Fearless Living- Live the Life Your Soul Intended

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Fear. It's a powerful force that grips us all, whether we're grandparents, raising grandchildren, wives, parents or simply navigating life's daily challenges. In our upcoming episode, I'm thrilled to host the Incredible Rhonda Britton. She's been on Oprah. She's an Emmy Award winning life coach and best selling author who has transformed lives around the globe. Rhonda knows firsthand the paralyzing grip of fear. She's coached everyone from corporate execs to families seeking deeper relationships. Today, she's bringing her insights to this podcast. We dive into the universal reality of fear and how it manifests in our lives, questioning our self worth and the roles we play.

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Through her Fearless Living Institute and a riveting life story that includes forgiveness and overcoming trauma, Rhonda provides unparalleled guidance on conquering fear. Her journey from personal tragedy to becoming a powerhouse media personality is not only inspirational, but also deeply transformative. Join us as Rhonda shares practical tips to redefine your relationship with fear, enhance your life and embrace the role of a fearless grandparent. You won't want to miss the wisdom and light that Rhonda brings to this conversation.

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Begin your fearless journey today.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of childrearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and and struggles.

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This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued and your journey is honored.

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I thought I had a handle on where my life was going, but everything shifted when I took on the responsibility of raising my grandkids. Suddenly I was faced with their trauma, their unique challenges, and an unexpected 180 degree turn in my life. I felt like I was losing control, manipulated by circumstances beyond my grasp.

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The anger and sense of victimization were overwhelming.

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I was embarrassed by my own grandchildren's actions and frightened of what the future held.

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I questioned whether I was truly up to the task I had agreed to take on. In this episode, Rhonda dives deep into the neuroscience of fear and how it influences our choices and self assurance.

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Join us as we uncover practical strategies to embrace fearlessness in our everyday routines and how nurturing a fearless mindset can lead to greater joy and fulfillment. It's time to transform our fears into strength. Enjoy the episode. As grandparents raising grandchildren were facing so many fears three years ago when I got my children, I thought I had my life pretty together and everything's upside down and trying to get back to where I was emotionally, personally, I don't want to say I want to be back where I was, but I want to be where I am and get back the fearlessness that I had. So I think what you have to share with the listeners is so important, Rhonda, talk about your personal journey and what got you into this work.

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Well, I would be happy to, but I first want to say something about what you just said because it's so important, because right now I just want to reframe what you just said because you are being fearless in this moment. So this is fearlessness.

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So fearlessness is crawling through glass, right? Fearlessness is not knowing what's happening. I say that the definition of freedom is really your capacity to live in the unknown.

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That's the freedom. When you can live in the unknown and not have to know every single thing, every single moment, you know what's going to happen next. That's freedom. Because when you're living in the present moment, that is freedom, right? So you are more fearless. And I know this is true for every single one of your listeners because if you are a grandparent raising a grandchild, that is a fearless act.

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And that is a humble act is it takes great humility to do that. It takes great courage to do that. It takes a big heart to do that. So you're already doing fearless work. You just. That may not feel like your old way of seeing fearlessness, because I think that's one of the things we don't give ourselves enough credit. We don't give ourselves enough credit for what we're going through in the moment, right? We just remember, like, oh, I didn't feel this way before, or you know, gosh, I want to feel differently. It's like, well, this is how you're feeling, okay? And this is what you're thinking, okay, so let's go from here instead of wishing. Like you said, you don't want to wish about going back. So it's like we don't want to wish about getting back anywhere. We don't even want to Wish about going forward. We want to actually go, okay, right here, right now, this is what's happening. And of course, if you're a grandparent raising a grandchildren, you're probably living in the moment way more than you ever have in a very long time, because every moment is new, for sure.

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So I think that's really a courageous act. So how I got into this is my own story of the worst day of my life. So, you know, I believe that the worst day of our lives, whenever they happen in our life, is actually the seed of our destiny. So, you know, probably may not be the worst, worst day of your life, but getting that phone call and knowing that you're making a decision to go back and get your grandchildren and raise them, it had to be a very scary moment, you know, because. Well, I was gonna say, I think getting over that desperation of the transition from one to the other is where I got stuck for quite a while. Yes. Well, the word desperate, I love that you use that word. The word desperate is the. For me and other people might have a different word. Might be anxious, it might be overwhelmed. Right. Again, you know, your words. Everyone who's listening, you know the word that comes up for you when you're feeling out of control or unsure or like, what the heck is going on. I also feel desperate. That's my word as well. So when I feel desperate, I know that I'm in the middle of an incredible transformation. I'm in the middle of something really amazing. I just don't know it yet. That's a great perspective, right? So when I was going through my last dark night of the soul, because I've been more through more than one. When I was going through my last dark night of the soul, I just kept saying, this is going to be so good on the other end, right? This is going to be so good.

