they deal with a lot of negative negativity and negative situations and horrible situations. So if you can be the light in that person's day, if you can be just a nice human, then they're gonna be. It might take a while. It does take a while. They don't right away, they don't open up right away. But like after a while, like you can feel them loosen up around you. They're kind of happy to visit you, they're happy to be around you. Well, I believe that in all aspects of what we're doing in interrelating with families that are going through difficult issues, you're talking about a really broken segment of our society. In my situation, we're trying to change generational issues. And I hear a lot of anger. I know it makes me angry to see what has been done to my grandchildren.

00:37:54.039 --> 00:40:54.539
It. It's like seeing the Holocaust. It's like living through the Holocaust and seeing what happened and not having it affect you. But it affects me all the time. And that's why I'm sharing some of my raw journal entries on the show is that we think some of the most awful things. And what I choose to have come out of my mouth is something I have to think about sometimes because ultimately I want to Heal. That's my goal, is to see these innocent children who deserve to grow up with love and not have to have these broken motherboards they're trying to function with. I want to see less of that happen in the world. So the people that are dealing with the Holocaust out there, it's a nasty situation. So I think it's important. I'm glad you brought that up. Yeah. And I'll also add to that, that I think going into it, another thing that listeners need to be aware of is that these children are coming with trauma, regardless of what their situation is. Even with my children, I brought one home at three and a half weeks old, the other one at three days, and they still sustained trauma. They sustained trauma in utero. They sustained the trauma of being ripped from their birth mother, they sustained the trauma of being addicted, born addicted, all of that stuff. But even if that's not the case, even if just the separation itself is a trauma, and what I've learned, actually, truly, through doing my podcast and talking to a lot of experts, is that trauma is a special need. So all of these children will have special needs to a certain extent. They just will. And so that's something else to be aware of. And again, not that you can't do it, but are you the kind of person who. Do you have the energy and the time to get in there and research and find out what you need to find out and talk to people and try things? And, you know, my daughter is. Has autism and adhd. And so, you know, I really, when I found out about that, I really went into it, I was like, okay, let me find out everything I can find out, especially listen to adults with autism and what they're saying, how their experience was, which we all know now is, like, pretty traumatic for a lot of people with autism or neurodivergence of any kind. And so how can I not repeat that stuff? How can I normalize this for my child so that my child can own this? You know? Yeah, I'm autistic, and that's not a bad thing. It's a brain difference. My brain works differently.

00:40:54.620 --> 00:41:06.420
I'm wonderfully creative and unique, and that's a beautiful thing. Yeah, it's hard to live in the neurotypical world sometimes because we're. We don't always do things the same.

00:41:06.420 --> 00:42:01.130
But, yeah, so I think that it's just important for people to understand you're not only just adopting any children, you're really adopting children that are going to be coming with special needs. Yes. Our granddaughter has Autism, she's adhd, she has neurodiverse issues. And what we're finding out now after four years, because as you watch them develop, it changes all the time. Yeah. Trauma. And trauma affects the body in so many ways. It's fascinating to me and also extremely confusing to me. So I'm always learning something about how to help her. But the one thing we're finding is that the main thing is to help her learn to trust herself, because she has no trust. She has zero trust.

00:42:02.890 --> 00:42:06.120
She's just learning to trust me.

00:42:07.000 --> 00:42:18.280
Yeah. And, and, but so when you don't have that, how can anything feel safe? How can you believe anything? How can you have faith in yourself?

00:42:18.280 --> 00:42:28.039
I mean, that's what I'm learning is, so how do we build that from the ground up? And it is possible, and it does require a lot of grace.

00:42:28.760 --> 00:42:43.039
What's. What is the most unexpected grace that you've experienced in raising a family in the foster system? That's a great question.

00:42:45.280 --> 00:43:05.210
There's so many things I'll start with, you know, my perception before, before going down this path was, you know, I. I don't want a child who's been exposed to drugs. Like, they'll be, you know, like, messed up. Nobody wants that. Right.

