Feb. 9, 2026
A Grandmother’s Journey: Reclaiming Dreams While Raising Three Granddaughters
Are you a grandparent whose dreams of quiet dinners and sunset walks have been replaced overnight by diapers, carpool lines, and trauma therapy? Are you struggling to balance your own aspirations, marriage, and wellbeing while raising young children in your golden years? You're not alone. There are 2.7 million of us navigating the messy middle of kinship care, facing daunting legal, financial, and emotional challenges that are often overlooked.
I’m Laura Brazan, and in this episode of "Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity," we share the remarkable story of Ruthie Shofi—a grandmother who put her own retirement dreams on hold to raise three granddaughters after a single phone call changed everything. We dive into real issues like the heartbreak of divided families, the complexity of trauma, and the struggle to advocate for your grandchildren in a system that doesn’t always understand kinship care.
Each week, you'll hear unfiltered stories of resilience, practical advice on managing the chaos, and strategies for reclaiming pieces of your old dreams—even if it means piling into the minivan with air mattresses. Join our supportive community dedicated to honoring your voice and journey while building a legacy for the next generation. Discover resources, expert insight, and inspiration to help you nurture yourself and your grandchildren, rewriting your family's future together.
In this special pre-roll segment, I’m sharing a moving letter from a member of our community, Laurel. Her story of loss, resilience, and raising her grandson after the unthinkable is a raw reminder that none of us are walking this path alone.
We want to hear from you. If Laurel’s story resonates with you, or if you have a journey of your own to share, join our private community. Your story might be the exact lifeline someone else needs to hear today.
Thank you for tuning into today's episode. It's been a journey of shared stories, insights, and invaluable advice from the heart of a community that knows the beauty and challenges of raising grandchildren. Your presence and engagement mean the world to us and to grandparents everywhere stepping up in ways they never imagined.
Remember, you're not alone on this journey. For more resources, support, and stories, visit our website and follow us on our social media channels. If today's episode moved you, consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort and connection in our shared experiences.
We look forward to bringing more stories and expert advice your way next week. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.
Want to be a guest on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity? Send Laura Brazan a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/grg
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"Our path may be difficult, but our presence is unwavering. We are still here. Sending you peace." - Laura Brazan
00:00 - "Ruthie's Journey to Kinship Care"
04:57 - "Reflections of a Party Mom"
08:56 - Resilience and Focus on Grandchildren
12:36 - "Strained Relationships and Heartache"
15:44 - "Parenting Challenges and Family Dynamics"
21:28 - "Emotions, Court, and Custody Struggles"
23:31 - "Embracing Humanity and Growth"
26:50 - "Complex Journey of Custody"
31:41 - Acceptance Amid Life's Challenges
32:39 - "Connecting, Reflecting, and Supporting Community"
38:49 - "Journeying with Kids and Santa"
40:22 - "Staying Grounded Amid Challenges"
42:22 - "Gratitude, Change, and Challenges"
45:29 - "Systems Thinking for Families"
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You've spent years imagining the quiet, the plans were made, the food truck in Florida, the downsized business, the freedom to finally breathe.
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But then a single phone call on December 5th changed everything. Today I'm talking with Ruthie Shoffi, a 60 year old grandmother who went from hosting a Christmas party to raising three granddaughters, ages 2, 4 and 13. Overnight, we're driving into the messy middle of kinship care, the morning tears, the systematic hurdles of birth control without consent, and the agonizing question we all how did this happen? If you've ever felt like you weren't strong enough for this mission, Ruthie's story of moving from shock to glory is the boardroom briefing your soul needs today.
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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
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We'll discuss how we can change the. Course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your your experiences are valued and your journey is honored.
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This week is Valentine's Week. Typically, this is when we focus on romance and those golden year dreams of quiet dinners and sunset walks.
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But for many of us in the 2.7 million, our Valentine looks like a toddler in a diaper or a teenager needing trauma therapy. I connected so deeply with Ruthie's story. Because, like her, I had to make. The agonizing choice to leave parts of my family behind to save the ones who couldn't save themselves.
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We're all asking the same question. Where were we in this story? How do we find the love we. Have for our partners and ourselves when our nest is suddenly overflowing with a second childhood? Ruthie Shoffi isn't just a grandmother, she's a warrior who owned a business for 18 years and is now applying the same CEO mindset to a household of three girls with very different developmental needs. From navigating the mastermind manipulation of sugar sneaking toddlers to fighting the state over the rights of her 13 year old, Ruthie is in the trenches. She's here to help Us bridge the gap between the life we planned and the legacy we are currently building. Ruthie, thanks for coming on the show.
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Thank you for having me. It takes a lot of bravery to. Share our stories and I know we're. Going to be talking about some issues that are sensitive and difficult to talk about. We have emotions and feelings about the. Parents of the kids that we're raising. We have problems with the kids themselves. We don't do this job perfectly.
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Why don't you share with the other grandparents out there your story when you got the kids and how old they are.
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Hi Laurel, thank you so much for having me and for the work that you're doing. I've never been more passionate about something in my life. I am a 60 year old grandma.
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I am raising my three granddaughters that I got on December 5th of 2022. They were 2, 4 and 13 at the time. We're in the beginning of our fourth year and they're thriving and I'm thriving. I'm in it for the long haul.
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My backstory is that I grew up in a family with a musician father and an alcoholic father, grandfathers. As far as what was exposed to me and my children, I as well grew up, I guess being called a party mom but never thinking I was an out of control party mom, but being irresponsible to what I maybe should have been exposing my children to at that time. So I had my first child, Shannon, at 19. I'm raising her children today. Later in life I had two other children and thank you God they're thriving and they're missing me because of the time I've had to sacrifice for their sister over and over the story of raising grandchildren.
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The oldest one is now going to be 17 this coming summer and she's been in and out of my life since she was born. We've had her on and off. The other two I did not.
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The seven year old now lived with us when she was being born, but then my daughter moved back in with her ex boyfriend and they had the third baby. So I was never really close to them because that's when they started to make a bigger mess of their situation. And I was aware, but not to the degree of it because they protected it so well.
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On December 5th of 22 I was given my grandchildren to go to a play and that night my oldest grandchild told me the way they had been living and I contacted social services and they've been with me ever since. At that time I was semi retired from being a hairdresser. I owned a business for 18 years and due to my health and some things changing, I had downsized. So my husband and myself at that time were making plans to go to Florida and start a food truck. You know, we were revamping our winters.
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At least we live in the north where it's cold and we were doing things. And I became a market partner to a brand that I still work with and had literally just went to their seminar in September of 22, had made all these huge plans, had my Christmas party with the people that work with me with this on December 4th, and then got the grandkids on December 5th. In this time, I am now coming out of my true depression. You don't have time to be depressed. You just know that your life is so different.
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It moves at such a fast pace.
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You're involved in the beginning because you wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah. And then after a few months you start to realize this is really reality. Nobody's coming back to pick up these kids. And my husband is amazing. He is my backbone and there's all day. But to change your life to such a degree, every day I would literally wake up crying. That is no exaggeration. Someone is just hollering, saying words I didn't mean.
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I am a faithful person on both sides.
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Was raised with a father who has the world of faith and then a Catholic mom who has a world of God and asking him, why did you hate me so much? How did this happen? They say you give people what they can handle. I most certainly cannot handle this. All.
