Changing Emotional Legacy- Healing Generational Wounds

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Do you find yourself reacting to your grandchild in the same way your parents reacted to you? So many of us promise to break the cycle only to find old patterns rooted in unhealed wounds showing up in our families. What emotional legacy are you creating? Well, this week we are joined by licensed psychotherapist and generational healing expert, Dr. Sasha Raci. We'll explore how to understand your past, release the weight of shame and regret, and get the practical tools you need to create a future of emotional freedom for yourself and your grandchildren. This is a conversation that will leave you feeling seen, understood, and truly empowered.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing through Adversity.

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In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and explorations, advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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I've had so many moments when my grandchild was upset, and my first instinct was to say something my own mother used to say to me, something that never actually made me feel better as a child. And in that moment, I realize I'm repeating the past. I'm passing down the same emotional legacy.

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And I don't want to do that. I want to choose a new one, a more loving response. And that choice is absolutely at the heart of what we're talking about today.

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I've gotten help. I continue to work on it on a daily basis, but it does matter to me. It takes courage.

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It takes courage to acknowledge those deep emotional patterns.

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But that awareness is the first step toward change.

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And our guest, Dr. Sasha Raci, specializes in helping families do just that. Heal their past stories to change their future. It isn't just a theory. It's essential work for every grandparent who wants a healthier relationship with their family. Today we are joined by Dr.

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Sasha Raci. He's a licensed psychotherapist, an educator in the graduate counseling program at San Jose State University, and serves on the Board of Directors for the American Society of For the Positive Care of children.

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He specializes in helping people understand and change their emotional legacy. Sasha, thank you for bringing your important work to our community today. Thank you so much for having me. It's such an honor. Sasha, in your work, you tell a powerful story about a five year old boy and his mom that perfectly illustrates what you would call the wound and the repair. Could you share that story with our audience just to start us off? Absolutely.

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You know, I got into this work just a little over 10 years ago and I had no idea what I was doing. When I took my first job working in early childhood with community mental health. It wasn't long before I started to learn just a little bit more about attachment and emotional security to better understand just the impact these things have on childhood development, trauma, and even adulthood behavior. And so there was this one time, this little five year old boy just was sitting in my office. They were coming to services for me because they were having a little bit of anxiety and they were sitting in the office with their mom and he was fidgeting with his jacket as his mom was speaking to me. And you know, eager to just get his mom's attention, he was interrupting her and interrupting her and eventually she snapped and said, not now, with this angry look on her face. And so it was in that moment he froze and his eyes shut down completely.

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You could see his shoulders just cave in into his body and you could see him go into this different state. And while I don't blame the mom, in that moment she was having a conversation with me.

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You can't always stop what you're doing and tend to your child.

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I saw moments later what she did. She caught herself even just through our talking, and she was able to pause and she softened and she turned to the boy and she asked and she said, what did you want to tell me? And that's when the boy just in seconds started to open up and express exactly what he wanted to say.

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And so it was in that moment I saw the wound happen for that child who didn't get an emotional need in that moment that started to send his body a message that overwhelmed him and just a little bit, enough, even if it wasn't immediately after enough, I saw that mom repair, as in she had this, what I call this choice point, this moment to return and say, let me jump back in to meet that emotional need for you.

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And it's that moment that can create this emotional ripple effect that can change a family's history.

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That's beautiful. I know I've experienced that with these grandchildren that I'M raising. And their wounds are deep.

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So what they've taught me is that at any time I can repair a wound. Yes, yes. It is never too late for any form of repair to happen. And I'm talking repair in terms of time wise, like, okay, hey, it's been 15 minutes. Oh, that happened an hour ago. Repair. Our children are still always giving us a chance to repair, as humans are.

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Exactly. And that goes beyond, like, time in terms of even age. I have some parents, grandparents, who say, ah, it's too late for me to repair that relationship with my child. And even that, I tell them, it's never too late.

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So how do you think that dynamic of wound and repair intensify when a grandparent in that role, a grandparent who's not only dealing with their own past, but potentially with the trauma their grandchild may have already experienced. That's a great question. And the wound and repair dynamic becomes even more layered when a grandparent steps in, into that parenting role. Because now you're not just holding the emotions of the child, but you're also carrying your own history and even that generational story that exists in between. And so many grandparents are doing, doing something incredibly brave. Like, if you think about it, where they're trying to give safety to a grandchild while still making sense of the things they may not have been given themselves as a child. And in many cases, they're also witnessing the fallout of the trauma that happened in their child's life. Trauma that they may feel guilt about, they may feel confusion about, or maybe even have pain around. And so when I think about it, this is what makes this role both incredibly challenging and incredibly redemptive. Because repair isn't always about getting it perfect. It just means about showing up differently than in a way that came before. It means that we build trust one moment at a time. And when our grandchild sees that, when they feel a caregiver who's steady, kind, and curious, that nervous system of theirs starts to learn something powerful, which is, this is what love can feel like. And so, yes, there may be grief that grandparents carry. There may be this awareness of, I wish I had known this sooner, but there's also this chance in the right here, in the right now to change what that next generation believes about love, safety, and connection.