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And I just have to move through it in a powerful, impactful, awake way so that I get the benefits. Because if you don't get the benefits, it gonna happen again, right? It's going to happen again. So we want to, like every. Every bit of marrow that you can suck, right? That you can grab. You know, this is part of your divine path, and your divine path is raising your grandchildren. And this is part of why you're here. You went to start this podcast. So there's so many destiny things that are happening right now for you and I'm sure for your listeners, because I do believe that the worst day of our lives, give us our destiny, are the seeds of our destiny. And so you asked me, you know, how did I start this journey? Well, I started it unknowing to me on the worst day of my life. And it just took me 20 years to know that. Share with us your story of that day. So When I was 14, I grew up in a very little, tiny, tiny town in upper Michigan. 365 inches of snow a year. Two restaurants, the fancy Douglas House Buffet Hotel and big boy. No McDonald's. And my parents had recently separated and it was Father's Day, and so my father was coming over to take us to Sunday brunch, which was a big deal. Three kids, two adults. That's a lot of money, right? So it was a big deal. And so my in my mother's bedroom and she's fluffing up her beehive hairdo and putting on a rose color lipstick and her blue eyeshadow. And my father walks in the back door. Come on, girls, come on, let's go, let's go.

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My two sisters are fighting it out in our one bathroom. Me and my mother start walking towards the back door to, you know, get in the car to go to brunch. My father, come on, girls, let's go. We walk out, my father realizes that started to sprinkle, so he says he's got to get this coat from his coat from the trunk. And this coat was this tan naga hide leisure suit coat. So if you remember the day, that was hot. Leisure suit, right? So my father opens it, right? He looked good with that leisure suit coat. And he's open the trunk and I notice out of the corner of my eye that he has not grabbed a coat, but he has grabbed a gun. And he starts yelling at my mother, you made me do this. You made me do this. And he fires and I start screaming, dad, what are you doing? Dad, what are you doing? Stop, dad, what are you doing? And he cocks the gun again and he points it at me.

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And I absolutely believe I'm next. And he blinks and I blink and I blink and then he blinks. And we're just literally frozen in time, staring at each other. And I'm absolutely believe I'm going to be next. And my mother, with her last breath, screams out, no, don't. And my father, realizing my mother's still alive, takes that bullet intended for me and shoots my mother a second time. And that second bullet goes through my mother's abdomen, out her back, and lands in the car horn. And for the next 20 minutes, all I hear is, wow. And then my father Cocks the gun again, puts it to his temple and fires.

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So I am the sole witness of watching my father murder my mother and commit suicide in front of me. Oh, my gosh. Now, I don't know how you'd respond, but this is how I responded. I blame myself. I'm sure as a child I would have done the same thing because I. Was the one that was physically there, was the only one physically there that could have stopped it.

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And I did not grab the gun, I did not kick my father's in the shin. I did not jump in front of my mother, right? I didn't sacrifice myself.

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I just screamed, stop. Dad Stopped. Right?

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So for the next 20 years, I was really two people. The outside Rhonda and the inside Rhonda. The outside Rhonda. I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. Right? Got straight A's in school, got a full ride to college, class president. I'm fine. I'm really fine. And inside was no self esteem, lack of self worth, no self love. Because when you watch your mother be murdered, you don't get to be happy, right? You don't. You don't get to be happy. So when I hit college, I discovered alcohol, and that numbed the pain.

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So I became an alcoholic, got three DUIs, and tried to kill myself three times. And that third suicide attempt, when it was unsuccessful, I realized that I'm not very good at killing myself. Not very good at that. And I've got to figure this out, because I'm not dying.

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I'm not dying. And so there must be a reason that I'm supposed to live. I didn't want to live, but here I am again. And when they. When you try to kill yourself three times, they do put you in a psychiatric ward for evaluation. So I went in the. The psychic psych hospital. And after a few days, they released me. I'm not crazy.

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And I go to my little studio apartment and I remember so vividly my back on the wall and I just lean. You know how you're leaning against the wall and you just kind of collapse, right? You collapse on your butt. And I collapsed onto the floor. And I remember thinking to myself, I have to figure this out. I have to start over. Because those 20 years that I was drinking, I was also going to therapy, reading books, going to workshops. I mean, I read my first self help book when I was 12. So I was a self help junkie.

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And I wanted to be a minister. When I was 13. So I was. I was doing everything I thought I should. Yeah.

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And so here I am, sitting on the floor, telling myself I have to start over. And I think to myself, what do they do in kindergarten? What do they do in kindergarten? Well, they get gold stars in a calendar. So I went to the store, got gold stars in a calendar, and for the next 30 days, anytime I did something worth saving myself for, any shift, any shift at all, I don't care how small it was. I mean, the shifts were like, got drunk but didn't break anything.

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Right? Like that. Like, that's the level of what we're talking about.

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I gave myself a gold star, and at the end of 30 days, I had a calendar filled with gold stars, and there was hope. And that was the shift that changed your life. That was the shift. And then, you know, there was the forgiveness shift and the getting sober shift. But that was when I started realizing that my parents had been running my life unbeknownst to me. Right. Because of course, you think you're running your life. But I realized at that moment that my parents death was. Was what was running my life.