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All three had different issues. Pretty severe from my daughter and her boyfriend's lifestyle. My 13 year old hadn't been in school since the second week of September and I got them in December and she was in eighth grade. She had become my daughter's best friend and like a little mom to her little sisters. There's again the different stories we all have. And mine I think as well as many are so ugly and deep and they run 20 years long with my daughter's abuse. But this is about having the grandchildren. And that is where my focus and my heart is. I was someone who brought people to have drug seminars in our community to try to stop that, the heroin addiction, and have just watched my daughter repeatedly fall backwards. So I've had to mourn someone who is on the earth who is not involved and take care of these children. And I'm blessed that I've come full circle and the only way I could do it better was to become involved and to Say that I've learned that there is a huge foster care system and thank you, God, there is, because it's needed, but there really is not a system in place. And while I'm blessed I have a great tribe, there are definitely things I see my grandchildren needing that are not provided. And I'm just here to help. Work.
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Yeah. See if we can bring a voice to this. Thank you.
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Because I don't see it change or slowing down. No, unfortunately. Yeah. It's getting worse. It is.
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You mentioned about your other kids suffering. I too have my own children.
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I have other grandchildren. As I mentioned to you.
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We made a move recently to be closer to my husband's family because he has a large family to get help.
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It was a choice I did not want to make. It took me two years to make that decision because I had to leave my own children and my other grandchildren to do this. How are your other children reacting to your situation?
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I'll remind them. It's your nieces. And I'm here because they didn't show up and not have anyone to not want to raise them. And there's really nowhere else for them to be. As terrible as that sounds, it puts it in perspective. If I can keep things pretty cool with everything. But if I become stressed, then they become more stressed and then they can't talk with me or share with me because they don't want to add anything to my life. And I miss that. I miss those relationships with them. They're trying to not blame me either. My son is in Colorado as I'm in Maryland. And then my younger daughter is up in Baltimore and I'm down on the Eastern Shore. She's my closest best friend.
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She's going to be 30 this year. And I try to just always make time for her and just call and send them both texts to keep them knowing how much they're in my heart. I have this little text that's just us three, and I send them out messages of love and hope and let them know I'm thinking of them. I think it's as much for me, of course.
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What about forgiveness as part of this process, forgiving their mother? Where do you think they're at on that?
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I think they're there. I do. I believe it. But watching how broken they are with their sister is. As a mom, it's hard because these were your children. Even though my two younger ones are from one dad and then my older daughter had another dad, they grew up semi close to some level, and she was never. How do I Want to say it. She was never a bad teenager, if you will. She truly was one of the kids in the story that she wasn't an angel, but she wasn't a druggie or running around. She was put on medicine at 20 and now she's 42 and I haven't seen her since for her back.
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And she took it to an extreme and went down the rabbit hole over and over. And so they have a horrible relationship with her. Even if I try to bring her back or around her children or even think about it, because I think maybe I need the help or they need to see her. It's just for one, I think that it's Lem letting me know, mom, why would you do that to yourself again?
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Because you've done this so many times to be let down and they're older and doing so well. But you know that to see that break between my kids, it hurts my heart, but I understand it. We talk with these young kids about tough things we wouldn't want in any other situation to have to discuss with young kids. What's been your experience with that? Do you filter a lot or do you share a lot. With the grandchildren and their situations? My oldest, of course, is fully aware. When I got her, she was in eighth grade and she had straight F's, was suicidal. Her mother and her had partied together. They had drank and smoked pot and she had experienced some other substances with her mom. Her house was a party house. Her sisters were little, and her mom put a couple tattoos on her willingly, not like forcing her to get them. And she was 13 at the time, and 12. So my daughter went to jail for this. And we went through the system where my granddaughter went against her mom because they don't let us in court and her boyfriend to say she. What she had been through. So she's fully aware and there's really no hiding anything from her. I let her know every step her mom's making each week, week or month. The two little ones we just started behavioral therapy with, they did go to trauma therapy as well as Riley. The older one had been with a trauma therapist since like month one. The two little ones I still protect a lot. They think that their dad is away on some job and that my daughter is in college. They don't know the truth.
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They are now turning next month in February.
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One will turn seven on the 12th, and one, I'm sorry, one will turn eight on the 12th, and then one's going to turn six. So there'll be six and eight. They're asking questions.
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Reagan is my seven year old. Rhys is my five year old. And Reagan believes that Reese's dad is her dad because she's lived with him since she was three months old. And she's starting to ask, are you my stepdad? She's figuring out her and her sister have different last names. They're the differences that you start to watch them go through, the things that you realize that you're saying out loud that they really do take in and hear. And then what are they thinking about it? Yeah, it's been a lot.
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The little one has been with me since she was 2 and they visit with the other grandma and that's where the little one's dad is. And they don't see him a lot, but he's the one that's still in denial that he was a great dad and that I got his kids away from him because of my daughter and my oldest granddaughter's mistakes. And I've told him over and over, I said, chris, the state does not take kids from parents doing the job that kids need. We could totally prove that wrong. And so he still lives in a house where he rents a room with eight other guys in the house and works here and there and wants to fight with me about why he doesn't have custody of his kids. And yeah, so it's a constant struggle. Denial is part of mental health and, and a lot of the reasons why all of us, and I'm including myself in that category. As I peel away layers of my own issues which the kids bring me up against constantly, I find another layer and I go, wow, this is about me putting something away somewhere for my own protection or whatever reason it was.
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Because I went through abuse as a kid. It's something that we need to talk about for these kids. The one thing I'm learning, and I'm curious what your experience is to address things by feelings as they come up with the kids, because the kids have a lot of feelings, a lot of very mature feelings.
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Yes, my granddaughter has many issues, but one thing she can do is talk about feelings. So I found that to be a common place where we can meet and I can tell her I'm hurt or she's hurt.
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How do you deal with emotions and feelings when they come up in your household about things that are tough to talk about? Wow, that one's real hard for me because I dealt with their Mom's addiction for 20 years and with her still being in the picture, I dealt with my own emotions in front of what they needed. First. And it took me probably almost this whole three years to be able to say that. And it makes sense to me because I couldn't stop saying, I'm here too. Please, I'm dying here, you guys. Please. What do I do with me? I was in literal shock. I think it was a feeling I'm free of today. Again, I use that word so much because it's where I am. I'm happy, I'm here. But yeah, I stayed that way most of the time and did not know what to do with that. One reason that I had tried a couple different therapy people basically to say, I think my 7 year old is on either autism or the Tourette syndrome spectrum a little bit and that my five year old is, God bless her again, is now we're like best friends. But I dealt with so much of my own anger when I got them. That little baby was like watching when I reflect, a little kid trying to just fend for themselves in full survival mode. Yeah.
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And my anger and emotions truly in the beginning were in front of it. And not to the degree every day that it knocked them down, but to the degree of me helping them figure out what they needed to grow. Because I guess I kept thinking it was going to end. It took me a long time to get to court when that was very challenging. The court system was a whole nother story.
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But yeah, so it was very emotional having workers in your house telling you what to do every week and what to do with the kids and how to do what you're doing and then all of a sudden tell you, oh, we're going to go to court and we're going to give them back to the parents. And you're like, but there's nowhere to give them to. What do you mean? Just. They watched me go through all that and then once it all finally came to a head, I finally started to say more to myself, are you in this because you're going to do better by then? Then you're doing lots better than where they were living, but like really in it for them because they're so little and they're our future and they need the right guidance. So that's when I started to apply what was needed to deal with them better. When we first started doing this, I knew it was the right thing to do.
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Then I went through wondering whether I was the right person to do this for them.
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And I do think at times it's important for people to know when it isn't the right thing to do. My process was messy too. There are times when they saw me fall apart, say things I shouldn't have said. Sometimes I had to forgive myself for that part.
