7 Pillars For Raising Resilient Grandchildren

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A 2023 study found that almost half of parents regularly feel completely overwhelmed by stress.

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But what if resilience wasn't a trait you're born with, but a skill you could build? This week we speak with clinical psychologist Dr. Kate Lund, author of the new book Step Away. Dr. Lund breaks down why parenting is more challenging than ever and introduces her powerful evidence based approach to resilient parenting. She shares strategies that teach your mind to bend, not break, under pressure, allowing you to move from perfectionism into presence and ultimately model unbreakable resilience for your children.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of childrearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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Today we're diving into a topic that affects every single one of us, especially grandparents raising grandchildren.

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The numbers are staggering. Nearly 50% of parents feel regularly overwhelmed. Our guest today, Dr.

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Kate Lund, is a clinical psychologist who is tackling this crisis head on with her new book, step away.

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Dr. Lund's work is a masterclass in shifting perspective.

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She argues that resilience isn't a fixed choice trait, it's a skill we can all nurture. I'm especially interested in her focus on stepping away as a practice of self care that calms the central nervous system. As caregivers, especially grandparents raising grandchildren, we often forget that nurturing resilience in ourselves is the first step to nurturing it in our children. I understand we're going to talk today about the subject of resilience in parenting or grandparenting. I'm really looking Forward to what Dr. Kate has to say about that. Thank you for inviting me. I really appreciate it. I'm excited to be here.

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These statistics are quite sobering. The U.S.

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surgeon General has highlighted the importance of parental mental health. Why do you believe, Dr. Lund, that parenting today is more challenging than ever before?

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There are so many stressors out there. Right. They. That we're all facing, you know, information overload, things coming at us day in, day out, and then the everyday challenges that come up for all of us, and then the larger challenges that hit for so many of us.

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So the world, let's just say, has intensified.

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Boy, that's an understatement, isn't it? And we're talking about raising grandkids. You know, that's really the focus of our podcast.

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And we didn't have social media, Dr. Kate, when we were raising our kids. And. And now it's something we're dealing with. You're dealing with that, obviously, with your kids, but it's the real world, isn't it, Laura? And how are you addressing the social media issues when you're dealing with this whole idea of being resilient? That can be a stressor. Oh, yeah. Social media is a huge stressor out there because, as you know, our kids are drawn to it. And the phones, the TikTok videos and the Instagram and just all of it. Right.

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And it's a stressor. And it, yes, can impact one's resilience if our kids are a spending too much time on it because we know the effects on the brain and the ability to focus when we're constantly glued to a screen. But then there's this whole issue of the comparison trap. And as we know, perfect images of perfect families and perfect situations and perfect vacations are on social media all the time.

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And really, when we step back and think about it, nothing is ever perfect. Right? But our kids are getting these messages. We're getting these messages day in, day out as we look at Instagram and we asking our questions, are we parenting well enough? Are we grandparenting well enough?

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Should I be doing this? Should I be doing that? And really, there's no such thing as perfection. And very important not to fall into that comparison trap, even though it's much easier said than done. You mentioned that resilience is a skill that we may not be born with. The questions I have for you is, how do we, as grandparents at our age rebuild that skill of resilience? Is it any different, really, than for anyone that's 40 years old raising a child? Right. You know, no. The approach that you would take as grandparents, very similar, if not the same, given that there's no one size fits all. But you're going to be building the same types of skills, whether a parent, a grandparents, what have you, an aunt, an uncle, brother, sister. The first thing you want to do and focus on is find A way to modulate your stress response day in, day out, because you want to be starting the day in an even space right from here, you don't want to be starting the day already escalated such that your kind of stress response is already up here. So that when a challenge, when a stressor hits, boom, you're going to escalate to the point of possible shutdown. And we don't want that.

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So I teach folks a really simple technique called the relaxation response. What I teach them is derived directly from this technique, which was developed by a physician in Boston in the 1970s, before mindfulness was a thing. But such a powerful technique.

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And what you do is essentially you come up with a word or a phrase that you find soothing in some way, and you breathe five minutes in the morning, five minutes in the afternoon or evening, and you're starting to develop that sense of what it feels like to have your stress response modulated so you can integrate what it feels like to be even. And that becomes your new baseline over time. And that is the foundation of building resilience as a parent, as a grandparent, for all of us, really. Now, is that a daily habit or can you do that several times a day if you feel the stress coming on where you just stop and you. You enter into the state of mindfulness? I mean, that sounds great. Absolutely. That's a great. A great question, a great point. We recommend practicing on either side of the day to build that foundation. But this technique is so simple and so easy to sort of, so to speak, carry around in your back pocket because you're coming up with that word or that phrase and you're breathing, and it really serves to modulate your central nervous system, bring down your baseline level of stress, and you can plug it in anywhere at any time throughout the day. You're going into a stressful situation, you're getting ready for a stressful conversation. I use it a lot with young athletes who are stressed out about a game or they've made a bad shot. And so, absolutely, I really do recommend plugging it in as needed. I think that's absolutely a great idea.