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You say that old regrettable patterns are rooted not in lack of love, but in unhealed wounds.

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Can you unpack that concept for grandparents who are still struggling with emotional pain and reactions that they may have regretted from something that's happened in the lives of their children, the parents of their grandkids. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, this is something I do say very often to my clients, which is, yeah, most hurtful patterns don't come from a lack of love.

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They come from unhealed pain. And so a grandparent may deeply love their grandchild. You know, a parent can deeply love their child. But when stress hits, when there's yelling, disobedience or shut down, I mean, their body might still go into survival mode. And that reaction has never been about the child in front of them. It's about the child that they once were and what they had to do to feel safe and in control. And so I think about a lot of these grandparents, what they had to go through as a child. I even think about, for some of these grandparents, the environment they had to raise their children in in the first time around. And maybe they had to toughen up.

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Maybe no one did ever gave them space for their feelings. Maybe the environment they were raising their own children in didn't give space for those feelings because it was a survival piece. Maybe for the grandparents in their childhood, they were punished for expressing that need, and they were terrified to give space for their own child to express that need. Those emotional blueprints don't just disappear. They truly live in the nervous system. And so even with all this love in the world, those unhealed wounds can still run the show. But for these grandparents, right, Just noticing the pattern, catching, naming it, that's healing. And when a grandparent can says, hey, what I just did, that wasn't fair to you. I'm still working on that. Whether that's to their grandchild or even to their own child, they're not just modeling that accountability.

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They're breaking a cycle at two different generational points.

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And they're teaching that generation it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to repair. And it's a message that I hope that they can turn inwards to and give themself that grace to have that willingness to grow.

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So what I've seen is the concept of gentle parenting is something that not a lot of people from my generation, maybe even more so than men in my generation understand or can embrace.

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And this might be the first time they're being introduced to it, because this is more common, something we talk about with younger children. And parents of younger children now help me explain to my listeners that are coping with this, maybe in themselves or with a spouse that they're parenting these grandchildren with, what is it that a grandparent can do When a compassionate response doesn't come naturally, how can we help our partners? Or how can we help ourselves to create the space to choose a different path? Absolutely. I love this question because for so many older generations, and I'm not even talking about, like, too much older, like, even the generation before me, this idea of gentle parenting can feel really foreign.

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Or I even think, like, insulting. Not because they don't love their grandkids, but because this whole concept of switch your parenting tactic and be gentle, what it might say to them is, like, what you did before wasn't good enough. And I think for many grandparents that were raised in these households, where love looked like survival, or maybe it was all about structure, obedience, and toughness and not so much about softness or emotional expression.

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So when we talk about these things, like validating feelings or staying calm during a tantrum, I get it. It can trigger something deeper. Like, no one ever gave me that and I turned out fine.

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But often when we unpack, that fine came at the cost of disconnection or shame or even silence. So what I tell grandparents is this.

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Compassion doesn't mean permissiveness.

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Just because we ask you to be kind, it doesn't mean that we lose sight of having to be bigger and stronger and wiser. It means presence. It means staying connected even when things get messy. And if that doesn't come naturally, that's okay because you're starting to relearn what love can look like. Oftentimes, I will hear a parent say that if they're struggling with a child that's gone through a lot of trauma and they're very dysregulated, that the stricter path is more effective. What's your response to that? Now, before you answer that question. Yeah, I know that it's easier from a control standpoint to do that, to say, you're not going to get dinner if you don't do this. And I really get that. I really get that as a parent, that sometimes it's how you get things done. But what is your response to that? You know, it's a great question that you bring up because like I talked about earlier, it's parenting is this beautiful balance of being on one hand, being bigger and stronger, on the other side, being kind and also being that wiser one that knows how to keep the balance between the two. And because we're human and we're not perfect, we do all lose the balance at times. And for our children, when we become really hyper fixated on being the bigger and the stronger one, because we're overwhelmed by their behaviors, or they're not listening to us, or we're getting triggered by their own emotions. The truth of the matter is, is that comes off to our children that we are being mean.