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But I also think that it was really beautiful for the kids and has been and will continue to be, I'm sure even though it's difficult and messy, it's real. This is what happens. They know that I'm a real person and that I fall apart. And you pick yourself back up and you say, I'm going to try and do it better next time. And when you don't quit, when you don't quit and you come up against a wall and you're determined to get through it, you do eventually. But I don't think this messy part ends ever. And I think part of being human is part of that and them seeing that, I don't think I saw that from my parents. And I think one of the things that's evolved over this last four years is, yes, I'm learning how to take care of myself and yet still be an open book to my grandkids.
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And that process has made me a better human being, don't you think? But it's not how I saw life. When I started and when I was young, as open minded and as selfless as I thought I was, I don't think I really was.
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This gift and struggle and blessing of having the grandkids is transformational for us as much as it is for them. I totally agree with you. I do. Yeah. As I say, I was closing my salon of 18 years because of some weakness in my body and my hands. And I'm fully in that place now where it's been some surgeries and things and I don't use it the same, but the wanting to be there for them and the things that you apply different. And I could have stayed where I was angry all the time and I was doing it, still doing it. But I was always going to bed mad and waking up mad or I could find glory in it. And I would say to the other nana, when she would come the first year, she literally had them every weekend. And now I get her maybe a weekend a month. And it's understandable.
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It is. And she knows that she gets to be a grandma and I'm a mom most of the time. So I have to put myself in places where I look at what they're doing and step back and go take it in like a grandma. And as silly as that sounds, you have to separate that and then going over there, going over it is. And a new one that I have just come to this week feeling about it is why has it been so hard? The facts are we're raising children. There are grandchildren, there's somebody's children, but we did not carry them, we did not birth them. But they are children and we did not get them like we are used to. One at a time, with time to get used to them, as you were. I was given three children. My two and four year old came to me in diapers and not eating and not sleeping. They would stay up till midnight watching YouTube videos and sleep till 11 in the morning. And they still have trauma issues. You know, I still came the same way, but I only had two. That was hard enough. I guess I'm blessed because the oldest one I've had, like I said, on and off since her birth. She had been, there's a long story, but she had been living with my ex husband, Shannon, my daughter's dad and his wife in Florida since she was 5. Shannon was living with my parents in North Carolina at that time and had done my parents wrong. Her addiction relapsed and I brought Riley on an emergency junction to live with me. I had already had her from birth to five, on and off. And Shannon gave her to her dad in Florida out of anger to get her away from me that year. So she had been in Florida, she would come spend summers with me but from 5 to 11 and then at 11 she came back to live with her mom.
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And by 13 that was the situation that them two had was this best friend hangout. I've had to figure it out for myself with my daughter. It's tough and to watch Riley go through it. She is now a junior in high school and takes criminal justice in psychology and is a straight A honor roll student and just wants to continue to help children, she says. But so to have her with her sisters I think was a blessing that I did have that third one because she was a big help and comfort for them through the transition.
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I didn't lean on her, I didn't make her a sitter. I still don't very rarely because she was watching them more than her mom was that last year. But she definitely. She actually was just away at Christmas. She flew out to California and visited an uncle and an aunt from her mom's side and the grandfather that passed away son.
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And when she got home she could not hug them. It was like she was. It was just beautiful to see, that's all. Bab3 have such a sister bond. And it's weird because in the beginning I Kept fighting to only get the older to and let the little one stay with the dad because he was in a different situation then. And it was like, don't separate them.
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And now I'm blessed that I didn't even consider it because they really are so used to each other through this time in their life.
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It sounds like, yeah, you've made some very wise decisions with the kids. You feel like you. Truthfully, you think about your options.
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Unfortunately, we don't. You don't have any. The family who's going to pick up little kids and if they do, you got to worry about who that is. But this is the.
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Life is messy and making the best choices out of the most difficult ones is a big part of what we do, unfortunately.
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But it's a big segment of society. So it's a problem that more people need to be doing.
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It takes time. You've mentioned making a change for us. You've made a change for this family of yours, this new nucleus of a family of yours.
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What do you think is the biggest systemic hurdle that you faced in the last three years?
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What's the biggest of all the issues that you've had to overcome or are overcoming now? Wow, that's tough. Yeah. It depends on where you would put me to answer that kind of question. I've ran pretty hard with my state and county with anger issues over the way my grandchildren have been handled. May I ask how old your granddaughter is?
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Laura? She just turned 10. 10.
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So I was 6. So again, when I first got them, my 13 year old was a little out of control and I was reaching for all kinds of therapy for them and because I just didn't know what to do. And the state gave her to a therapist.
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I don't know if this is something that is legal in every state, but in ours they can put your children on birth control at 13 without parental consent. And so they had done that.
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And so on a children's level, I can truly say with them that that was probably one of my toughest issues. Fighting with the. And I don't even know if the word's proper to say that. Fighting with myself, fighting with my state. I went pretty over the top and reached out to everybody and just demanded. How could.
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You didn't have to let me know if she was going to do it or not, but you could have let me know it was an option. I had no idea it was even something that could happen. Yeah, the law.
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But yeah. I truthfully think my biggest acceptance was where I was and how different my Life is now for myself and my husband missing where I went with him and where we were going and saying if I gave him away and I left then I would just be somewhere wondering how they're doing and sad all the time. And so that's not an option. Gosh, if you could just go away with the conscious on you about it.
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But you know it really took me a long time so we just recently had to get back grounded to where were we in this story. And I think that's truly helping us. But yeah, but most of my frustrations is truly just came from dealing with my state and the help that they still give the parents but they don't want to give the grandchildren. Yeah, it's been really hard to take on but yeah, we. I've started. I'm reaching out to community to find more and more because again the more I'm involved I find it easier to be a part of something. So reaching out because I know there are a lot of grandparents in my area that are without resources and just I don't know if I can do anything for one but if I can to just continue to bring us together. And you want to educate as well learning that what I do with these little children. I think I heard you say how you're forever wondering what did I do wrong? What should I have done different? I'm truly analyzing that and looking in at them, the two little ones. Their desire, as simple as it says for sugar is ridiculous. And some days it's okay, but every day and the way they want to cup up and get sneaky and slide along the counter and ask you again and it's as if they've already mastered the manipulation in the connive. And I'm like wow, I think this really started back with your mom then. And I maybe should have paid attention to it a little better because there are masterminds with this and so just trying to be mindful there. Yeah, yeah, I have. The nine year old is always doing that. Yeah. Oh gosh, I can so relate. Yeah, it's really easy to slip into the mindset of that manipulating mind. They do certain things and you go oh, they got that from their mom or they got that from their dad and remembering that they're just children sometimes but they're. It's so great to hear somebody else's story because I go oh yes, I. Have another friend, I have another mother. That'S going through that too because it's crazy. Yes, it's crazy stuff.
00:34:29.559 --> 00:34:40.599
It's crazy stuff to have to think about. And it helps so much to hear another story. That's why we need to share our stories. Why don't you share with us how you and Brian.
00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:48.519
You did tell me that you're just getting back in touch with. Where were we in this story?
00:34:48.680 --> 00:35:01.250
How do you protect your partnership while you're managing these three children that are all in different developmental stages? Yes.
00:35:01.970 --> 00:35:44.059
Oh, my gosh. Again, I couldn't do it without him, but I'm gonna, I think, soon find out. As crazy as it sounds, we've been given an opportunity for him to go down and try something we've been wanting to do in Florida for a little while. So I think by trying to put our dream back on the map and doing it slowly and realistically as we can and not ignore it is giving us both. If you can hear this interview. Is about something I'm so seriously passionate about, I might sound a little bit of a pep in my step because my energy with him. We are literally just working on this right now.