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And I had to release that and let that go.

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So I did a huge forgiveness ceremony, which was amazing and beautiful.

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And because we have to forgive daily forgiveness. I mean, if you're a grandparent with a grandchild, you're probably doing daily forgiveness work. And if you're not, I invite you to do it. Not only daily forgiveness work for your grandchildren and their misbehavior, but forgiveness about, you know, for yourself, for your thoughts, and forgiveness of your children who have abandoned their children. Right.

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I'm sure you talk about this in your program, but what do you think are some of the key things we need to do in order to shift from the I don't want to be here mentality to the I'm living my best life mentality? Well, I think, first of all, there's a willingness. You have to be willing, and then you have to make a decision to do it. So I'll put it this way.

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When I train my coaches, because I trained over 500 coaches. When I trained my coaches, when a client comes on the phone and it feels like they don't want to be there. Right. They don't want to be there. Even though they, you know, I say if they called you, so if they came home, if the grandkids came home, they want what you have. They just don't have the skills, the awareness, the tools to actually do it any different than they are doing it. They don't know how to ask. They don't know how to be vulnerable. They don't. They don't know how to say, I'm scared. They don't know how to do that. So your job is. Is to talk to the person. Speak to that person that's inside there that is innocent and wants love and wants connection.

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Just keep talking to that person. And I think for me, that's a great moment, right? So it's not talking to the kid who is misbehaving, even though you may put discipline. And that's not what I'm saying, but you're talking to the kid in there who is desperate for love. I mean, if they're in an abandoned situation, you know, if your grandparent raised children, grandchildren, they're.

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Those children have been through rejection, abandonment, carelessness, trauma. You know, they have been through many things that maybe many of us have never experienced in our life to the extent that they have. And we can't understand it. Like, we just can't understand what's happening. We can't understand how our children are this way. We can't understand why our grandchildren aren't grateful. Like, we can't understand the whole thing.

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But what, but what's happening is when somebody acts out, when somebody rejects the love that you're offering in actuality, I know this is going to sound weird, but it's actually a compliment. Because they feel safe enough with you to act out. They feel safe enough with you to say, I hate you. You know, they feel safe enough with you because they know you're not leaving. Because, trust me, they are getting you to leave to prove to themselves that they are worthless. That's what I did in every relationship I had.

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I. I tested you. I pushed you because I had to know. I had to know that you weren't going to leave before I opened my heart. And of course, healthy people don't stay around, right? So, you know, when I was with men, right, healthy men don't stay around when you're acting out all crazy all the time, you know, so my healthy ones left, you know, but the ones that were, you know, unhealthy were like, in their trauma with me, right? We were both in our trauma, but you as a healthy grandparent and attempting to get healthier, because you're listening right now, you're the. You're the model. Whether you believe it or not, whether they act like it or not, they are pushing, pushing, pushing, because they desperately need to know when you're going to leave. When are you going to give up on them? When are you going to tell them you're horrible? When are you going to name call them? When are you going to say you're rotten? You brought up a great point that I can really relate to. I struggled for a long time and I still do. When the kids trigger me, it brings up some of my deepest fears. So by walking through those fears with them and relating to them, when that happens and we connect, I feel worthy again because I heal my fears while they're healing their fears. And I think that the bright spot that I've been able to experience more recently is that although I know those times will continue to come.

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Yes. That I'm living a good life where I am.

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Don't you think that's part of where we all need to be in our processes is to move beyond what the. The disabling aspect of what fear does and move into maybe not always joy, but at least peace about where I am. I may be raising grandchildren.

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I may be struggling with a husband that's ill. I may not have the perfect job that I have. I may not be accomplishing quite what I want, but present well. It's like, it's like, you know, every single grandparent who's raising their grandchildren said yes. Every grandparent who's raising a grandchild said yes to that. Said yes to taking that grandchild on or grandchildren on. They said yes. You know, they might have been kicking and screaming, but they said yes. If they're living with you, you said yes. I encourage people to say no when they really feel like that's the right choice to make. Not everybody should be doing this. Of course, I 100% agree. And then you have people like me that went, this is the right thing to do. Oh, my gosh, I'm terrified. Did I make a mistake? Am I going be able to do this? Am I good enough? Do they deserve someone better? Yes. Well, all of that is irrelevant, right? Talking about worth or am I good enough? That is irrelevant.

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So it's. It's your internal conversation, but has nothing to do with reality, Right. So, you know, they needed somebody to step up and you said yes. So that's the great news. So because you said yes, you also open the door to your next evolution. And I bet there have been times in your life where you have said to yourself, I want to be a vehicle for love, or I want to be the best person I can be, or, you know, I want to. I want to, you know, do what I'm meant here. To do on earth.

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Like you probably said some version of that at some time in your life. I say it all the time to myself, of course.