00:43:05.210 --> 00:43:30.010
And I remember them saying, when you were. When we were doing the orientation and the classes in the beginning for fostering, they said, if you choose that you don't want a child who's been exposed to anything, like any substances or anything, you're going to wait a really, really long time for a child. You probably won't get one because most of the time they come from some kind of, you know, there's some substance abuse or alcohol or something.

00:43:30.890 --> 00:43:43.210
And so both of my child were. Were born addicted. And they are the most amazing, funny, smart, just incredible children.

00:43:43.289 --> 00:44:05.170
And yes, they have challenges. They do. They have special needs, but they're awesome. And they're totally quote, unquote, not that anybody is normal, but, like, yeah, you would never know in a million years. I hate even saying that because it makes it sound like it's a negative to. To know their. Most of us know what you mean. But you know what I mean. Yeah.

00:44:05.170 --> 00:44:09.010
They're just the best kids in the world. Like, they really are.

00:44:09.490 --> 00:44:16.450
And so my kids, like, they're just so meant to be our children, and they like the same things we like. And they.

00:44:17.140 --> 00:44:37.460
They both have a great sense of humor, which is huge for my husband and I. We need that. And, you know, it's the interesting thing about, like, nature versus Nurture and what. What was already there and what is just because they've been with us, but that it's just been amazing. Which brings me to the last question I have for you before we go.

00:44:38.900 --> 00:45:06.190
What is the one piece of advice you have to give a grandparent who's considering either facing the decision to continue guardianship beyond their capacity perhaps, or to consider finding a family like you, the perfect family for these children that might be able to give them a better life?

00:45:06.990 --> 00:46:16.090
Yeah. Stay connected. And what I mean by that is go to try to find some support groups to share your story. There's a lot of online support groups nowadays. Listen to podcasts, really, before you make any decision, gather information and work together. If you believe in a higher power or something greater than yourself, consciously work with that higher power to help you arrive at the right decision for you. And you'll know. You will know in your heart. Listen to the voice. Don't ignore the little voice inside, whatever that is. Maybe the voice is saying, you know, you can do this. Maybe the voice is, you know, you really can't do this. Like, listen to that wise, wise, higher self that you have inside of you. That would be probably the main thing. And educate yourself about what you're getting into and what you'll need to do.

00:46:17.930 --> 00:46:24.170
That's great advice. And I would only add, listen to Rachel's show. Oh, thank you.

00:46:26.170 --> 00:46:33.829
Appreciate that. From Foster to Forever, which you can find on Apple and Spotify and all the major platforms.

00:46:34.390 --> 00:46:45.670
Yes, indeed. We just launched our season December 16th, third season and it comes out every Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts and we'd love to have you reach out.

00:46:46.070 --> 00:47:01.039
I'm going to be starting mentorship in the new year as well, so that's an opportunity and an option if you feel like you need more one on one support. Yeah, I'm just wishing you every all the listeners. I'm wishing you all the best in this journey.

00:47:02.400 --> 00:47:05.280
Think outside the box. Yeah. Yeah.

00:47:06.320 --> 00:47:10.160
Thank you. Thanks for having me on. Thanks, Rachel.

00:47:10.160 --> 00:47:42.039
It's a pleasure. You can find information about Rachel and her podcast at From Foster, the number two ForeverSearchedOut.com the link will also be in the show notes. Before you go about the rest of your day, I want to ask you to step into the reflection room with me. Rachel talked about living in the what is Ask yourself, am I fighting the reality of my situation or am I leading with it? One is exhausting, the other is empowering.

00:47:42.680 --> 00:48:12.650
Today, identify one thing you usually try to do yourself that's draining your battery is it running the kids at the park? Is it a specific chore? Your quick win is to find a creative way to delegate that one thing this week, just like Rachel's roster of high school babysitters, you are the CEO. You don't have to be the entire staff. You are the keeper of the future, and your presence is the most sacred thing your family has.

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We are 2.7 million strong, still nurturing and still here. I'm Laura Brazan, and I'll see you in the next boardroom.