00:35:44.380 --> 00:35:58.320
So just trying to. What was funny, too, is if you ever had what we call Yes, I am. And that. And I posted today that if your dreams again aren't big enough, they don't scare you. They're not big enough.
00:35:59.039 --> 00:36:30.800
So I'm in. Good. But we. The date night. Going out with your husband or having a date night. We made it. When the kids would go to school, we started taking off once in a while, like a half an hour later, and going to our favorite diner and having breakfast and sitting there and having coffee and talking forever. And in a place that we're friendly with people. So they went and asked us to leave. And they know. And they would be like, oh, just sit and have your coffee. And we're like, this is our date breakfast. And sometimes it would be a date lunch.
00:36:31.360 --> 00:36:50.159
But so. Yeah. And then just try to again. I think he keeps me grounded more. I think I throw it away more, and he brings me back around. But right now, we're just trying to reach back out towards one of our goals, and I think it's adding some life back to us. Yeah. That's wonderful.
00:36:50.239 --> 00:37:04.960
Yeah. One thing that we did do that is similar to that is that we both love being near water. We moved from one part of Montana on a river to another place where there was a river.
00:37:05.360 --> 00:37:34.869
Right now, we're an hour from half the family and half an hour from the rest of the family. But this show is being released the week of Valentine's Day. I think what you're talking about Is really important. Find a piece of the dream that you had. Where were we in this story? Get back to that for Valentine's Day. Just a piece of it. Whether it's to talk about it or make a little plan that's similar to it or start dreaming about it.
00:37:36.630 --> 00:37:55.170
I always say dreaming is free. Because I love it. Yes, for three years now, we again live in Maryland, but we had purchased a little property on the east coast in Florida in Vera beach area, like right down from Melbourne and all that. Little.
00:37:55.170 --> 00:38:13.269
Our house here is little, but that house is little. So we try to get down there. My husband does the work and he can work on it. We have gone on vacation three times. My neighbor moved to that neighborhood. And so we literally sleep on air mattresses in her one bedroom, little apartment floor.
00:38:13.829 --> 00:38:58.590
And we just got back from 16 days down there and we rent a minivan. And here we go, guys. And this is what we're doing. And everybody has what they need and we, we bring extra books and they love it. They've said they miss it because now it's so cold back here. And. But it may be a little non traditional for the holiday, but life is non traditional. Santa shows up everywhere and they know that. And as you're saying, we had to be able to do what we needed to as well. And it was like we got to incorporate them because we can't leave them home and nobody here can have them right now. So let's just go.
00:38:58.750 --> 00:39:20.840
This is our third trip. Yeah. Taking them down there on this long ride. That boy do I remember going to my grandma's in North Carolina and saying, how much longer? And my 7 year old will ask that 10,000 times. But we just make the best of it. And it is a good trip. It's a great time, great memories. I love that.
00:39:21.320 --> 00:40:05.110
Thanks for sharing that. Yes. What would you say to the grandparent who's currently in year one and feels like they'll never reach year three? Grandparent warriors doing this work now I black out my mind to what I want to tell them that I know they would love to hear. And I think it was just yesterday that I told someone. This person asked, how would you give a child back? They've had them about a year. It's an aunt. It's not a grandparent, it's a, an aunt. It's her sister's grandchild or something. And I just said to remind yourself that this child did not ask to be born in a messy situation.
00:40:06.230 --> 00:41:24.860
To know that it does change, to reach for resources, to Try to create a tribe if you can find any help. And I know how difficult that is, even in little segments to just get somebody a couple days a week, little breaks, but to just try to keep yourself grounded for their sake. Because again, they didn't ask to be there either. And I think a lot of our anger to not want to do the work, and of course it's that we're tired and we're older and we don't know how, but the mindset of how what we're doing is, it keeps it a little bit harder. Yeah, I just tell them that I understand and that you really just kind of try not to negotiate with yourself because if you do, your mind will win every time. So if you can tell yourself this is what I'm doing right now and make the best of it, and then like you're telling me or we're sharing to try to find some time for yourself so that you can get the energy to get back up. And I've as well told people that it's okay if you can't and don't beat yourself up. Amen. That you. We are here for what's best for everyone. Of course, the kids, but for everyone. I've said reach out and let's look for resources for your help.
00:41:25.500 --> 00:42:09.369
Don't be sad if you can't. Yes, there are lots of options. I just encourage people to never think of it as a dead end if you're not sure what to do. There's always a way through and that's why we should reach out. And I do recommend people to do that. Ruthie, thanks. Thank you so much for doing this. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy life. I really love connecting with you and I hope more moms will do the same, more grandparents will do the same because these stories do make a difference. I guarantee you there'll be somebody out there that will write in. It happens all the time. Thanks for your story. It's a story I needed to hear.
00:42:10.730 --> 00:42:21.900
There's so many of us going through the same thing and it connects us all in a spiritual way. I'm thankful to be here. I hope to continue to be a part of a change again.
00:42:21.900 --> 00:42:25.619
My little girls are blessed with what they have and we can do for them.
00:42:26.019 --> 00:42:33.300
But I have two little girls right now that want to start gymnastics that's so expensive and we just don't get the help.
00:42:33.300 --> 00:43:31.159
And my other real quick point would be if I could make a change, it would be when you are dealing with children that are drug addicts it's hard to bring any type of unification when HIPAA is in there and you can't speak to the other side. So I find it to me to be full circle for the kids sake and to get the truth out earlier would be important. But I'm thankful that you could have me and I look forward to listening to much more of your podcasts and I thank you so much for what you do for the community. My pleasure. Thanks Ruthie Ruthie described to us the first few months as a blur of not having time to be depressed, followed by the crushing realization that nobody's coming. Back to pick up these kids. Why keeping the 24 and 13 year old together despite the difficulty created a sister bond that became their strongest internal support system.
00:43:31.719 --> 00:43:42.889
And why protecting the partnership by reclaiming so small non traditional pockets of time like breakfast after school drop off to reconnect on the dream that was sidelined is so important.
00:43:44.250 --> 00:43:54.489
Step into the reflection room with me. It's Valentine's week and Ruthie asked a question that stopped me in my tracks. Where were we in this story?
00:43:55.210 --> 00:44:17.219
As the invisible CEO, it's so easy to let the rescue mission swallow the marriage. We get so busy being parents that we forget to be partners or even individuals with our own dreams. Your challenge this week, Valentine's Week is to find a piece of the dream you had before the phone rang.
00:44:18.019 --> 00:45:22.009
Maybe it's a trip you planned, a hobby you loved, or just a specific diner you enjoyed. Don't ignore it. Even if you have to bring the kids along in a minivan with air mattresses like Ruthie did, find a way to incorporate the old you into the new mission. I've always said dreaming is free. Don't let the mission bankrupt your imagination. Family. Next week is a landmark moment for us. Episode 100 When I started this project, I was a grandmother with a journal and a heavy heart just trying to survive. The rescue mission. Today we are movement 2.7 million strong. We're number one on Apple and Spotify for grandparents raising grandchildren. It's been four years for me and I've learned so much. We've moved from the second cradle to the boardroom, but as we scale, we hit a wall. The invisible overhead.
00:45:22.889 --> 00:45:33.529
Most of us are trying to manage a mid sized organization, juggling the IEPs, therapy schedules and legal mazes on a retirement bandwidth.