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And when we say those things, and as we Most, most of us do, we're calling forth the very thing that we need in order to open our heart, to help us see our innocence as well as others. Because, you know, one of the core coaching skills that I teach my students is seeing innocence when everything doesn't feel innocent.

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Right. And we're talking Jesus stuff. Right. How do you. How do you see innocence in misbehavior? How do you see innocence in trauma? How do you see innocence in, you know, rudeness and, you know, really poor acting out?

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Well, there's that little. Right. There's that little soul in there. There's that little soul in there that is innocent. That is innocent.

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And talking to that part of that person and not, not, not addressing the misbehavior, of course you're going to put boundaries up and say no.

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And discipline. You're gonna do all those things, of course. But the way that you're doing it is talking to that innocent part, knowing that you're putting that boundary up, knowing that you're giving that discipline in order to set that innocent part of them free, to have them see that part of themselves.

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So you're wanting to help them see that they're innocent. Right. They. They did nothing wrong for the most part. You know, and if they did, quote, unquote, something like, there's. There's a certain section, of course, of mental illness, you know, where they have a brain, chemical imbalance, et cetera, we're going to put that aside.

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And of course, we know trauma also creates that as well.

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But a stable home can shift that for many kids. Not every. Not every kid, by the way, but many kids. And your opportunity to see your own innocence as well as their innocence and speak from that place of. And it's not like not saying things like, I know you didn't mean it. No, they did it. They did it. So it's not people pleasing. Seeing their innocence is not people pleasing.

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Seeing their innocence is not letting them off the hook. Seeing their innocence is not going, oh, no, no. You know, catering to them, kowtowing to them, seeing their innocence is not saying, well, it's easier to give in. No, it is. No, no, no. Right. We know that we cannot give in. That we're the boundary between, you know, their innocence coming forth and their bad behavior getting praised. Right now is it all.

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Are all of us going to give in. Of course we do. Are all of us human? Of course we are. Are all of us going to fail? Of course we are. Right. But the thing to know is that your opportunity is to see the innocence in them and. And with you. And that's where forgiveness comes in on a daily basis, like daily forgiveness. And, you know, let's move into the fear.

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You know, I was when I was growing up, and I think I'm talking to people my age. I think many people experience what I did growing up. Nobody talked about fear. Nobody talked about feelings. Right. I mean, my mom didn't go, how are you feeling today? Nobody asked me that. And we didn't know what feelings were. And I definitely didn't feel afraid even after my father killed my mother. If you would have sat me down that day or a year after or two years after when I was drinking and I was in dui, I was in jail because I was in jail for a little bit of time.

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Because you get three du. You also got to go to jail. I'm in jail.

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You would have asked me if I was afraid. I would have said no. I was so unconscious about how fear showed up, and I had no connection to my emotional life.

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It was easier to just plow through and make do then actually, I thought, then indulge myself with feeling sad or feeling hurt or, you know, all those feelings when I was growing up. It's like you were a wimp, right?

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But the very thing we must do is actually feel our feelings and be the model for those grandchildren so that they have access to their feelings. Can you imagine how the world would be if we all accepted our innocence on a daily basis? Well, life would be a lot more free, right? So you would not be pushed and pulled because you'd have your own anchor.

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You'd have your own North Star. Because when we are driven by fear, our North Star, even though we think it doesn't change, it changes a lot. And don't you think we're always just so busy worrying about the future? But let's. Let's say. Let's say you are here to accomplish. Instead of being present in the moment. Yeah. Let's say you're here to be. Accomplish a goal. Great. Then. Then make your goal present in the moment. Make your goal.

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How much innocence can I see in myself? And then how forgiving can I be?

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Then make that your goal. In retirement, we set these, I think, kind of unattainable standards that we want to meet. It's like all of a sudden, we've been living our life, we've raised our kids, we're living comfortably. And then for some reason, we think everything's going to stay the same for the next 20 years, 30 years until we die, whatever. Yeah, no, as we all know, you know, I'm 64, my best friend's 72. My sister is 68. You know, so I hang out with 60, 70 year olds, 80 year olds. And yeah, I think we do. We, we, we feel like we worked hard and we shouldn't have to work hard anymore. And now I'm raising a grandkid and I'm working harder than ever. And instead what we can say to ourselves, we have to reframe it. It's like instead we can say to ourselves, well, I was made for this. I was made for this. You know, a lot of people will ask me, how do you do it? They say, I get, I get exhausted just having my grandkids for a couple of hours. And I say, you adapt. I don't know how, but we're amazing creatures. We can adapt. That's right. That's right. And having your grandkids for a few hours when you're trying to dance and sing and make them laugh and happy is very exhausting compared to everyday life when you're just going, here's your lunch. You know, I have very good naps. Yeah, good, good for you. So, so going to fear is. I don't think that we know we have fear. I don't think that many of us, you know, me particularly, even recognize fear.