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And for our children, mean is terrifying. Mean teaches our children not to learn exactly how to regulate or how to choose appropriately. It teaches them how to survive.

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And we don't necessarily want to be teaching our children just how to survive in the emotional world. We want to help them teach the real resiliency of how to navigate their emotions, how to work through decision making, etc. Etc. So even when parents think, I got to go all in and be strict, that doesn't mean don't have limits, it doesn't mean don't have consequences, but it means or make choices for your child. But it's about how do you approach it? Do you approach it in a way that comes off to your child as my caregiver is being really mean, they're yelling at me, they're strict, they're threatening to take away love or a basic need as a consequence, the consequence doesn't seem logical to what the disruptive behavior was. Are you going to get mad at me for my feelings and what I'm going through, or can you sit with me and help me understand?

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Because on the other end of it too, is if you do have a caregiver who's too permissive and they get overwhelmed about taking charge and being the bigger and stronger one, that comes off as weak to our children. And being a weak caregiver is just as terrifying as being a mean caregiver. And so it's this beautiful balance, like we talk about, of being able to stay this grounded figure for your child that says, I'm here for you. I got you. I know, I understand. And at the same time, I'm not going to get overwhelmed by you. And if I do, it's my responsibility to come in for the repair so that you know that love does not get lost just because you are struggling. Well, and on that note, these parents that are doing the best job that they can, that when they are too strict at times, and a child always sees love at the end, they can learn that. My grandfather or my grandmother was just never taught that. But I can be better than that. I can do better than that. They can teach us. I always tell the children they can also teach us the external stressors that these grandparents are facing. Both financial hardships, oftentimes legal battles, they're grieving over the loss of their child in Many different kinds of losses. The logistical chaos of having to manage a young child at our age is challenging, as well as the exhaustion of the whole thing.

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From your perspective, how does healing these internal emotional patterns give a family more resilience to handle those logistical circumstances? This is such an important point that you bring up because when families are facing things like legal battles, financial stress, or just even those day to day logistics of raising a child again, it can feel like, okay, who has time for emotional healing? Like there is no time for it. Even the parents and grandparents all around. But the nervous system in this case just doesn't separate emotional stress from life stress. It all lives in the same body. And so the more emotionally dysregulated we are, the harder it becomes to handle practical problems with clarity, with patience, or even with flexibility. I think of it that when a grandparent in this case really starts that healing journey and starts working through these internal patterns, such as maybe like calming their inner critic, naming their emotional triggers, finding ways to create more safety inside themselves, they're not just doing emotional work, they're actually building resilience in their body and in their nervous system. Because now, for example, like, I don't know, when the school decides to call or the lawyer emails or the child has a meltdown, there's more space between the trigger and the reaction. And there's a little bit more of an ability for us to just pause, take a deep breath and choose wisely in this case. And that inner stability, that gap that we create, that's what ripples. It helps the child or children in this case feel safer. It helps promote communication to stay clear between each other, and it even gives the family a stronger foundation to, to face the hardship together. Because together they're saying, we feel safe in our space and in this world.

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So in that sense, healing isn't a luxury, it's kind of a survival tool. And it gives you the strength to keep showing up, not just for your grandchildren, but also for yourself. And. And it's a proven fact that the body and the mind are connected when it comes to wellness.

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Absolutely. My generation just was beginning to understand that. And we're learning that more and more, we can't separate the two. So, very important point.

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Yes. From what I've read about you, your goal is to give people a renewed belief that it is possible to heal the past. How have you seen this deep emotional work connect with a person's core identity, helping them see themselves not as their past or a collection of failures, but as a source of healing? Yes, I love that. That's totally my mission really to help people believe that it's one, never too late to heal. And two, who they are is not defined by the wounds that they carry, but ultimately their willingness to face them and do something about them. And so what I've seen, especially in the grandparents who have been raising grandchildren that come into my office, is that healing isn't just about parenting differently. It goes beyond to that of actually seeing yourself differently. It's about them realizing, I'm not broken, I am becoming. And when someone begins this work really slowing down, getting curious about their reactions, naming their grief instead of running from it, something really profound shifts in them. And what I've seen in them is they stop seeing themselves as these collection of regrets. They begin to recognize their capacity that they carry for repair, the capacity they carry for wisdom, and even the capacity that they have for change. And that shift, it's identity level. Because now these grandparents are coming in and instead of living from shame such as I failed already as a parent, they start living from this idea of legacy such as I'm building something new for this next generation. And healing doesn't mean that past disappears like my clients know that there's an honest acceptance of it, but it does mean that the past stops deciding who you're allowed to be. And that moment of acceptance is where that power lives in that moment that you decide, this pain ends with me and love begins again right here. Beautifully said, Sasha.