00:45:34.570 --> 00:46:24.130
To help us solve this, I've brought in a Chief Operating Officer. Pat Henken is a business professional, finance expert and author of the Field Guide for Single Parents. She manages a community of 470,000 members with a no fluff systems based approach. Pat will be here to help us move from survival mode to systems thinking so we can stop fighting fires and start leading our families. It's our centennial celebration, so I hope. You won't miss it. We are 2.7 million strong, still nurturing, still sacrificing, and still here. Remember, life is non traditional, but your presence is the anchor. I'm Laura Brazan and I'll see you in the next boardroom.
00:00:00.560 --> 00:00:10.880
You've spent years imagining the quiet, the plans were made, the food truck in Florida, the downsized business, the freedom to finally breathe.
00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:52.630
But then a single phone call on December 5th changed everything. Today I'm talking with Ruthie Shoffi, a 60 year old grandmother who went from hosting a Christmas party to raising three granddaughters, ages 2, 4 and 13. Overnight, we're driving into the messy middle of kinship care, the morning tears, the systematic hurdles of birth control without consent, and the agonizing question we all how did this happen? If you've ever felt like you weren't strong enough for this mission, Ruthie's story of moving from shock to glory is the boardroom briefing your soul needs today.
00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:45.549
Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
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We'll discuss how we can change the. Course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your your experiences are valued and your journey is honored.
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This week is Valentine's Week. Typically, this is when we focus on romance and those golden year dreams of quiet dinners and sunset walks.
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But for many of us in the 2.7 million, our Valentine looks like a toddler in a diaper or a teenager needing trauma therapy. I connected so deeply with Ruthie's story. Because, like her, I had to make. The agonizing choice to leave parts of my family behind to save the ones who couldn't save themselves.
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We're all asking the same question. Where were we in this story? How do we find the love we. Have for our partners and ourselves when our nest is suddenly overflowing with a second childhood? Ruthie Shoffi isn't just a grandmother, she's a warrior who owned a business for 18 years and is now applying the same CEO mindset to a household of three girls with very different developmental needs. From navigating the mastermind manipulation of sugar sneaking toddlers to fighting the state over the rights of her 13 year old, Ruthie is in the trenches. She's here to help Us bridge the gap between the life we planned and the legacy we are currently building. Ruthie, thanks for coming on the show.
00:03:45.550 --> 00:04:04.520
Thank you for having me. It takes a lot of bravery to. Share our stories and I know we're. Going to be talking about some issues that are sensitive and difficult to talk about. We have emotions and feelings about the. Parents of the kids that we're raising. We have problems with the kids themselves. We don't do this job perfectly.
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Why don't you share with the other grandparents out there your story when you got the kids and how old they are.
00:04:12.919 --> 00:04:23.800
Hi Laurel, thank you so much for having me and for the work that you're doing. I've never been more passionate about something in my life. I am a 60 year old grandma.
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I am raising my three granddaughters that I got on December 5th of 2022. They were 2, 4 and 13 at the time. We're in the beginning of our fourth year and they're thriving and I'm thriving. I'm in it for the long haul.
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My backstory is that I grew up in a family with a musician father and an alcoholic father, grandfathers. As far as what was exposed to me and my children, I as well grew up, I guess being called a party mom but never thinking I was an out of control party mom, but being irresponsible to what I maybe should have been exposing my children to at that time. So I had my first child, Shannon, at 19. I'm raising her children today. Later in life I had two other children and thank you God they're thriving and they're missing me because of the time I've had to sacrifice for their sister over and over the story of raising grandchildren.
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The oldest one is now going to be 17 this coming summer and she's been in and out of my life since she was born. We've had her on and off. The other two I did not.
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The seven year old now lived with us when she was being born, but then my daughter moved back in with her ex boyfriend and they had the third baby. So I was never really close to them because that's when they started to make a bigger mess of their situation. And I was aware, but not to the degree of it because they protected it so well.
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On December 5th of 22 I was given my grandchildren to go to a play and that night my oldest grandchild told me the way they had been living and I contacted social services and they've been with me ever since. At that time I was semi retired from being a hairdresser. I owned a business for 18 years and due to my health and some things changing, I had downsized. So my husband and myself at that time were making plans to go to Florida and start a food truck. You know, we were revamping our winters.
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At least we live in the north where it's cold and we were doing things. And I became a market partner to a brand that I still work with and had literally just went to their seminar in September of 22, had made all these huge plans, had my Christmas party with the people that work with me with this on December 4th, and then got the grandkids on December 5th. In this time, I am now coming out of my true depression. You don't have time to be depressed. You just know that your life is so different.
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It moves at such a fast pace.
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You're involved in the beginning because you wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah. And then after a few months you start to realize this is really reality. Nobody's coming back to pick up these kids. And my husband is amazing. He is my backbone and there's all day. But to change your life to such a degree, every day I would literally wake up crying. That is no exaggeration. Someone is just hollering, saying words I didn't mean.
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I am a faithful person on both sides.
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Was raised with a father who has the world of faith and then a Catholic mom who has a world of God and asking him, why did you hate me so much? How did this happen? They say you give people what they can handle. I most certainly cannot handle this. All.
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All three had different issues. Pretty severe from my daughter and her boyfriend's lifestyle. My 13 year old hadn't been in school since the second week of September and I got them in December and she was in eighth grade. She had become my daughter's best friend and like a little mom to her little sisters. There's again the different stories we all have. And mine I think as well as many are so ugly and deep and they run 20 years long with my daughter's abuse. But this is about having the grandchildren. And that is where my focus and my heart is. I was someone who brought people to have drug seminars in our community to try to stop that, the heroin addiction, and have just watched my daughter repeatedly fall backwards. So I've had to mourn someone who is on the earth who is not involved and take care of these children. And I'm blessed that I've come full circle and the only way I could do it better was to become involved and to Say that I've learned that there is a huge foster care system and thank you, God, there is, because it's needed, but there really is not a system in place. And while I'm blessed I have a great tribe, there are definitely things I see my grandchildren needing that are not provided. And I'm just here to help. Work.
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Yeah. See if we can bring a voice to this. Thank you.
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Because I don't see it change or slowing down. No, unfortunately. Yeah. It's getting worse. It is.
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You mentioned about your other kids suffering. I too have my own children.
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I have other grandchildren. As I mentioned to you.
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We made a move recently to be closer to my husband's family because he has a large family to get help.
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It was a choice I did not want to make. It took me two years to make that decision because I had to leave my own children and my other grandchildren to do this. How are your other children reacting to your situation?
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I'll remind them. It's your nieces. And I'm here because they didn't show up and not have anyone to not want to raise them. And there's really nowhere else for them to be. As terrible as that sounds, it puts it in perspective. If I can keep things pretty cool with everything. But if I become stressed, then they become more stressed and then they can't talk with me or share with me because they don't want to add anything to my life. And I miss that. I miss those relationships with them. They're trying to not blame me either. My son is in Colorado as I'm in Maryland. And then my younger daughter is up in Baltimore and I'm down on the Eastern Shore. She's my closest best friend.
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She's going to be 30 this year. And I try to just always make time for her and just call and send them both texts to keep them knowing how much they're in my heart. I have this little text that's just us three, and I send them out messages of love and hope and let them know I'm thinking of them. I think it's as much for me, of course.
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What about forgiveness as part of this process, forgiving their mother? Where do you think they're at on that?