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And then we don't recognize it in the people, you know, our grandchildren. We don't recognize fear because all we see maybe is bad behavior or a smarty mouth or whatever. We don't see that as fear. But if you're, you know, let me, let me read a list of words and you can see if you do any of these things or feel any of these things, and these are what I call fear responses. These are all symptoms of fear. Okay? So do you ever deny yourself? Do you ever isolate? Do you ever pretend everything's okay when it's not? Do you ever hide out? Do you ever whine? Do you ever settle?

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Do you ever compare? Do you secretly manipulate? Do you get defensive? How about judge? Do you feel like complaining? Do you procrastinate? Do you wish things were different than they were? Right? Do you wait and call it patience? Do you struggle? Do you worry? Do you blame?

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Do you deflect? Do you control? Do you feel bitter, powerless? Do you get dissatisfied? Are you resentful do you feel entitled? Do you feel guilty, disappointed? Do you get caught in perfectionism? Do you feel overwhelmed, ignored, annoyed? Like, maybe now do you feel victimized? Right? Do you. If you have any of those feelings or any of those behaviors, those are all fear responses. So most people think those are the problems, right? So I'm overwhelmed. I have to solve my overwhelm problem again. I want you to have tools and skills to be able to soothe yourself so you can remove overwhelm. But overwhelm, you don't get overwhelmed unless there's a fear driving that overwhelm. You don't procrastinate. So the fear driving that procrastination. You don't get a smarty mouth unless there's a fear driving that misbehavior, right?

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So when you understand that it's fear and you're not flawed, you don't have a character flaw.

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Instead, it's just. That's how fear is moving through you, and that's how your response is to your fear, then you can.

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It's much easier to forgive yourself. It's much easier to reframe. It's much easier to understand how you work. How do we understand what's causing us to respond with fear? So overwhelm is the fear response, but underneath it, the thing that's driving that fear response, the reason you are overwhelmed, is what I call the core fear. So if you think of it as there's a core fear that you have, and trust me, if you think you know what it is, you're probably wrong. Hate to break the news, because fear is smarter than you are, more educated than you, more spiritual than you.

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It knows everything you know, and it uses everything against you in order to keep you safe. And the only way to keep you safe is to keep you exactly the same. If you go ahead and take us, what I call stretchers could die.

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And you're doing crazy things like raising your grandkids, right? It's like, what are you doing? You know, we gotta, like. You gotta be like, got to do what we got to do. What are you doing? Right? So fear comes up, and it gives us permission to act out in our ways. You know, whether that's overwhelmed, procrastination, judging, et cetera.

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So instead of going, God, I got to stop doing that. Oh, God, right? We just go, wow, all right, a fear is popping up.

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And I've created a model called the Wheel of fear and the antidote, which is the wheel of freedom.

00:30:31.559 --> 00:30:48.928
So you can see how fear is in action, how it works. So we have what I call the core fear, the trigger. Then when you are activated, when that's activated, it moves you into fear responses. And fear responses are the way we manage that fear. Right?

00:30:49.064 --> 00:31:19.680
So people pleasing somebody acts out. Just like I'll just make them calm down, I'll just people please them in order to, you know. But it's really your fear you're afraid. Do anything different. You're using people pleasing to combat your fear. Okay, so then you people please. Well when you people please, we all know the result of that. After you do it over and over again, you move into your core negative feeling. And I'll use mine, I'll use mine. Yours probably isn't the same, but my core negative feeling, the feeling you don't want to feel feeling you don't want to feel. Mine is worthless.

00:31:20.819 --> 00:32:09.071
Yours might be something you, yours might be something different, right? But mine is worthless. And when I feel worthless, when I run to Britain feel worthless, I can easily fall into self destructive behaviors. You know, drink too much, eat too much, work out too much, lay in bed too much. Right? We again, we all know our self destructive behaviors. You know your fear responses and this. Is what you teach in your course. This is what I teach in my course, in my book. You know, I do a live workshop. I train coaches that do it. Uncover your wheel of fear and then more importantly, even you cover your wheel of freedom, which is the antidote to the wheel of fear. It's a, it's like a circle because you know, we feel like we're on a treadmill when we're in fear. So it's a wheel. And at the 9 o'clock hour is your trigger. At the noon is your fear responses.

00:32:09.215 --> 00:32:31.309
At 3 o'clock itself is, is core negative feeling. And then at 6pm is your self destructive. So if everyone's my age, you've probably heard righty tighty, lefty loosey. So righty tighty, the wheel of fear goes righty tighty, right? It's like, it's like it cranks you up, right? And you stay on that wheel and it cranks you up some more, right? The wheel of freedom is lefty Lucy.

00:32:31.970 --> 00:32:46.200
So the access point to get onto your wheel of freedom is what I call your essential nature. And your essential nature is that part of you that you deny. The part of you that you put away a long time ago because it wasn't safe.