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And one of the challenges we have as grandparents, yes, we have the issues of dealing with our grands, who we're getting to school, getting them to different practices and what have you.

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But we could also have a child who's kind of off the reservation a little bit and making some bad choices. And that stressful situation can come to the forefront of what we're dealing with at any point in time. So if we had the ability to just kind of chill and go into this state of mindfulness. It makes so much sense. I mean, I'm just, I'm speaking personally. I'm wrestling with this daily where everything is great. This moment with the granddaughter, but her mom's got some challenges from a behavioral health or substance abuse standpoint, and it affects her mom and I, and it would be absolutely great. And I know our listeners are going, how do I learn to do this? How do I learn to practice mindfulness? Because life can be challenging. Dr. Kate True, 100%, absolutely. And you know, in all of the situations that you're describing, this would be a great tool to try to put into practice. And important to note that practice is important. It's not like a magic button that we're going to push and boom, you're going to be. And you've got to practice it. And that's why those two, two practice sessions on either side of the day really help you to integrate it as something that you can call up anytime you need it, anytime a stressor arises. Which is the core concept of your book, Stepping away, right? How that calming helps the central nervous system.

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Exactly. Yes. That is the core idea that we talk about throughout Step Away. Absolutely important at any age, right, Craig?

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Absolutely. Well, I think the latter years it's more important, but it is important at any age. I'm wondering is this mindfulness component and this whole idea of building on resiliency, is it is part of a faith component or just a meditation exercise? You know, it can be customized, you know, but really I'm speaking of it as an exercise that you just kind of fit into your life as it feels good without a direct faith component.

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But it could be modified. If that's something that you practice, you could incorporate your faith into the meditation and hopefully it would work just fine. Of course. Yes, absolutely. That's the cool thing about it. It's customizable. And the important thing, Doctor, is to just do it, right? To find the time at least twice a day and be mindful of your circumstances and just kind of calm down, which is not easy, especially if you're not into practice. Used to doing it. Exactly. It's.

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Yeah. And the key is, Craig. Exactly. Practice is key. It's essential. But you make a great point because it's not easy, particularly at the outset. It sounds so simple and it is simple, but it does take practice. As folks begin to play around with this, you know, thoughts are going to flood their mind. We call that monkey mind because we all have so much going in these moments. And it's just a question of sitting with those thoughts, really trying not to engage with them and focusing on that word or that phrase that you've plugged in. And over time and with practice, those thoughts will not really keep flooding in because you've built that muscle to keep your focus and attention on the word or phrase. And as your central nervous system is decompressing, so to speak. I found that as I get older, although I tend to be less flexible in certain ways, or I perhaps a better way to put it is that I have habits that I found work for me, integrating a more open mindset, which you talk about in your book, rather than a fixed mindset about those things that are healthy or something that we can add on as grandparents and more especially as grandparents raising grandchildren, because we're having to adopt new ideas and new practices that help us get to those goals of being better examples for these kids who need us even more than ever. Right?

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CRAIG? Absolutely. That makes all the sense in the world. And we've got to adjust to these things and put these exercises into practice and that we're never too old to learn what Dr. Kate is sharing. She's not talking about going to get your PhD and learning how to practice mindfulness. But you and I know from all the grandparents we talk to day in and day out, many of them are in a constant state of stress. And we determined, we looked at some statistics. Dr. Kate I think it was last week. LAURA maybe it was the week before, where 80% of grandparents who are raising their grandkids have financial pressures they didn't anticipate. 80% of the 2.3 million, 20% of that 80 are at or below the poverty line and they're really struggling. But there's 60% above that. You know, this addition of the one to two to three additional lives has really cramped their style. And of course they're going to stay with the task. They're not going to leave the grand kids without coverage. But gosh, it's stressful. And if they could practice this idea of having that word or phrase and go to a state of mindfulness or go to their favorite place and kind of chill for a time period, how long would that exercise of mindfulness last? Is it a five minute exercise? Is it a 20 minute exercise? How long should they be doing this twice a day? Well, we Recommend Starting with 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the evening to make it manageable. Because if we say, you know, jumping in and start with 20 minutes, it feels overwhelming to folks. And then the practice tends not to happen. So that's why we recommend kind of a manageable bite sized approach at first and then keeping in mind that this can be plugged in at any point during the day and, you know, increments for however long it fits or feels like it's useful, it's again customizable based on what works for the person. Because the thing is here there's really no one size fits all right.