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I think they're there. I do. I believe it. But watching how broken they are with their sister is. As a mom, it's hard because these were your children. Even though my two younger ones are from one dad and then my older daughter had another dad, they grew up semi close to some level, and she was never. How do I Want to say it. She was never a bad teenager, if you will. She truly was one of the kids in the story that she wasn't an angel, but she wasn't a druggie or running around. She was put on medicine at 20 and now she's 42 and I haven't seen her since for her back.
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And she took it to an extreme and went down the rabbit hole over and over. And so they have a horrible relationship with her. Even if I try to bring her back or around her children or even think about it, because I think maybe I need the help or they need to see her. It's just for one, I think that it's Lem letting me know, mom, why would you do that to yourself again?
00:13:15.240 --> 00:15:15.870
Because you've done this so many times to be let down and they're older and doing so well. But you know that to see that break between my kids, it hurts my heart, but I understand it. We talk with these young kids about tough things we wouldn't want in any other situation to have to discuss with young kids. What's been your experience with that? Do you filter a lot or do you share a lot. With the grandchildren and their situations? My oldest, of course, is fully aware. When I got her, she was in eighth grade and she had straight F's, was suicidal. Her mother and her had partied together. They had drank and smoked pot and she had experienced some other substances with her mom. Her house was a party house. Her sisters were little, and her mom put a couple tattoos on her willingly, not like forcing her to get them. And she was 13 at the time, and 12. So my daughter went to jail for this. And we went through the system where my granddaughter went against her mom because they don't let us in court and her boyfriend to say she. What she had been through. So she's fully aware and there's really no hiding anything from her. I let her know every step her mom's making each week, week or month. The two little ones we just started behavioral therapy with, they did go to trauma therapy as well as Riley. The older one had been with a trauma therapist since like month one. The two little ones I still protect a lot. They think that their dad is away on some job and that my daughter is in college. They don't know the truth.
00:15:16.830 --> 00:15:20.110
They are now turning next month in February.
00:15:20.669 --> 00:15:31.549
One will turn seven on the 12th, and one, I'm sorry, one will turn eight on the 12th, and then one's going to turn six. So there'll be six and eight. They're asking questions.
00:15:31.789 --> 00:16:04.580
Reagan is my seven year old. Rhys is my five year old. And Reagan believes that Reese's dad is her dad because she's lived with him since she was three months old. And she's starting to ask, are you my stepdad? She's figuring out her and her sister have different last names. They're the differences that you start to watch them go through, the things that you realize that you're saying out loud that they really do take in and hear. And then what are they thinking about it? Yeah, it's been a lot.
00:16:04.740 --> 00:17:29.329
The little one has been with me since she was 2 and they visit with the other grandma and that's where the little one's dad is. And they don't see him a lot, but he's the one that's still in denial that he was a great dad and that I got his kids away from him because of my daughter and my oldest granddaughter's mistakes. And I've told him over and over, I said, chris, the state does not take kids from parents doing the job that kids need. We could totally prove that wrong. And so he still lives in a house where he rents a room with eight other guys in the house and works here and there and wants to fight with me about why he doesn't have custody of his kids. And yeah, so it's a constant struggle. Denial is part of mental health and, and a lot of the reasons why all of us, and I'm including myself in that category. As I peel away layers of my own issues which the kids bring me up against constantly, I find another layer and I go, wow, this is about me putting something away somewhere for my own protection or whatever reason it was.
00:17:29.809 --> 00:19:34.529
Because I went through abuse as a kid. It's something that we need to talk about for these kids. The one thing I'm learning, and I'm curious what your experience is to address things by feelings as they come up with the kids, because the kids have a lot of feelings, a lot of very mature feelings.
00:19:36.779 --> 00:19:51.420
Yes, my granddaughter has many issues, but one thing she can do is talk about feelings. So I found that to be a common place where we can meet and I can tell her I'm hurt or she's hurt.
00:19:52.460 --> 00:21:21.889
How do you deal with emotions and feelings when they come up in your household about things that are tough to talk about? Wow, that one's real hard for me because I dealt with their Mom's addiction for 20 years and with her still being in the picture, I dealt with my own emotions in front of what they needed. First. And it took me probably almost this whole three years to be able to say that. And it makes sense to me because I couldn't stop saying, I'm here too. Please, I'm dying here, you guys. Please. What do I do with me? I was in literal shock. I think it was a feeling I'm free of today. Again, I use that word so much because it's where I am. I'm happy, I'm here. But yeah, I stayed that way most of the time and did not know what to do with that. One reason that I had tried a couple different therapy people basically to say, I think my 7 year old is on either autism or the Tourette syndrome spectrum a little bit and that my five year old is, God bless her again, is now we're like best friends. But I dealt with so much of my own anger when I got them. That little baby was like watching when I reflect, a little kid trying to just fend for themselves in full survival mode. Yeah.
00:21:21.970 --> 00:21:46.430
And my anger and emotions truly in the beginning were in front of it. And not to the degree every day that it knocked them down, but to the degree of me helping them figure out what they needed to grow. Because I guess I kept thinking it was going to end. It took me a long time to get to court when that was very challenging. The court system was a whole nother story.
00:21:46.909 --> 00:22:37.950
But yeah, so it was very emotional having workers in your house telling you what to do every week and what to do with the kids and how to do what you're doing and then all of a sudden tell you, oh, we're going to go to court and we're going to give them back to the parents. And you're like, but there's nowhere to give them to. What do you mean? Just. They watched me go through all that and then once it all finally came to a head, I finally started to say more to myself, are you in this because you're going to do better by then? Then you're doing lots better than where they were living, but like really in it for them because they're so little and they're our future and they need the right guidance. So that's when I started to apply what was needed to deal with them better. When we first started doing this, I knew it was the right thing to do.
00:22:38.430 --> 00:22:46.190
Then I went through wondering whether I was the right person to do this for them.
00:22:47.629 --> 00:23:10.779
And I do think at times it's important for people to know when it isn't the right thing to do. My process was messy too. There are times when they saw me fall apart, say things I shouldn't have said. Sometimes I had to forgive myself for that part.
00:23:11.579 --> 00:24:10.980
But I also think that it was really beautiful for the kids and has been and will continue to be, I'm sure even though it's difficult and messy, it's real. This is what happens. They know that I'm a real person and that I fall apart. And you pick yourself back up and you say, I'm going to try and do it better next time. And when you don't quit, when you don't quit and you come up against a wall and you're determined to get through it, you do eventually. But I don't think this messy part ends ever. And I think part of being human is part of that and them seeing that, I don't think I saw that from my parents. And I think one of the things that's evolved over this last four years is, yes, I'm learning how to take care of myself and yet still be an open book to my grandkids.
00:24:11.700 --> 00:24:31.930
And that process has made me a better human being, don't you think? But it's not how I saw life. When I started and when I was young, as open minded and as selfless as I thought I was, I don't think I really was.
00:24:33.210 --> 00:25:34.740
This gift and struggle and blessing of having the grandkids is transformational for us as much as it is for them. I totally agree with you. I do. Yeah. As I say, I was closing my salon of 18 years because of some weakness in my body and my hands. And I'm fully in that place now where it's been some surgeries and things and I don't use it the same, but the wanting to be there for them and the things that you apply different. And I could have stayed where I was angry all the time and I was doing it, still doing it. But I was always going to bed mad and waking up mad or I could find glory in it. And I would say to the other nana, when she would come the first year, she literally had them every weekend. And now I get her maybe a weekend a month. And it's understandable.