00:32:47.180 --> 00:33:42.059
So mine, my this is again, mine is authentic. So let me go back to what my trigger is because I didn't tell you that my trigger again. Me, Rhonda Britton. Not yours. Mine is loser. If anything loser around me, I can smell it a mile away. Right again. Until I understood my will of fear, I didn't consciously know it. I didn't know it was loser. But once I identified loser, it was like, oh yes, I then I could see it everywhere. So anytime I'm in a position where I could be seen as, look like, smell like, even hint at, even a dirty look across the room, even a look across the room could make me feel like a loser. It's just start spinning me on my wheel. So when I'm in my wheel of fear, right? When I'm on my wheel, fear anywhere in there, people pleasing, procrastinating, again, any of those overwhelm. My first job is to get over on my wheel of freedom and to access my essential nature. Well, my essential nature is authentic.

00:33:42.960 --> 00:34:00.779
So just think about it for a minute. If my way out of fear is to be authentic, does my feet wheel of fear want me to be that? No, it does not. Because my wheel of fear tells me, Rhonda, if you're authentic, everyone's going to know you're a loser.

00:34:01.609 --> 00:34:12.110
Right? Right. Now we've got it hidden, girlfriend. Right now nobody knows, okay? But if you go on being authentic and everything, then everybody's gonna know the truth about you.

00:34:12.969 --> 00:34:38.632
Now again, this isn't, this isn't the conscious conversation I had. It was instantaneous, right? Yeah. But when I, when I identified my essential nature and it was authentic, on one hand it was like, yay. And on the other hand it was like, oh, no. Right. I have to share with you a quote that Rhonda shared with me at the beginning of the show. It was a favorite one of hers as a child. It's by E.E. cummings.

00:34:38.760 --> 00:35:00.577
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting. So I wanted nothing to be authentic. And I spent my whole life being anything but authentic because I was, I was going to be a good student. I was going to be a good person. Right.

00:35:00.634 --> 00:35:46.860
I couldn't be authentic because I thought, oh, I'll let all my anger out or I'll let all my, you know, all my stuff I don't want anyone to see out. That's not actually what happens. But that's what my fear was, right? Right. But being authentic, like speaking up and saying what's really true for me and what I really want or identify my own needs or, you know, all those lovely things that when I'm being authentic, that gets me back on my Wheel of Freedom and fear dissipates. It just dissolves. It must be powerful to have that kind of control in your life. Well, you know what it is? It's awareness. Because now I know it's not me, right? I'm not flawed. I'm not screwed up. It's how fear works in all of us.

00:35:47.159 --> 00:35:51.007
So when I see somebody's bad behavior, doesn't mean I don't get upset.

00:35:51.103 --> 00:36:30.224
Doesn't mean I might not cry, right? Doesn't mean I'm not. I don't. I'm not cold, actually, with the Wheel of Freedom is more open. So it doesn't mean I'm not moved or hurt or angry. I'm not gonna. I'm gonna have my natural feeling. Well, those are human. Those are human feelings, and I want to feel that. I don't want to become a robot, right? I have those feelings, but I don't act out on those. I don't go down the train with those feelings, right? I just get angry. But I don't take the train and stay on the anger train for the next two weeks, right? I'm angry for a moment, five minutes, three minutes. I imagine it also allows you to be more present in relationships. Oh, 100%. Because it's not about you.

00:36:30.311 --> 00:37:10.847
You realize, oh, they're just doing their Wheel of Fear. And that's the thing. Parents come to me all the time and go, I don't want my kids to have a Wheel of Fear. How can I make sure my kids don't have a Wheel of Fear? It's like, sweetheart, our neurobiology. Everyone has a Wheel of Fear. There is no getting away from it. It's how we're built. Okay, so you have a Wheel of Fear. Your kids have a Wheel of Fear. Your grandkids have a Wheel of Fear. There's no escaping the Wheel of Fear. The Dalai Lama has the Wheel of Fear, right? So everybody's got the Wheel of Fear, and everybody's got the Wheel of Freedom. But most of us don't understand how to work it and don't know how, don't know what ours is. So it feels like we're crazy or desperate or stupid or weak or, again, whatever, Whatever.

00:37:10.943 --> 00:37:47.952
However we label those things. Oh, my gosh. We lay so many burdens on ourselves. So many burdens. And, you know, I like to. My business is called Fearless Living Institute, nicknamed Fly fli, fly. I also use FLY as an acronym for frequency, length and intensity. So the frequency in which you'll get triggered decreases, the length in which it last is, lasts, minimizes, and the intensity goes down. So it's not like you're going to become a cold human being and be a robot. No, you're going to know what's happening to you and you're gonna know what to do and the frequency in which things last. You don't stay mad for a week. Right.

00:37:47.976 --> 00:37:54.815
You don't stay mad for three days. You don't. You don't beat yourself up. Because that's the other benefit of understanding your wheels.

00:37:55.007 --> 00:38:02.059
Because I'm a firm believer. And there's. You never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never beat yourself up or another human being.