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In parenting, grandparenting, we're trying to build resilience in a way that we're creating a resilient lifestyle, a resilient mindset that fits within one's own unique context and allows them to thrive within that context.

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What do you think are some of the false beliefs that we have as individuals that get in the way of breaking those fixed mindsets to get us to the other side of being more resilient? Well, I think that the primary thing there is comparing ourselves to other people or looking at, you know, things we're hearing in the news or things we're seeing on social media and thinking, well, that's the way it has to be.

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Instead of really taking that step back and building awareness, kind of giving ourselves the space to gain perspective on what's going to be most valuable for us in this situation of raising our children or our grandchildren and really having that focused sense of self awareness in terms of what is it that I need to be at my best as I'm raising my grandchildren, as I'm raising my children, that sort of thing.

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So an authenticity in that self awareness is important as well. That is so good. Dr. Lund, are you familiar at all with the challenges that the Navy SEALs have had to deal with regarding wholeness and resiliency?

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I don't know if you've ever seen that study. That is obviously an elite in our military, but they have a very high suicide rate because a lot of the Navy SEALs may be resilient, but they don't deal with wholeness. And when they're out of that military situation, it can be extremely stressful and depressing, as a matter of fact. But I wonder if the practicing the mindfulness would help our seals, especially with such a high suicide rate, which is just unacceptable in any context. I'm not that familiar with it. Laura and I talked about it a little bit the other day. But perhaps mindfulness could be helpful.

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Yeah, they're flourishing within that structured context and then it becomes more difficult when they're outside of that context is what I'm understanding from you. And so perhaps that would be something that would help in the kind of adaptation, adjustment outside of that structure when the time came for them. But it's hard to say, really, without more information. I think what the studies show is that not being able to show vulnerability or seeking help is a key component to reducing the suicide issue. And I think with raising grandchildren, we become so isolated, and there's this concept, oh, we've got to do this perfectly. Plus there's a lot of stress on shame, guilt. What did I do to not raise my kids well? That they are doing this to their own children, abandoning their own children, that sort of thing. And I think that that vulnerability component, that being able to step outside of, I'm accepting that we're not in total control, that there's a way to disperse the stress outside of ourself and accept things as they are, maybe a bit messy and know that's okay. Yeah, that is so such a great point. Right.

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And it is that you're spot on with what you're saying, and the vulnerability component is very important. Sort of being able to acknowledge and even talk about what is and how that feels will open up a path to figuring out what's going to help and what's going to help you as a grandparent in this situation to flourish within your context and to help your grandchildren to be the same, to do the same without kind of pushing back. But also important to also acknowledge that we can't control the attitudes and behaviors of other people. So it's so hard to see our own kids struggling and maybe struggling in a way that then has this effect on their own kids, such that you're raising them and. But not to take on personal responsibility for that is really important, but really, really hard, I would imagine.

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Do you have techniques that you use with your clients to help them with some of those issues? You mean to not take on the responsibility of, you know, it's so, so hard. It's really through discussion of that very issue and trying to unpack individual situations as they've unfolded and just reinforcing that idea of, you know, we can't take, we can't control, we can't control the attitudes and behaviors of another person, even when we love them so much. Right. And so creating space and caring for ourselves in a way that's going to allow us to flourish and. And do the things that we need to do as parents, as grandparents is really how I approach it. And all situations are so very different.

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But really that core concept of not being able to control the attitudes and behaviors of other people is at the heart of the discussion.

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Something that Craig and I have discussed and found it to be very helpful for us as grandparents raising grandchildren, some of the walls that the kids come up against bring up all kinds of triggers within ourselves. And we've found a term, true identity, to work well for us. Let's say I remember the way my mother did something and I do it out of habit, and it brings up personal issues of me not being good enough or. Or me not. Well, I don't know. Fill in the blank. Right. And when I go back to looking at who I am and what my birthright is, that there's no reason I can't be as successful as anyone else.

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I have something to give to the world. I am what I am and I'm not what I'm not. And I delegate that to others that do it better.

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Getting rid of the rhetoric that really holds us back or makes these kids that we work with feel like they're failures or our own children who struggle with addiction, of course, is a physical thing, but in many ways it's also a mental issue where we think we failed. So I might as well give up and join the ranks of the mindless somewhere, you know? Yeah, no, you're making a really good point about reframing and perspective and really honing in on your strengths and what you have to offer and how those things are really what carry us forward in terms of what we want to contribute. Contribute and what we want to give.