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For the grandparent listening right now who feels really stuck in an old cycle, I think your message is powerful and inspiring.

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What is the one compassionate thought or very small action that you want to leave them with? You know, to all the grandparents listening, if you are a grandparent, if you are a parent, if you are a relative of a grandparent out there, if you're out there just feeling stuck, if you're thinking, ah, I keep messing this up, maybe I'm just too late.

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What I want to tell you is this one. You're not broken.

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And more importantly, you are absolutely not beyond repair. You are a human being who learned ways to survive a life that didn't always feel safe. And those patterns that you developed and still may be reciprocated were never about a lack of love. They were always about the pain that had nowhere to go.

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So if you're listening to this and you're realizing, I've raised my voice, I've shut down, I've responded in a way that later left me feeling ashamed and embarrassed, just take a breath and recognize that moment or those moments in the past do not define you and you are allowed to release that shame.

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You are allowed to say, I didn't know then what I know now and I can do differently today. Even that smallest shift, a softer tone, a pause before reacting, repair after a hard moment. It sends a powerful message, which is, I'm still learning and you are still loved, and that is healing in motion. I have learned so much from this conversation, so I want to recap some things that we learned. Correct me wherever you would like.

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We want to begin walking away with understanding why we feel and react the way we do in stressful moments with these grandchildren. We need to give ourselves permission to release the shame, let go of the guilt around our patterns. Let go of the guilt around believing that you failed with your own child and that's why you have this grandchild now. Wherever the guilt and the shame is to begin to give us permission to let go of, they are rooted in our own stories. Once we give ourselves permission to release that shame, then we can begin to heal. And that process teaches our grandchildren to also give themselves permission to do the same because they're doing healing. Absolutely. As we know.

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Also to use some of the tools that Sasha's mentioned today. Start applying them as soon as you can in small ways, little bits, every day. Give yourself permission to use them. Go back over this conversation. Also, I'll be giving you information on how you can hear more about Sasha and his work and get more information if this has resonated with you.

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Also, leave with the conviction that it's possible to heal the past. It's possible to heal every day. Create a new, positive, emotional legacy for your grandchildren. I can't think of anything more valuable than and more important as we leave this world, as we are entering this phase of our life for our family.

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Absolutely. That is beautiful. Thank you so much. Thank you, Sasha. This has been an amazing conversation. You've given us something to think about, a lot to think about and permission to be human and to release shame, which we all need in this world today, and to believe that we can be the ones that can bring change to our family, that can end patterns and leave a greater legacy for our grandchildren. Thank you so much for letting us feel seen, understood, and truly empowered. Tell our listeners where we can find out more about you and learn more about your work. Thank you. That, honestly, it means so much and it's been such an honor to be a part of this community. If any part of this conversation resonated with you as a listener you can find more of my work work on Instagram and TikTok. Dr.

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Sasha Raci. That's where I share a lot of reflections and tools for healing generational patterns, especially in parenting and caregiving relationships. If you are out in California, you can also learn more about my individual therapy, parent coaching and family therapy services through my website www.drsashatherapy.com.

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and truly thank you to every grandparent listening your willingness to just show up to grow even now. It's how you change cycles and I'll. Be sure to put those links in the show notes. Sasha, thank you.

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Absolutely. Thank you so much.

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Dr. Sasha talked about the choice point, the moment we can choose a new response instead of repeating the past. This week I invite you to simply notice one of those moments in your own life. You don't have to be perfect, just aware.

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Share your experience in our online community.

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We love to support you as you take that first step toward healing. To Learn more from Dr. Sasha Raci, you can visit his website at DrSashaTherapy.com you'll also find the link in the show notes and if this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and leave a review. It helps other grandparents find this community and know they're not alone.

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And next week you're in for a real treat when I interview Jane Isay. From a family of psychologists to a storied career as a book editor for Giants in the Field, Jane has dedicated her life to understanding the human mind, but it was the arrival of her grandchildren that really compelled her to become a writer and a mapmaker of the modern family.

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I hope you'll join us as we talk to Jane about the beautiful messiness of family life, the roots that are below the surface, the secrets we keep, and the powerful conversations that can heal generational conflict. This is truly a masterclass from an icon in the field in understanding that in the turbulence of ordinary life, perfection is our lot. And so is love.

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Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.

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Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom. Amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.