00:38:02.840 --> 00:38:10.032
So it eliminates that whole conversation in your head, what's wrong with me? What's my problem? Why can't I get this? I should behave. I'm older now.

00:38:10.056 --> 00:38:17.483
I'm 68. I'm 72. I can't believe I should be able to handle this kid. Right. Like the whole conversation. Right.

00:38:17.572 --> 00:38:20.199
I know a lot of listeners are thinking that right now.

00:38:21.219 --> 00:38:24.840
Yeah. Well, I mean, it's, it's, of course, because you're human.

00:38:25.219 --> 00:38:28.619
And as we started our time together today talking about innocence.

00:38:28.780 --> 00:38:35.599
So when you see the wheel of fear and wheel of freedom and you understand how it works, you can see your innocence.

00:38:36.179 --> 00:38:40.000
You're not doing anything wrong or bad or stupid or weak.

00:38:40.570 --> 00:39:20.635
You're just responding in the moment. And you can either respond from fear or freedom. And it doesn't take away your humanity. It actually makes you more open, more loving, more connected, more satisfied. Well, and, you know, I think most of us that are doing this are wanting to leave a greater legacy for our grandkids. Yes. And I can see how doing this for ourselves is probably one of the greatest gifts we can do for the kids. That's right. That's right. That's right. It's a great gift that you're giving yourself so that, you know, you're not on your deathbed, gone. I wish I would have lived a different life.

00:39:20.708 --> 00:40:16.760
Or, you know, because they. The, that nurse wrote that book. You know, the five. The five things that people say on their deathbed. And the number one is, I didn't live the life I was meant to live. Right. I didn't. I didn't live as me. And raising your kids, it may feel like, well, I didn't choose that well, but you did, because they're living in your house. So that's one. And so if they're living in your house, you did decide it, even though, you know, you still have attitude about it maybe sometimes, Right? Which of course is natural. Yeah. But it's also part of your path. So if this is part of your path, if you agreed to this. You know, I believe in heaven and I believe in contracts, and, you know, maybe I have to believe in it to understand my mom and dad, but I get grace, solace, knowing that me, my mom and dad were in heaven, right? And we're three angels hanging out, right? And we don't. We're not mom, dad, and daughter. We're just three angels hanging out, right? And we're like, what do you want to do next lifetime? And it's like, I don't know, what do you want to do next lifetime?

00:40:16.920 --> 00:40:45.769
And my dad goes, hey, why don't you, Master, Why don't you help people, Master Fear? And I'm like, me. Me, Master Fear. Oh. Oh, my God. If I could help the people down there, Master Fear, I would be amazing. Right? And so he goes, okay, but something bad's going to have to happen to you. And I'm like, oh, yeah, it's going to have to happen in a year, right? And he goes, okay. He goes, I'll be the bad guy this lifetime. I'll be the bad guy this lifetime. I'll be the bad guy. And I'm like, okay, okay. He goes, how about this? You be the mom, I be the dad, you be the daughter, and I'm gonna kill your mom, and I'm gonna kill myself in front of you.

00:40:45.809 --> 00:40:49.434
And then that will set you on a journey. And we're all like, yay, yes.

00:40:49.561 --> 00:40:53.193
Right? That sounds great. Right?

00:40:53.362 --> 00:41:03.829
And then we come back and we forget if we can find solace in somewhere. Somewhere. Whether we want it to be true or not. We agreed to this somewhere.

00:41:04.969 --> 00:41:26.802
And it's. It's for our journey and our evolution and our path and our. Our legacy. Then we can surrender to it with more ease. And we can surrender to, okay, well, then this is my work to do. It's my work. It might never have happened if we hadn't gone through any of these difficult things.

00:41:26.985 --> 00:41:44.260
Yeah. Yeah. Again, who knows? I mean, we can. We can second guess our lives. Well, if I wouldn't have done that, if I wouldn't have did this, if I. If my son went to done this, if my daughter wouldn't have done this, then this wouldn't be. We can second guess all we Want, but that blame, burning in blame. And that's just burning energy.

00:41:44.559 --> 00:41:52.184
So when you blame and shame, it's fear. And again, sure, your daughter, son, children could have made different choices, but they didn't. And here we are.

00:41:52.351 --> 00:42:07.422
I was going to ask you for examples about how this has changed people's lives, but I don't think I need to that. I think everybody can imagine what. I can imagine what it does for people.

00:42:07.606 --> 00:42:31.190
Well, I think the first thing when people discover their wheels, the first thing I hear from most people is now I understand my life. Now I understand why I did A, why I didn't do B, why I did C, you know, why I got married, why I got divorced, why I went to college, why I didn't go to college, why I quit my job, why I took that job. I had one couple. Oh, God, I love them so much. They're from Kentucky.

00:42:31.530 --> 00:42:53.068
And I was on my book tour for Fearless Living, my book, and this couple was sitting in the front row. And so they came up to me on the break and they were in their 70s probably at the time, and they came to me and they said, fearless living has saved our marriage. And I was like, what? Well, they had gotten divorced. They had gotten divorced and the husband was starting to do fearless living.