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And it's a part of the self awareness exercises that I do with my clients, trying to help them highlight what are their strengths, where are the relative challenges? Because we always have to contend with and address those as well. But how can we use our strengths to navigate through our challenges or to compensate for the things that are harder for us and because there's always something, right, that's going to be harder for us. But it's also creating that space through the mindfulness practice that you have that space to gain the perspective that this thing that's going on with my own child is so, so hard and it causes so much stress. But at the same time, they're adults and I'm not able to directly control their behavior, as hard as that is, because we, of course, would want to shift gears on that. But to gain that perspective and then to couple that with. There's no one size fits all in any of this. And, you know, the point is finding a way to do the very Best you can within your context so that your well being is maintained and you're able to help to bolster the overall well being of your grandchildren as well. That is so good.

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And do you work with your patients who are wrestling with having to do it perfect and tell them it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to fail, and just get back in that mindfulness mindset and walk through that? Because sometimes when we drop the ball, we just. We're the hardest on ourselves. Oh, yes, I hear you.

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Perfectionism is huge. Comes up all the time, you know, regardless of who I'm working with and such an important area to address, because really there is no such thing as perfection. We want to be able to give our best within our own unique context, whatever that looks like for us. And so important to help take that illusion, really, of perfectionism, of something being perfect out of the mix, because that will ultimately drag us down and detract from our ability to be resilient, to be able to bounce back from those points where we might fail at something, we might not succeed the first time out of the gate, totally normal. And we want to help our kids, our grandchildren, to see that, to recognize that it's okay to fail. It's actually important.

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And then the important thing there is to figure out a way to address the same issue or goal or what is it, whatever it is, from a different angle, to see if we can do better the next time. Yeah, that's really important. It's good stuff. Just to go over some of the takeaways from your book, Resilience being a skill, not a trait, important to remember, if that's something that we don't feel in our lives or feel that we've been good at or great at, that it is something that can be learned, especially also the power of self, intentional care, stepping away, removing ourselves from the situation to regulate our bodies and our minds, and striving for harmony, not perfection, balance in our lives are important. Also modeling the mindset. So nurturing resilience in ourselves for this sake of our grandchildren, for them to see and realizing that when we fail to be honest and admit that to them, so that they see that perfectionism is not our standard. All of those takeaways are important for us to remember, and they are in your book, which are very well outlined, I might add.

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Craig, do you have anything to add to those takeaways? No, I just.

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I like the other point that you have in the notes here, that modeling that mindset that when you're nurturing Resilience in yourself. It's the most effective way to equip your children and grandchildren with the tools they need to thrive. And I think we're in a culture where it's hyper competitive. We measure everything. Perfectionism is the norm.

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It's not the exception. And if we can just say, hey, it's okay to fail. In fact, failing is good because I've not had a failure where I didn't learn something from it. And if you, we can help our kids with that. Just practice the good aspects and the mindfulness. Just regulating yourself. Get in a place of peace and do it several times a day if you have to. And you can have a great day, but you don't have to be perfect. You don't need to walk on the water to please grandma and grandpa. I can tell you that right now. Yeah. Well, Dr. Lin, your insights have been a powerful path forward for anybody that's feeling overwhelmed. And I appreciate your work. And knowing that we can actively build these skills is an important part of what I've learned, both through the experience and in your book. So thank you for sharing the wisdom of Step Away. And I want to remind the listeners that her previous book, Bounce is focused more on raising resilient children or grandchildren in our case, and Step Away is more geared towards helping the parents and grandparents. Exactly. Well, thank you so much to both of you. This has been a great conversation.

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Thanks so much for joining it and it's been a pleasure to meet you and can't wait to get this out to our audience and get some great feedback.

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So this is just perfect. I found out I had a monkey mind today.

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This is really wonderful. I love it. That's awesome.

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Thanks, Dr. K. Yeah, thank you so much, guys. Bye now.

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Dr. Lund's message about prioritizing self care through the simple act of stepping away is a powerful reminder.

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I want to ask you, what is one small, tangible step you can commit to this week to boost your own well being? Share your commitment with our online community if you feel like it. And if you love this conversation, pick up Dr. Lund's book, step Away, and let's all start building stronger, more resilient family foundations together. Next week, we're going to be tackling one of the biggest challenges for parents and grandparents.

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Sleep. We'll be speaking with Allison Ejidi, a certified pediatric sleep coach and host of the How Long till Bedtime? Podcast. Alison shares her personal journey from sleep deprived parent to expert, revealing how she helps countless families solve their child's sleep struggles from infancy through elementary school, discover practical strategies so both kids and caregivers can finally get the restorative rest they need.

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Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.

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Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.