00:25:34.740 --> 00:27:31.549
It is. And she knows that she gets to be a grandma and I'm a mom most of the time. So I have to put myself in places where I look at what they're doing and step back and go take it in like a grandma. And as silly as that sounds, you have to separate that and then going over there, going over it is. And a new one that I have just come to this week feeling about it is why has it been so hard? The facts are we're raising children. There are grandchildren, there's somebody's children, but we did not carry them, we did not birth them. But they are children and we did not get them like we are used to. One at a time, with time to get used to them, as you were. I was given three children. My two and four year old came to me in diapers and not eating and not sleeping. They would stay up till midnight watching YouTube videos and sleep till 11 in the morning. And they still have trauma issues. You know, I still came the same way, but I only had two. That was hard enough. I guess I'm blessed because the oldest one I've had, like I said, on and off since her birth. She had been, there's a long story, but she had been living with my ex husband, Shannon, my daughter's dad and his wife in Florida since she was 5. Shannon was living with my parents in North Carolina at that time and had done my parents wrong. Her addiction relapsed and I brought Riley on an emergency junction to live with me. I had already had her from birth to five, on and off. And Shannon gave her to her dad in Florida out of anger to get her away from me that year. So she had been in Florida, she would come spend summers with me but from 5 to 11 and then at 11 she came back to live with her mom.
00:27:32.109 --> 00:28:04.720
And by 13 that was the situation that them two had was this best friend hangout. I've had to figure it out for myself with my daughter. It's tough and to watch Riley go through it. She is now a junior in high school and takes criminal justice in psychology and is a straight A honor roll student and just wants to continue to help children, she says. But so to have her with her sisters I think was a blessing that I did have that third one because she was a big help and comfort for them through the transition.
00:28:06.159 --> 00:28:28.079
I didn't lean on her, I didn't make her a sitter. I still don't very rarely because she was watching them more than her mom was that last year. But she definitely. She actually was just away at Christmas. She flew out to California and visited an uncle and an aunt from her mom's side and the grandfather that passed away son.
00:28:28.779 --> 00:28:50.700
And when she got home she could not hug them. It was like she was. It was just beautiful to see, that's all. Bab3 have such a sister bond. And it's weird because in the beginning I Kept fighting to only get the older to and let the little one stay with the dad because he was in a different situation then. And it was like, don't separate them.
00:28:50.700 --> 00:28:57.889
And now I'm blessed that I didn't even consider it because they really are so used to each other through this time in their life.
00:28:58.930 --> 00:29:08.930
It sounds like, yeah, you've made some very wise decisions with the kids. You feel like you. Truthfully, you think about your options.
00:29:09.490 --> 00:29:19.649
Unfortunately, we don't. You don't have any. The family who's going to pick up little kids and if they do, you got to worry about who that is. But this is the.
00:29:21.099 --> 00:29:31.180
Life is messy and making the best choices out of the most difficult ones is a big part of what we do, unfortunately.
00:29:32.220 --> 00:29:40.139
But it's a big segment of society. So it's a problem that more people need to be doing.
00:29:40.940 --> 00:29:52.869
It takes time. You've mentioned making a change for us. You've made a change for this family of yours, this new nucleus of a family of yours.
00:29:53.029 --> 00:30:00.470
What do you think is the biggest systemic hurdle that you faced in the last three years?
00:30:00.549 --> 00:30:25.889
What's the biggest of all the issues that you've had to overcome or are overcoming now? Wow, that's tough. Yeah. It depends on where you would put me to answer that kind of question. I've ran pretty hard with my state and county with anger issues over the way my grandchildren have been handled. May I ask how old your granddaughter is?
00:30:25.970 --> 00:30:29.649
Laura? She just turned 10. 10.
00:30:29.889 --> 00:30:48.409
So I was 6. So again, when I first got them, my 13 year old was a little out of control and I was reaching for all kinds of therapy for them and because I just didn't know what to do. And the state gave her to a therapist.
00:30:48.409 --> 00:31:03.289
I don't know if this is something that is legal in every state, but in ours they can put your children on birth control at 13 without parental consent. And so they had done that.
00:31:03.450 --> 00:31:26.119
And so on a children's level, I can truly say with them that that was probably one of my toughest issues. Fighting with the. And I don't even know if the word's proper to say that. Fighting with myself, fighting with my state. I went pretty over the top and reached out to everybody and just demanded. How could.
00:31:26.119 --> 00:31:34.079
You didn't have to let me know if she was going to do it or not, but you could have let me know it was an option. I had no idea it was even something that could happen. Yeah, the law.
00:31:34.480 --> 00:32:04.029
But yeah. I truthfully think my biggest acceptance was where I was and how different my Life is now for myself and my husband missing where I went with him and where we were going and saying if I gave him away and I left then I would just be somewhere wondering how they're doing and sad all the time. And so that's not an option. Gosh, if you could just go away with the conscious on you about it.
00:32:04.349 --> 00:34:29.159
But you know it really took me a long time so we just recently had to get back grounded to where were we in this story. And I think that's truly helping us. But yeah, but most of my frustrations is truly just came from dealing with my state and the help that they still give the parents but they don't want to give the grandchildren. Yeah, it's been really hard to take on but yeah, we. I've started. I'm reaching out to community to find more and more because again the more I'm involved I find it easier to be a part of something. So reaching out because I know there are a lot of grandparents in my area that are without resources and just I don't know if I can do anything for one but if I can to just continue to bring us together. And you want to educate as well learning that what I do with these little children. I think I heard you say how you're forever wondering what did I do wrong? What should I have done different? I'm truly analyzing that and looking in at them, the two little ones. Their desire, as simple as it says for sugar is ridiculous. And some days it's okay, but every day and the way they want to cup up and get sneaky and slide along the counter and ask you again and it's as if they've already mastered the manipulation in the connive. And I'm like wow, I think this really started back with your mom then. And I maybe should have paid attention to it a little better because there are masterminds with this and so just trying to be mindful there. Yeah, yeah, I have. The nine year old is always doing that. Yeah. Oh gosh, I can so relate. Yeah, it's really easy to slip into the mindset of that manipulating mind. They do certain things and you go oh, they got that from their mom or they got that from their dad and remembering that they're just children sometimes but they're. It's so great to hear somebody else's story because I go oh yes, I. Have another friend, I have another mother. That'S going through that too because it's crazy. Yes, it's crazy stuff.
00:34:29.559 --> 00:34:40.599
It's crazy stuff to have to think about. And it helps so much to hear another story. That's why we need to share our stories. Why don't you share with us how you and Brian.
00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:48.519
You did tell me that you're just getting back in touch with. Where were we in this story?
00:34:48.680 --> 00:35:01.250
How do you protect your partnership while you're managing these three children that are all in different developmental stages? Yes.
00:35:01.970 --> 00:35:44.059
Oh, my gosh. Again, I couldn't do it without him, but I'm gonna, I think, soon find out. As crazy as it sounds, we've been given an opportunity for him to go down and try something we've been wanting to do in Florida for a little while. So I think by trying to put our dream back on the map and doing it slowly and realistically as we can and not ignore it is giving us both. If you can hear this interview. Is about something I'm so seriously passionate about, I might sound a little bit of a pep in my step because my energy with him. We are literally just working on this right now.
00:35:44.380 --> 00:35:58.320
So just trying to. What was funny, too, is if you ever had what we call Yes, I am. And that. And I posted today that if your dreams again aren't big enough, they don't scare you. They're not big enough.