00:42:53.193 --> 00:43:00.099
Okay. And he called his ex wife up again after their divorce. They are now divorced. They went through the whole process.

00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:15.619
He calls her up and says, I think if we did Fearless Living together, this is, this is what broke us up. I think if we did this, work together, you know, I'm willing to try. Are you willing to try?

00:43:16.079 --> 00:43:44.659
And they did Fearless Living together, and they are like, like the two giddiest, happiest people when they're sitting in the front row, like they couldn't wait to tell me. And because what you do is you start understanding how people work. Like your, your mate isn't purposely screwing you over. Right. Your mate isn't purposely misbehaving. Your kids aren't grandkids aren't purpose. It's like everyone is just acting out on their fear because they don't know any other way to do it. They're just afraid.

00:43:45.619 --> 00:44:00.199
Yeah, just afraid. Creating a legacy of resilience, strength, and fearlessness for our grandchildren. To me, I can't imagine anything greater that I could accomplish in my life.

00:44:01.539 --> 00:44:15.909
I'm so happy you've shared all of this with us. Rhonda, tell the listeners how they can contact you about the counseling, the coaching program in your book. Sure. So go to fearless living.org that's my website, fearless living.org.

00:44:16.250 --> 00:44:34.110
you can just put Fearless Living in Google and I'm the first, you know, 100 things that pop up, right? So fearless living.org and you'll see up on top, you know, do you want to get coached or you want to be coached? And if you want to be coached, there's a program called the Fearless Living Transformation Program. That is my online course.

00:44:34.489 --> 00:44:55.382
I also teach that live at times. I do teach that live every few times a year. So look on, look out for that. I'm actually teaching it live in at the end of February. So I don't know when this will be airing, but at the end of February. And so I'll be teaching it live on Zoom. So you can meet, you can be anywhere you want. So you can take the course to find your wheels.

00:44:55.525 --> 00:45:08.431
You can read my book to get your wheels. Now if you're going to do the book, make sure you do it with somebody who's a truth teller and you're going to be a truth teller for them because again, fear is tricky. So they have to be willing to tell you the truth when you're doing the work together.

00:45:08.615 --> 00:45:33.820
And you can hire a coach. So one of my certified first living coaches can support you. And like I shared, I shared with you earlier before we started, one of my coaches is a grandparent raising her grandchildren and I can't tell you how many parents and grandparents. So for, for her, she decided actually to become a coach, go through our coaching program, which is a nine month program to help you really embody this work and to be able to do it with others.

00:45:34.550 --> 00:46:29.242
She became a coach because she was raising her grandson and she knew that doing the work on her own would not get it in her bones. She knew that the only way she'd get in her bones for her was to become a coach. So she actually went through our nine month program and she's raising her grandson and she's now raising another grandson. She's raising a second one. I definitely think you should have her on. She's fantastic. Fearless Living helps you feel sane in an insane world. So whether you decide to do this work on a deeper level and become a coach, whether you go and take the Fearless Living training program, whether you read the book, whether you work with a coach, however you want to do it, it will give you solace in those dark moments that you're not the crazy one. Stupid, rejected, crazy, mean, again, whatever you want to label yourself, lazy. I don't know anyone that can't use. That I don't know anybody either.

00:46:29.306 --> 00:49:03.059
I don't know anybody either. But you know, it's so amazing because most people aren't willing to face, even still admit after they hear me speak. They're still not willing to admit that they have fear. They're still not willing to admit and this is where I go with that. I go, well, don't you want to actually operate more effectively or efficiently or more awake? You want to be more awake? You want to be more evolved, you want to be in charge more of your emotional life, then fearless living might be your path. If our talk today resonated with you, Rhonda's got a free gift for you@fearshellliving.org risk and download her Free From Fear to Freedom guide. The link is also in the show Notes thanks for joining us today for another episode of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. Join us on our next episode as we jump into the creative, joyful world of Parents parenting with none other than Craig Parks. With decades of experience as a camp director, kids musician and father of two, Craig brings a unique perspective to raising children. His innovative A to E parenting method has transformed everyday parenting struggles into memorable, uplifting experiences, helping families worldwide foster joy while reducing stress. Craig has trained hundreds on the art of working with kids, always aiming to bring out their very best, but it doesn't stop there. Craig also shares his Passion Project, a delightful weekly show he created with his five year old daughter. This show not only entertains but also inspires family to craft their own happy memories together. Tune in as we explore Craig's insights on parenting, drawing from his rich background and infectious enthusiasm. Learn how to turn the mundane into magical moments with your children and embrace a parenting style that's fun, fulfilling and deeply connected. Don't miss this episode packed with practical tips, laughter, music and inspiration to create your own positive family legacy.

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Thank you for tuning in to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.

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Peace be with you and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.