00:35:59.039 --> 00:36:30.800
So I'm in. Good. But we. The date night. Going out with your husband or having a date night. We made it. When the kids would go to school, we started taking off once in a while, like a half an hour later, and going to our favorite diner and having breakfast and sitting there and having coffee and talking forever. And in a place that we're friendly with people. So they went and asked us to leave. And they know. And they would be like, oh, just sit and have your coffee. And we're like, this is our date breakfast. And sometimes it would be a date lunch.
00:36:31.360 --> 00:36:50.159
But so. Yeah. And then just try to again. I think he keeps me grounded more. I think I throw it away more, and he brings me back around. But right now, we're just trying to reach back out towards one of our goals, and I think it's adding some life back to us. Yeah. That's wonderful.
00:36:50.239 --> 00:37:04.960
Yeah. One thing that we did do that is similar to that is that we both love being near water. We moved from one part of Montana on a river to another place where there was a river.
00:37:05.360 --> 00:37:34.869
Right now, we're an hour from half the family and half an hour from the rest of the family. But this show is being released the week of Valentine's Day. I think what you're talking about Is really important. Find a piece of the dream that you had. Where were we in this story? Get back to that for Valentine's Day. Just a piece of it. Whether it's to talk about it or make a little plan that's similar to it or start dreaming about it.
00:37:36.630 --> 00:37:55.170
I always say dreaming is free. Because I love it. Yes, for three years now, we again live in Maryland, but we had purchased a little property on the east coast in Florida in Vera beach area, like right down from Melbourne and all that. Little.
00:37:55.170 --> 00:38:13.269
Our house here is little, but that house is little. So we try to get down there. My husband does the work and he can work on it. We have gone on vacation three times. My neighbor moved to that neighborhood. And so we literally sleep on air mattresses in her one bedroom, little apartment floor.
00:38:13.829 --> 00:38:58.590
And we just got back from 16 days down there and we rent a minivan. And here we go, guys. And this is what we're doing. And everybody has what they need and we, we bring extra books and they love it. They've said they miss it because now it's so cold back here. And. But it may be a little non traditional for the holiday, but life is non traditional. Santa shows up everywhere and they know that. And as you're saying, we had to be able to do what we needed to as well. And it was like we got to incorporate them because we can't leave them home and nobody here can have them right now. So let's just go.
00:38:58.750 --> 00:39:20.840
This is our third trip. Yeah. Taking them down there on this long ride. That boy do I remember going to my grandma's in North Carolina and saying, how much longer? And my 7 year old will ask that 10,000 times. But we just make the best of it. And it is a good trip. It's a great time, great memories. I love that.
00:39:21.320 --> 00:40:05.110
Thanks for sharing that. Yes. What would you say to the grandparent who's currently in year one and feels like they'll never reach year three? Grandparent warriors doing this work now I black out my mind to what I want to tell them that I know they would love to hear. And I think it was just yesterday that I told someone. This person asked, how would you give a child back? They've had them about a year. It's an aunt. It's not a grandparent, it's a, an aunt. It's her sister's grandchild or something. And I just said to remind yourself that this child did not ask to be born in a messy situation.
00:40:06.230 --> 00:41:24.860
To know that it does change, to reach for resources, to Try to create a tribe if you can find any help. And I know how difficult that is, even in little segments to just get somebody a couple days a week, little breaks, but to just try to keep yourself grounded for their sake. Because again, they didn't ask to be there either. And I think a lot of our anger to not want to do the work, and of course it's that we're tired and we're older and we don't know how, but the mindset of how what we're doing is, it keeps it a little bit harder. Yeah, I just tell them that I understand and that you really just kind of try not to negotiate with yourself because if you do, your mind will win every time. So if you can tell yourself this is what I'm doing right now and make the best of it, and then like you're telling me or we're sharing to try to find some time for yourself so that you can get the energy to get back up. And I've as well told people that it's okay if you can't and don't beat yourself up. Amen. That you. We are here for what's best for everyone. Of course, the kids, but for everyone. I've said reach out and let's look for resources for your help.
00:41:25.500 --> 00:42:09.369
Don't be sad if you can't. Yes, there are lots of options. I just encourage people to never think of it as a dead end if you're not sure what to do. There's always a way through and that's why we should reach out. And I do recommend people to do that. Ruthie, thanks. Thank you so much for doing this. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy life. I really love connecting with you and I hope more moms will do the same, more grandparents will do the same because these stories do make a difference. I guarantee you there'll be somebody out there that will write in. It happens all the time. Thanks for your story. It's a story I needed to hear.
00:42:10.730 --> 00:42:21.900
There's so many of us going through the same thing and it connects us all in a spiritual way. I'm thankful to be here. I hope to continue to be a part of a change again.
00:42:21.900 --> 00:42:25.619
My little girls are blessed with what they have and we can do for them.
00:42:26.019 --> 00:42:33.300
But I have two little girls right now that want to start gymnastics that's so expensive and we just don't get the help.
00:42:33.300 --> 00:43:31.159
And my other real quick point would be if I could make a change, it would be when you are dealing with children that are drug addicts it's hard to bring any type of unification when HIPAA is in there and you can't speak to the other side. So I find it to me to be full circle for the kids sake and to get the truth out earlier would be important. But I'm thankful that you could have me and I look forward to listening to much more of your podcasts and I thank you so much for what you do for the community. My pleasure. Thanks Ruthie Ruthie described to us the first few months as a blur of not having time to be depressed, followed by the crushing realization that nobody's coming. Back to pick up these kids. Why keeping the 24 and 13 year old together despite the difficulty created a sister bond that became their strongest internal support system.
00:43:31.719 --> 00:43:42.889
And why protecting the partnership by reclaiming so small non traditional pockets of time like breakfast after school drop off to reconnect on the dream that was sidelined is so important.
00:43:44.250 --> 00:43:54.489
Step into the reflection room with me. It's Valentine's week and Ruthie asked a question that stopped me in my tracks. Where were we in this story?
00:43:55.210 --> 00:44:17.219
As the invisible CEO, it's so easy to let the rescue mission swallow the marriage. We get so busy being parents that we forget to be partners or even individuals with our own dreams. Your challenge this week, Valentine's Week is to find a piece of the dream you had before the phone rang.
00:44:18.019 --> 00:45:22.009
Maybe it's a trip you planned, a hobby you loved, or just a specific diner you enjoyed. Don't ignore it. Even if you have to bring the kids along in a minivan with air mattresses like Ruthie did, find a way to incorporate the old you into the new mission. I've always said dreaming is free. Don't let the mission bankrupt your imagination. Family. Next week is a landmark moment for us. Episode 100 When I started this project, I was a grandmother with a journal and a heavy heart just trying to survive. The rescue mission. Today we are movement 2.7 million strong. We're number one on Apple and Spotify for grandparents raising grandchildren. It's been four years for me and I've learned so much. We've moved from the second cradle to the boardroom, but as we scale, we hit a wall. The invisible overhead.
00:45:22.889 --> 00:45:33.529
Most of us are trying to manage a mid sized organization, juggling the IEPs, therapy schedules and legal mazes on a retirement bandwidth.
00:45:34.570 --> 00:46:24.130
To help us solve this, I've brought in a Chief Operating Officer. Pat Henken is a business professional, finance expert and author of the Field Guide for Single Parents. She manages a community of 470,000 members with a no fluff systems based approach. Pat will be here to help us move from survival mode to systems thinking so we can stop fighting fires and start leading our families. It's our centennial celebration, so I hope. You won't miss it. We are 2.7 million strong, still nurturing, still sacrificing, and still here. Remember, life is non traditional, but your presence is the anchor. I'm Laura Brazan and I'll see you in the next boardroom.
